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Young Writers Society


Ignis Urbem, Chapter 1



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28 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 904
Reviews: 28
Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:28 pm
Confictura says...



Spoiler! :
Is it too short or too long? Does it feel as if you were force-fed information? I know the characters aren't quite described or developed. This chapter was meant to explain the world and the situation our Protagonists are in.
It ends too abruptly, in my opinion, but I'm the writer not the reviewer.

Another scream started, which hurt her. More emotionally than anything else, he was everything to her and she’d be lying to herself if she said she enjoyed seeing him in pain. What hurt her even more was the knowledge that she couldn’t do anything except stay near and whisper soothing words.

Penelope had never quite understood the strange affliction which plagued the poor boy at random. She had asked him about it once, and He had tried to explain it.
“You know how things don’t quite make sense when you have a fever?” he had asked one day, and she had nodded silently. “Well, for me, things make TOO MUCH sense.” He could tell that she was confused, “What’s the smallest thing?” He had asked, in a further attempt to explain. Penelope had to think about this for a moment, neither of them had attended school, where would they go, Ignis? Regardless, she knew what the answer was, and she provided it after some time of strain.

“An atom?” she asked tentatively, the boy nodded. “I’ve understood smaller, I’ve BEEN smaller. I see, touch, smell, taste impossible things in my… err, ‘states’. I understand everything, yet nothing at the same time.” He chuckles sadly at this point, “Turns out that knowing everything is extremely painful”

They both fall into silence while Penelope tries desperately to wrap her own mind around Simon’s troubles. For being uneducated wanderers, the two were pretty smart, but this went beyond.

Penelope was shocked out of her memories by a light touch on her hand, which had been resting in her lap as she sat next to her companion. “Pen” the boy said weakly, “We need to go to Ignis.” She started to reply, but his eyes had closed, and his breathing had steadied into the carefully deep rhythm of sleep.
Penelope needed air; she stood up abruptly and headed for the tent’s opening. Busting out into the cold night air was both a shock and a relief, It was cooling down after the hot day, and the air seemed empty. Penny looked out from the hill top, to the vast fields of lifeless and abandoned buildings. A lot of people had left, or died. There wasn’t much point in staying after the accident.

In 2036, the government of the United States of America had a grim problem on their hands. Overpopulation, which had grown exponentially, People were living in crowded towns and villages and in hand crafted hovels. After long years of debate, the highest class of people, the ones who controlled things from the shadows and made decisions to problems that no one ever knew about had come to one of the greatest conclusions of all. They had to “trim” the population as they had put it. There were plenty of ways to do this, but they wanted to keep it under the radar. So they turned to their secret teams of soldiers who followed commands as if they were their own thoughts, and told them to poison the water supplies of the smaller towns which consisted of small amounts of people.
Unfortunately, there was a misprint, or a typo, or some sort of kink in the chain of command that led to the teams poisoning the water supplies of the LARGE cities.
Millions of people just died, from nothing more than a glass of water and a few secret chemicals. Suddenly, sprawling metropolises were ghost towns, while small towns housed the confused and scared. The “survivors” eventually ventured out of their little towns and migrated to the big cities, scavenging what they could. A man by the name of Stan eventually found the paper trail leading up to the poisoning.

Penelope and Simon were born wanderers, they weren’t siblings. At least, they didn’t think so. Their childhood was a muddled mess of running and fear. For 16 years they had roamed, scavenging to survive, and trading with other wanderers for whatever they couldn’t find themselves. They taught themselves to fight, and learned from books and magazines that they found in the abandoned houses. The only place they stayed away from was Ignis Urbem, a large New-World city where most of all the survivors flocked. There weren’t enough people to live in all of the big cities, so for some reason, with little communication, they picked Ignis.

So, it was there. On a lonely hilltop overlooking just another abandoned and whispering town, huddled up against a tree and rocked carefully by the wind and her own thoughts, Penelope drifted into unconsciousness for what seemed like the first time in her life.
Help, help! I'm being repressed!
  





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Points: 1264
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Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:46 pm
ingrid596 says...



Ignis Urbem,


You probably don't recognize me; I have recently joined this website; I also have pieces of my own i am struggling with but i thought for a starters i linger around this site to capture an idea of how other writers are coping. Well, I am guessing. Of course now it is my turn for critiquing your masterpiece right?


One told me that our writings start out as eggs. Hatchlings. With every editing we make unfurls a crick a creak and a crack. When our chick sprouts from its embodied cage it is shown to the world to see right? But our stories will have dents and splotches and notches. Nothing is perfect. However as a hint of motivational support i was morally intrigued. During the beginning I liked the third person narration with Penelope. A few choppy sentences here and there, but it pieced itself well. What i would like more of from your beginning chapter is features. The first paragraphs or what i like to call 'dentures' in a toothache did not view precisely Penelope and the boy's looks. During the beginning chapter i should be able to notify the protaganist or lead character in this story. Beside that, I think that describing the setting around them would help visualize the reader in which why the two were in pain. In this case, i do feel the third person narration could be present or past form and switched to first person. Whoever is the main character, which i may infer is Penelope, she has to tell the story like she's actually lived it.

What sort of bogged the story down was viewing the tradegy of millions of citizens as narrator point of view meaning tale-ish like. I felt it could be stronger if Penelope told it. But compliments to you for your incredible storyline.

Remember to include descriptions also. Do not paralyze the reader with overtly vigorous words and verbs; but paint a picture of the most important things. I hope this may help. Any more coming up? I would love to read sooner
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1493
Reviews: 82
Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:28 am
Renn says...



I liked this, and it sounded like how you talked- when you get in your philosophical moods. So, to start out with, I think this is good- with a lot of potential- except that it felt short for a first chapter. But you know me, I'm a wordy person- especially when I get to writing.
So, with that said-

“You know how things don’t quite make sense when you have a fever?” he had asked one day, and she had nodded silently. “Well, for me, things make TOO MUCH sense.” He could tell that she was confused, “What’s the smallest thing?” He had asked, in a further attempt to explain. Penelope had to think about this for a moment, neither of them had attended school, where would they go, Ignis? Regardless, she knew what the answer was, and she provided it after some time of strain.

“An atom?” she asked tentatively, the boy nodded. “I’ve understood smaller, I’ve BEEN smaller. I see, touch, smell, taste impossible things in my… err, ‘states’. I understand everything, yet nothing at the same time.” He chuckles sadly at this point, “Turns out that knowing everything is extremely painful”


I loved this explaination- very very much. :D The 'fever' resemblance made me really happy, because I get how that works- nothing makes sense when you have a fever.

So, I'd say 'keep writing' like I usually do, but I know it's a waste of words.
-Renn
'Evil exists in all of us Torak. Some fight it. Some feed it. That is how it has always been.'

"There is always a choice," said Torak, and he backed off the cliff.
  








For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle