Young Writers Society

Hi all!
This is Chapter two which is from the Antagonist. His name has been changed and everything else. Since this is the internet, I have to stress that this is NOT based on anyone and that he only had the same position.

You may be as harsh as you like on this I have no idea whether this is how he'd really act!
Enjoy!

Mac





Chapter Two

Mustafa Ehab


After the eighteenth day of protesters occupying Tahrir Square, my vice president, Wael Kareem, decided to confront me about it.

How very imprudent of him.

Now, his fate was sealed, as if it were possible to put it inside an envelope, ready to be sent to executors.

“Mustafa,” he said, standing at the doorway, clutching a sheet of paper in his hand. “I think we’ve had enough. You and I both know what the protesters demand from you.”

“If you are suggesting that it is time for me to leave–”

“Mr. President, there are millions in Tahrir Square. Some sources suggest that there are four million, and there are many countries with a population under that.”

“Wael, I suggest that you vacate this room at once. “

“Your allies are turning against you,” he continued. “The military are refusing to shoot at the protesters. Soon, we could see the collapse of the Egyptian economy–”

“Any collapse that occurs is the fault of the protesters, not mine. The credit rating issue was due to the foolish idea of the protesters deciding to occupy the Square–”

“Soon,” he hissed, “there will be no doctors. There will be nothing. You will ruin the thousands of years of civilisation–”

“What a foolish idea of me to promote you to vice-president. I should have known the reason for your popularity among the public. I should have known that you were conspiring to get rid of me!” I said, my voice becoming louder. I stood up. “Leave. Leave at once!”

“No,” he replied, his voice quiet yet firm, glaring at me with fierce, dark brown eyes.

I grabbed him by the hem of his clothes. “Count your heartbeats,” I growled.

He wrenched my arm off his clothes. “Mr. President, I have no other way to say it, but you are one very foolish idiot.”

“Give me that paper,” I ordered. Surprisingly, he gave it to me. I scanned the sheet, before grabbing a pen with my left hand and hastily signing it with my right, deliberately in the wrong section. “Do you feel relieved of your 'duty'? Do you feel glad that you have fulfilled the public’s desire to get rid of me?”

“Mr. President–”

Lies. Lies! I should have never trusted my government. “I am leaving,” I announced, picking up my briefcase. “I am leaving the office for Sharm El Sheikh.”

“You–”
“Yes, Wael, you heard me.” I pressed the button for the elevator and entered. “I am going to leave you in peace for a while so I can relax in Sharm El Sheikh. My break was long overdue. I will not be seeing you or my unfaithful government–” the gleaming doors of the lift shut. “–for a while.”


I sat in my blue helicopter, waiting for my assistant to fly me to Sharm El Sheikh, where I would have a few stress-free days of pure relaxation and time to think about evicting the protesters from the Square.

My assistant boarded the helicopter. As we flew over the dark sand dunes of the desert, I daydreamed of peace. Just for a day. Then, when I returned, I could think straight again.

We were now flying over the Suez Canal when my assistant asked, “I must say, Mr. Ehab, you do surprise me.”

“In what manner?”

“You told us you would remain in power ‘to the end’ at the start of the unrest.”

“I will.”

“Oh. How peculiar. I was late because I watched the televised statement that Wael broadcasted. Apparently, you resigned.”

This could not be true. No. I certainly did not resign. But Wael made the statement...


Three days on, the General of the Army, who I had appointed during the first signs of unrest in Tunisia, was leading the country. This was not necessarily a bad thing, as the General would be under my control. He was my marionette. But that presented a question, an important question. How could I use him to reinstate me?

Youssef, my assistant, entered the room. “Mr. President, would you care for a cup of tea?”

“Call me Mustafa, Youssef. You’ve been loyal to your leader. With milk and two sugars,” I added.

As Youssef was making tea for me, I asked if there was a way to arrange a telephone line into the room. I was initially planning to stay at my Palace, but when I discovered that I “resigned”, I changed my plans.

“Perhaps, although...”

By now, he was stirring the sugar into my teacup, when–

“Go, go, go!” somebody called, in French.

I stood up and pushed the tea out of the way, the cup smashing on the floor. I flung open the door, discovering that three or four people had escaped the room.“Venir ici!” I ordered. I attempted to grab the nearest one to the entrance of the cave by the neck–

“Get–off–me!”

He thrashed around as he tried to wriggle out of my strong grip. Punching my jaw, my grip on him slackened before he tugged my hand off his clothes. He dived into the open depths of the dark sea.

How did they get escape?

I inspected the damage in my jaw with my fingers. “Youssef! Hati manadeel!” I ordered, in Arabic.

“Yes, sir!

While I waited for my tissues, I opened to the room that they were in and discovered that they had managed to undo the lock from the inside. I removed the handle to make sure that the only way to enter from the outside. Later, I would have Youssef install cat-flaps to let the food in.

Back in the war, their system of opening the door for food was certainly not clever. In fact, that was the precise way I had escaped! How foolish of me to forget. Just after the food was served, I picked the lock and my fellow soldiers and I escaped.

If I had to pull a lever to open the door, where was the lever? I found the metal lever which was next to the side entrance of the secret cave. I pulled it, the door closing. Now, there was no way to detect that the cave even existed.


Once Youssef finished making me another cup of tea after the first one smashed, I began to think about solutions to my dilemma. How would I be able to reinstate myself into power?

So soon after leaving, I could not ask the General to reinstate me. No. The public would be suspicious. They were already suspicious of the General, but if I left it for long then there would be calls for my trial. After all, what wrong had I done?

If I did have a trial, the jury would surely be biased, which was why the people could never be trusted. They demanded too much, and did not understand when it was not possible, and would always pick their friends or family even if they were biased.

I needed something to horrify, to reach the millions. The billions, even. I needed something to inject fear into the heart of the Egyptians. Perhaps it could be something to do with the people I had imprisoned after discovering the cave on that dark night. Those kids. Foolish kids who would do such silly things, including diving off the cliff. I heard them all.

Then I remembered why the cave existed. It existed for the captured.


I smiled widely. Revenge.



P.S. Thanks for reading! Can I ask? Are the names pronounceable for you as they're from Arabic which has letters and sounds we don't have in English.

“Soon,” he hissed, “there will be no doctors. There will be nothing. You will ruin the thousands of years of civilisation–”

“What a foolish idea of me to promote you to vice-president. I should have known the reason for your popularity among the public. I should have known that you were conspiring to get rid of me!” I said, my voice becoming louder. I stood up. “Leave. Leave at once!” was my favorite part

Heya, ooh this is getting really intriguing

I didn't see any spelling mistakes and grammar isn't my thing so lets move on to the few things I picked out.

Firstly, I got really confused in certain places. In the beginning, Mustafa is in his office (I'm guessing office because you didn't specify) and signs that sheet of paper, which I thought was him resigning but then later he thinks he hasn't resigned. Confused...

By now, he was stirring the sugar into my teacup, when–

“Go, go, go!” somebody called, in French.

Err, what? Where did these people come from and what exactly are they doing. At first I thought they were people barging in to get Mustafa but then it says the people have escaped. I don't understand why.

I love how you present the speech between Mustafa and Wael. They keep cutting each other off and it really makes it realistic!
The second thing I love is the ending. I really wasn't expecting that! Great way to create a cliff hanger at the end of a chapter

The names aren't to difficult to pronounce. "Wael" is the only one that I had trouble with. Usually if I have names in the story that are hard to pronounce I place them in a spoiler box and put the way to pronounce it

Well done with this. I'm really getting in to your plot and can't wait to see the next chapter! You know the drill for queries, Midnight x

Hiya, Mac; I'm here as promised!
Let's get to down to a review, eh? Okay, so, this was good. You've posted a well-written, well-presented chapter which builds intruige and leads effectively from the last. I think that perhaps in places it became a little tedious and delayed, but on the whole, it was a fast-moving chapter showing another dimension of your storyline.

I haven't any constructive critism as regards grammar and punction; your piece was reletively flawless in that respect. However, I do have a few things to point out; some areas in which I feel you could improve.

1) Description

We've had this problem before, right? 99% of your chapter was dialogue-based, and, where there's nothing wrong with speech being your foundation, it's good to include a few descriptive passages, too. The reader can then visualise what's going on. That's how a story becomes memorable. Have you ever read a book which had stayed with you? No doubt. Similarly, the mental images your prose produce stick like glue in a readers' memory. Basically, description makes for effective storytelling. Show, don't tell. You impersonalise the reader by just plainly telling them a fact relating to the story or which sets the scene. Open the way for a reader to feel part of the story, like they're welcome to 'come on in' and mingle with your characters, if that makes sense.

