z

Young Writers Society


David Echoe Chapter 2



User avatar
33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 283
Reviews: 33
Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:14 am
davidechoe13 says...



Dust rose up behind them as they walked, boulders were everywhere. Hills rose and fell, it was almost noon. Steven led them to a shady spot next to a small hill. David plopped himself down and pulled out half a sandwich from his backpack. They ate quietly, having talked most of the way. David looked around rocks, rocks and more rocks. He couldn’t see anything other than hills in the distance, that was all there was out there. They finished eating and continued walking. As they walked David looked at the map they were using and noticed, that between them and Old York there was a small canyon blocking the way.
“Hey Steven, how we gonna get past this canyon thing?” David asked. Molly had a look on her face like WHAT!!!! She didn’t like heights at all.
“It’s not that big; we can just climb down and then climb up. No big deal really, we’ll camp beside it tonight, and then in the morning we can climb down.” Steven smiled that “don’t worry its cool” kinda smile.
It was early afternoon before the canyon came into sight. David was looking around as he walked. Wait a minute! He thought, there aren’t any rocks out here! David stopped and started twisting around looking for big rocks. There was a pile of them just off to is right.
“It’s weird no more rocks!” David said he didn’t know why he was so obsessed about there not being thousands of rocks. It was as if the lack of them was trying to tell him something. He started to walk towards the pile to his right.
“Where you goin?” Molly asked “Geez, he is so weird” David approached the pile and walked around it. Halfway around he found an opening to a cave.
“I found our camping spot!” He yelled, the others walked over to the cave entrance. While everyone else was staring David was fishing through his food supplies and pulled out a flashlight. He never was very organized. He turned it on and went in, it wasn’t very long but it was the perfect camping spot. As he neared the end he saw that at the back was I giant circular stone. Then, David noticed the markings, just random things, no little stick figures but one that was used over and over was a little circle squiggly thing, there were 5 of them in a perfect circle.
Think of the vastness of a story, What happens when the main character is not around?
  





User avatar
33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 283
Reviews: 33
Sat Nov 19, 2011 5:16 am
davidechoe13 says...



Just so you know this IS an action adventure novel. i just haven't come to that part of the story i will try and do my best of getting action to you without totally ruining the story.
Think of the vastness of a story, What happens when the main character is not around?
  





User avatar
374 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1147
Reviews: 374
Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:14 am
tgirly says...



You should put that it gets darker or something, because it goes from it being noon to them looking for a place to stop pretty quickly. Again, short chapter, love them. You should probably find some synnonyms (sp?) for walking, and do some replacing, but it's not that bad. You're starting to create some suspense, which is good; the sudden lack of rocks, the strange markings, very nice.
Where did Rick go? You never mentioned him leaving, but he's nowhere in this chapter, which could confuse readers. Find a way to mention him sometime in the chapter please.
Again, I can't wait to read the next chapter. And again, you need to do a bit of editing, though this one doesn't need as much work as the first. Good job with the imagery at the beginning.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





User avatar
161 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8624
Reviews: 161
Wed Dec 14, 2011 2:26 am
NightWriter says...



I agree with Tgirly, that a couple synonyms would make a world of difference and improve your writing style so much. I have been known to be guilty of having both dictionary.com and thesaurus.com open while I write, but you know what, no one cares because they add so much charisma and personality into your writing.

That said, I love what you've written. It is, quite certainly a short chapter, but there's something charming about that, isn't there. The first paragraph is lovely, and to be honest, the first words, dust rose up behind them, really pulled me in.

You dialogue is going well, which is a relief. There's nothing worse than seeing a chapter that has dialogue, dialogue, dialogue and no outside information whatsoever. And vise versa, of course.

One thing, I would mention that could be improved, is your last sentence.
Generally, last sentences in chapters are written as a hook - similar to your first.
You've read books, yeah? And don't you love the ones that leave you at the end of a chapter, prepared to turn the page and keep reading because you have to know what's happening next?
Yes. Me too.
And lets be honest, there were five of them in a perfect circle, just wasn't the mysterious hook I was hanging out for.

Good work though!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  








Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain