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Shadowed Tracks Chapter 1 (Tracing Shadows)



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Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:20 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



The morning brought a bitter taste to my mouth, and a painful tone to my ear as my alarm blared. I grunted as I hit my alarm, making the terrible performance come to a stop. I looked the other way to see Amica fidget and nestle into my arm. She was beautiful; shining copper hair, emerald green eyes, and lips that were as tender as a well cooked lamb. Weird comparison, the last one, but I love lamb. I slowly slid my arm away and gently removed the satin, cream duvet from my body.

I slid out of bed and headed for the on-suite, scratching my head as I went. I gazed into the mirror and took a look at myself, "Haha! Looking good handsome". And I must admit, I'm not bad looking. My (usually) neat hair is a golden blonde and my sapphire blue eyes can make even the most stuck-up mortal women swoon. After all that chasing and fights my physique isn't too bad either, I'm well muscled, put it that way. My lightly tanned skin was caused by all that switching to hot countries, following my targets. I picked up my white tooth brush and squeezed a bit of toothpaste on it. I started to brush.

"Honey? You awake?". I grunted in reply. "You could of woke me, we need to be down by the Bureau headquarters in an hour. Apparently they've got another lead". I spat out the concoction of paste and saliva into the sink.

"What?! Since when?"

"Since two O'clock last night, a letter from a Refractor named Cereus Velox in New York, then followed by a suspicious report at the New York airport matching our target"

"What? Umbrim Rerus was in the Big Apple?! Where is the new plane headed to?"

"Munich. Or so the Bureau have said"

"Get changed. We need to get down to HQ quick as possible, before Umbrim moves again"

Amica and I stepped from the scorching streets of Barcelona into the Bureau building. We strolled over to the elevator and got inside, I pushed the button for fourth floor: the communications room. I felt the metal box shake, and then start to gain height. "So," I said "know your German?"

"Not really," Amica replied "but I'm sure I'll pick it up quickly". Amica Verum is a Psych Shifter, meaning she could perform a series of mental commands on any being with a lower brain capacity than she. Such abilities have proven extremely useful in the past, especially when we need to get the truth out of people. So in German she would be fluent in a couple of seconds, as with any other language. I however am a Kinetic, meaning I can transfer potential energy into kinetic, so I can throw objects and leap enormous heights, as well as deflect weaker sorcery. Kinetics usually tried to blend in with mortal society, but I decided to persue justice and save the lives of thousands of people.

The elevator stopped suddenly, and made a ringing sound as the doors opened. As I stepped into the communications room I felt the dry heat hit me like a wave of fire, the technicians had obviously been up all night. I asked one of them to show me to the central communications mainframe computer, after all, I needed to speak with the boss. The massive room sized monitor flashed on, and the face of our 'oh so legendary' leader appeared. Nunck Eros.

"Ah, mister Infelix Salvator, I knew you would make an enquiry as to the whereabouts of your target". A smug grin spread across his perfect face, pale and neat. No spots, no moles, no scars, no imperfections. He was 'The Untouchable' as everyone called him. His hair was white and he still had a relatively youngish look, which wasn't bad for a four-hundred and fifty year old.

"Yes, we lost track of Umbrim fourteen years ago, since then you've been sending us on petit assignments. From what I've heard, he's left for Munich" I replied, my sapphire eyes not leaving his silver ones.

"He's there. And from what the trackers can decipher, he's with a mortal this time. Gregory Sampson I think his name was. Regardless, we've booked two seats for you on the next flight to Munich, It's due to leave at ten, so if I were you, I'd be quick"

"Sir", I nodded in reply, and Amica doing so too.

"Good luck Infelix, you're going to need it".

On the plane me and Amica were having a debate as to why Rerus was carrying a mortal with him. Amica had it in her head that the Necromancer wants to train him to back him in a fight, which was completely preposterous. As if a man as powerful as Umbrim would need a sidekick, this man was bound to be little more than a meat shield. However, fourteen possible years with a mortal was a long time, maybe Amica was on the right track. I tried not to think about it though, so instead I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.


It didn't help with Infelix being as stubborn as he was, after all, I was only trying to suggest possibilities. This was just typical of him though, drifting to sleep when he was losing an arguement, he didn't like to lose. I waved a hand at the stewardess and ordered a bottle of red wine, I deserved that much. I sipped the liquid and felt the light-dry taste on my toungue, followed by a slightly vinegary aftertaste. I hoped the food and alchohol in Germany was as good as that in Spain, yet I severely doubted that it would be much the same. The only thing that troubled me was the thought of what happened if we ran into Umbrim, a man with such deadly potential could mean the end of Infelix or myself. Necromancers were very rare occurances nowadays, as the vast majority of them were psychopathic murderers who were almost instantly killed by the Global Bureau Of Immortal Lawbringers. Some of them however tamed their animal instincts and joined the Bureau or even tried to blend in with the humans. But, once in an eclipse, you got such Necromancers that people reffered to as 'Shadow Incarnate', who were just so powerful they were close to invulnerable. And unfortunately, Umbrim Rerus was one of the Shadow Incarnate. Almost everything about him was scary; his pitch-black hair; his golden, lizard shaped eyes; his sadistic smirk and his inability to feel mercy. His pale skin was like a ghost, and the huge scar across the right of his jaw represented his ruthless attitude. So many Witches and Warlocks had lost their lives to Umbrim, and this Cereus Velox was probably no different. This made me fear the moment Infelix and I crossed paths with him, and not just because of our possible demises, but of the humans around us too. So many Witches and Warlocks use the terms 'Mortals' and 'Immortals', but I prefer 'human' and 'sorcerer'. After all that makes us sound equal, which we really should be.
Last edited by DarknecrosisX on Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:04 pm
davidechoe13 says...



Like the idea, the character names are a little far fetched if not too hard to read, kind of a dull ending. You might wanna try describing the area around your characters, i can picture them but i have no clue whatsoever really as to where they are. But i like the idea, im not an editor so i really didn't see any problems with spelling or grammar. good job! :)
Think of the vastness of a story, What happens when the main character is not around?
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:45 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Davidchloe, the names are latin translations of words that describe the characters, if that helps in any way.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:59 pm
Leahweird says...



A couple nitpix.

In the first paragraph you use the word alarm twice in the same number of sentences. You might want to revise so you don't have to do that.

"It didn't help with Infelix being as stubborn as he was," Did you change pov here? I'm getting confused who is who.

"almost insteadly killed" should that be instantly?

Other than those things, this was reallygreat. I love how you manage to give us a lot of information without seeming expositiony (Is that a word? I'm going to assume its a word). I like your characters. I love it when awesome heroes and villains pair up, espiecially when they balance eachother out so nicely.
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:04 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Leahweird, Thankyou very much :), and yes I did change point of view to Amica. When I do a double paraphrase that means I've changed pov. Just in case you read any more of my stuff.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:04 pm
Crow29 says...



More nitpicks ;) Leahweird missed a few in my opinion.
Watch your tenses. You are in first person, in past tense. Stick with it, and make sure you don't come out of it. Can't find the example I had, but in one sentence you had a past tense verb then a present tense one. Or the other way round.... Still, make sure you are staying in the right tense.
Once I realised that this isn't from Umbrim's pov this made a lot more sense. Perhaps you could get the name in sooner. Amika got a mention almost immediately, but it was a long time before the main character got a mention.
On the topic of names, I'm gonna make the nitpick to end all nitpicks. Make sure the names have a capital letter! It could have only been once, but I saw Amika spelled with a lower case A. Watch grammar, it will bite you in the arse otherwise. If you write in word or the likes then make sure that the red lines are on, and that you listen to them!
Other than that, I should probably mention that this is really cool. I like.
Crow29
P.S: I LOVE the lamb analogy!!!!
At the end of the day, when the sun is gone and the light is lost, the shadows will play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV9IJVoFR_Q
  





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Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:28 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Thanks for the feed back Sam. Not added: sam likes lips that resemble lamb chops...

Oh yeah, Sam your eyesight is going, I treble checked all 'Amica's' have capital letters, so... yeah.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Fri Nov 25, 2011 4:00 pm
TyrantOfWar says...



Hello, I thought this was a good piece of work, I liked how well you described the characters. However at first I did get confused about who the character you are in perspective of was as it changes quite abruptly from the prologue to this chapter but it is good that you are doing the story with multiple character perspectives. Also as Sam said, the main character doesn't get mentioned until somewhere in the middle.

Anyway did enjoy it and will read chapter 2.

ToW

Alec
I want to see you choke on your lies,
Swallow up your greed,
Suffer all alone in your misery.


My Life Story:
Lies Greed Misery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dq9q6afIP8
  








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— Aesop