2) Generally, your speech well-written and relatable for every-day life. However, I felt that in some places where Waeh was talking, you interjected too much opinion. I could tell that you, as the writer, didn't approve of the Egyptian Presidant. See what I mean:

Ahmadblues wrote:He wrenched my arm off his clothes. “Mr. President, I have no other way to say it, but you are one very foolish idiot.”

You need to be a little bit more tactful and not so blunt and forceful with your own opinions. Really, that above passage of speech is unrealistic. Just keep that in mind for the next time, Okay?

Anyways, happy writing and I hope I helped!

Hi everyone! Here's the rewritten version of chapter 2. I'm sorry I took so long - I was having a lot of trouble rewriting this - then I had Writer-can't-be-bothered block. I don't feel satisfied with this because I don't know where to put more description naturally :/

Mac






After the eighteenth day of protesters occupying Tahrir Square, my vice president, Wael Kareem, decided to confront me about it.

How very imprudent of him.

I sat at my leather-topped desk in my office, carefully watching the situation in Tahrir Square, in the centre of Cairo, on the large, wall-mounted TV. I was willing to make concessions of any sort, (despite the fact I had made Egypt an attractive place for tourism and investment, along with other things in my fifteen years of president) but if I resigned, then I feared I could destabilise the whole of the Middle East. Then, an unwelcome visitor entered.

“Mr. President,” he said, standing at the doorway, clutching a sheet of paper in his hand. “I think we’ve had enough. You and I both know what the protesters demand from you.”

“If you are suggesting that it is time for me to leave–”

“Mr. President, there are millions in Tahrir Square. Some sources suggest that there are four million, and there are many countries with a population under that.”

I sighed. I said it in my speech, just the day before: I will not be standing down. Was my message not clear? “Wael, I suggest that you vacate this room at once.”

“Your allies are turning against you,” he continued, as if I did not order him to leave. “The military are refusing to shoot at the protesters. Soon, we could see the collapse of the Egyptian economy–”

“Any collapse that occurs is the fault of the protesters, not mine. The credit rating issue was due to the idiotic idea of the protesters deciding to occupy the Square–”

“Soon,” he hissed, “there will be no doctors. There will be nothing. You will ruin the thousands of years of civilisation–”

“What a foolish idea of me to promote you to vice-president. I should have known the reason for your popularity among the public. I should have known that you were conspiring to get rid of me!” I said, my voice becoming louder. I stood up. “Leave. Leave at once!”

“No,” he replied, his voice quiet yet firm, glaring at me with fierce, dark brown eyes.

I grabbed him by the hem of his clothes. “Count your heartbeats,” I growled.

He wrenched my arm off his clothes. “I–”

“Give me that paper,” I ordered. Surprisingly, he gave it to me. I was expecting a blunt ‘no’, until I realised what was on the sheet.

Did he truly believe I would sign a resignation sheet? Instead, I grabbed a pen and drew a large ‘X’ on the sheet.

“Mr. President–”

Lies. Lies! I should have never trusted my government. “I am leaving,” I announced, picking up my briefcase and scrunching the resignation sheet into a ball. I was not able to bear any longer being there. “I am leaving the office for Sharm El Sheikh.”

“You–” he began, trying to pick the paper ball off the floor.

“Yes, Wael, you heard me.” I pressed the button for the elevator and entered. “I am going to leave you in peace for a while so I can relax in Sharm El Sheikh. My break was long overdue. I will not be seeing you or my unfaithful government–” the gleaming doors of the lift shut “–for a while.”


I sat in my blue helicopter, waiting for my assistant to fly me to Sharm El Sheikh, where I would have a few stress-free days of pure relaxation and time to think about evicting the protesters from the Square. No more calls for me to stand down from another country, just peace.

My personal assistant boarded the helicopter a few minutes later and began to fly it, soaring over the darkening city of Cairo. I looked below and saw the cars moved like abacus beads, zipping through the city on the flyovers.

As the buildings and roads of the city transformed to the sand dunes over the desert, I daydreamed of peace. Just for a day. Then, when I returned, I could think straight once more.
We were now flying over the Suez Canal when my assistant asked, “I must say, Mr. Ehab, you do surprise me.”

“In what manner?”

“You told us you would remain in power ‘to the end’ at the start of the unrest.”

“I will.”

“Oh. How peculiar. I was late because I watched the televised statement that Wael broadcasted. Apparently, you resigned.”

This could not be true. No. I certainly did not resign. I remembered that I had only crossed the sheet of paper, but how...

Three days on, the General of the Army, who I had appointed during the first signs of unrest in Tunisia, was leading the country. This was not necessarily a bad thing, as the General would be under my control. He was my marionette. But that presented a question, an important question. How could I use him to reinstate me? I never resigned, yet somehow Wael proved I did...

Youssef, my assistant, entered the room, closing the door behind him. “Mr. President, would you care for a cup of tea?”

“Call me Mustafa, Youssef. You’ve been loyal to your leader. With milk and two sugars,” I added.

As Youssef was making tea for me, I asked if there was a way to arrange a telephone line into the room. I was initially planning to stay at my Palace, but when I discovered that I “resigned”, I changed my plans.

“Perhaps, although...”

By now, he was stirring the sugar into my teacup, when–

The sound of a mini stampede outside the door rattled my teacup. “Run for it, run for it!” somebody called, in French.

I stood up and pushed the tea out of the way, the cup smashing on the floor. I flung open the door. They had escaped from their room and were running to the exit. I attempted to grab the nearest one to the entrance of the cave by the neck–

“Get–off–me!”

He thrashed around as he tried to wriggle out of my strong grip. Punching my jaw, my grip on him slackened before he tugged my hand off his clothes. He dived into the open depths of the dark sea.

How did they get escape?

I inspected the damage in my jaw with my fingers. “Youssef! Hati manadeel!” I ordered, in Arabic.

“Yes, sir!"

While I waited for my tissues, I opened to the room that they were in and discovered that they had managed to undo the lock from the inside. I removed the handle to make sure that the only way to enter from the outside. Later, I would have Youssef install cat-flaps to let the food in.

Back in the war, their system of opening the door for food was certainly not clever. In fact, that was the precise way I had escaped! Silly of me to forget. Just after the food was served, I picked the lock and my fellow soldiers and I escaped.

If I had to pull a lever to open the door, where was the lever? I found the metal lever which was next to the side entrance of the secret cave. I pulled it, the door closing. Now, there was no way to detect that the cave even existed.

It was wrong to call it a ‘cave’ however. It was close, but this ‘cave’ was built inside the cliff to house a few of their prisoners, and interrogate us for vital intelligence. It had a large circular room where the helicopter could fit in, amongst other thing. The ‘cave’ was nothing more than a corridor, a set of empty rooms to house prisoners and a large helipad.


Once Youssef finished making me another cup of tea after the first one smashed, I began to think about solutions to my dilemma. How would I be able to reinstate myself into power?
So soon after leaving, I could not ask the General to reinstate me. No. The public would be suspicious. They were already suspicious of the General, but if I left it for long then there would be calls for my trial. After all, what wrong had I done?

If I did have a trial, the jury would surely be biased, which was why the people could never be trusted. They demanded too much, and did not understand when it was not possible, and would always pick their friends or family even if they were biased.

I needed something to horrify, to reach the millions. The billions, even. I needed something to inject fear into the heart of the Egyptians. Perhaps it could be something to do with the people I had imprisoned after discovering the cave on that dark night. Those kids. Foolish kids who would do such silly things, including diving off the cliff. I heard them all.

Then I remembered why the cave existed. It existed for the captured.

I smiled widely. Revenge.

Nice second chapter. I liked having the viewpoint of the president. I liked how you get across the feelings on the ex-president when he finds out he is being fired. The names are pronounceable... but I don't think I will remember them. I know you are translating the names, but do you speak arabic? It is interesting to learn new names.

Can't see any grammatic errors, and dont forget to message me when the next chapther comes out!

Deanie x

what? Your name isn't Ahmad? Mac- who? ... so I am very confused today.

Now, his fate was sealed, as if it were possible to put it inside an envelope, ready to be sent to executors.This description was well done.

...“Mr. President, Your grammar, punctuation, flow and all is good, but here I have a different comment: If he's close enuf to call Mustafa by name, I guess he wouldn't call him Mr. President now, would he? Thinking realistically.there are millions in Tahrir Square. Some sources suggest that there are four million, and there are many countries with a population under that.” haha- another good description

“Wael, I suggest that you vacate this room at once. “

“Your allies are turning against you,” he continued. “The military are I think 'The military is-' is correct, we consider them as one body right?refusing to shoot at the protesters. Soon, we could will sounds more appropriatesee the collapse of the Egyptian economy–”

......... You will ruin theI guess the is unnecessary here thousands of years of civilisation–”

“What a foolish idea of meof mine, possessive to promote you to vice-president.

..........I grabbed him by the hem of his clothes.I think you should be more accurate on the clothes “Count your heartbeats,” I growled.

Lies. Lies! I should have never trusted my government. “I am leaving,” I announced, picking up my briefcase. “I am leaving the office for Sharm El Sheikh.”

“You–”

“Yes, Wael, you heard me.” I pressed the button for the elevator and entered. “I am going to leave you in peace for a while so I can relax in Sharm El Sheikh. My break was long overdue. I will not be seeing you or my unfaithful government–” the gleaming doors of the lift shut. “–for a while.” I didn't understand this part *blank face*

This could not be true. No. I certainly did not resign. But Wael made the statement... I like the way you try to hold the suspense


“Call me Mustafa, Youssef. You’ve been loyal to your leader. With milk and two sugars2 sugars sounds odd, 2 sugar cubes or sth, I donno. ,” I added.

As Youssef was making tea for me, I asked if there was a way to arrange a telephone line into the room. I was initially planning to stay at my Palace, but when I discovered that I “resigned”, I changed my plans. hahah- I like the ''resigned'' part

....I inspected the damage in my jaw with my fingers. “Youssef! Hati manadeel!” I ordered, in Arabic. I wonder how many ppl will get this, but I did.

“Yes, sir!

While I waited for my tissuesI think it's just tissue, even when plural, I opened to the room that they were in- this statement seems more complex than it's meaning, you get wht I mean right? and discovered that they had managed to undo the lock from the inside. I removed the handle to make sure that the only way to enter wasfrom the outside.


........even if they were biased. I found this statement confusing too

......Perhaps it could be something to do with the people I had imprisoned after discovering the cave on that dark night. Those kids. Foolish kids who would do such silly things, including diving off the cliff. I heard them all. Oh! That's where this relates.
u know what I'm most amazed by- you actually do change your style depending on character. I feared u wudn't be able to do that but u did... I like the story, I'll continue reading. Hope my review helps.

This is a really good story. I like it a lot and can't wait to hear the rest of it. The only problem I can see in the whole story so far is this part:

While I waited for my tissues, I opened to the room that they were in and discovered that they had managed to undo the lock from the inside. I removed the handle to make sure that the only way to enter from the outside. Later, I would have Youssef install cat-flaps to let the food in.

Back in the war, their system of opening the door for food was certainly not clever. In fact, that was the precise way I had escaped! Silly of me to forget. Just after the food was served, I picked the lock and my fellow soldiers and I escaped.

If I had to pull a lever to open the door, where was the lever? I found the metal lever which was next to the side entrance of the secret cave. I pulled it, the door closing. Now, there was no way to detect that the cave even existed.

It was wrong to call it a ‘cave’ however. It was close, but this ‘cave’ was built inside the cliff to house a few of their prisoners, and interrogate us for vital intelligence. It had a large circular room where the helicopter could fit in, amongst other thing. The ‘cave’ was nothing more than a corridor, a set of empty rooms to house prisoners and a large helipad.


Once Youssef finished making me another cup of tea after the first one smashed, I began to think about solutions to my dilemma. How would I be able to reinstate myself into power?
So soon after leaving, I could not ask the General to reinstate me. No. The public would be suspicious. They were already suspicious of the General, but if I left it for long then there would be calls for my trial. After all, what wrong had I done?

If I did have a trial, the jury would surely be biased, which was why the people could never be trusted. They demanded too much, and did not understand when it was not possible, and would always pick their friends or family even if they were biased.

I needed something to horrify, to reach the millions. The billions, even. I needed something to inject fear into the heart of the Egyptians. Perhaps it could be something to do with the people I had imprisoned after discovering the cave on that dark night. Those kids. Foolish kids who would do such silly things, including diving off the cliff. I heard them all.

Then I remembered why the cave existed. It existed for the captured.

I smiled widely. Revenge

(I couldn't choose what part of the end I wanted to put here so I just did the whole thing)

I couldn't understand this part. Why is the cave there? And why did he want to capture people? And what does capturing people have to do with him staying president? It's a confusing bit of work.

Other than that, I think your story is okay. It's suspenseful, mysterious, and has a great plot. I can't wait to read more!

P.S. AmeliaCogin is right. You may want to add more description of the places and people and your story. It will help in answering my questions as well and will also fix the confusing parts. . Hope this helps.