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The Diamond Fist: Chapter 1



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Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:52 pm
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Blues says...



Spoiler! :
Hi All!
So, this is Chapter One. The previous chapter can be found here. Thoughts and comments (and likes!) appreciated!



Chapter One

Liam


It’s like I’m the cause of everything, the cause of them disappearing, the cause of Mum and Dad’s divorce, the cause of–

“Liam.” My best friend James nudged me, while our teacher wasn’t looking.

Next, I’ll be the cause of World War Three.

“Liam, concentrate.” He waved his hand in front of my face.

“Huh?” I turned to look at him.

“I was saying that you aren’t being yourself–”

“’Course I am,” I replied.

“–wondering if you’re sad that you didn’t get through yesterday or something?”

It’s not about that... it’s about what happened after...

The events of the day before were played back in my head. I just wanted to get rid of the memories! But no.

x-x-x


“They’ve just wandered off, that’s all. I bet they’re on the beach now–’

“Are we really going to leave them?” I had said. “That’s not normal. People don’t just vanish like that.”

“What do you expect from us to do, Liam? Hmm? Dive off the cliff? It was your stupid idea anyway–”

“Yeah, Liam.”

“–and now you want us to do–”

“You told them to do it! It wasn’t an actual–For God’s sake, who’s got a phone? We need to call the police,” I had said, backing away, slowly.

“You’re not getting us involved. It’s your own problem.” The three of them walked off, leaving me alone on the dark, eerie cliff, alone.

Alone...

Apart from the sound of the waves gently rolling into the beach and the sound of my fingers tracing “It was your stupid idea” on the floor, there was silence. A spine-chilling, silence. All because of me.

Where on Earth did they go? Maybe... Maybe they swam back and went home.

Yeah, probably. It’s getting late.


x-x-x


“One common mistake is to...” Our teacher rambled on, unaware of the paper planes that glided over our heads or the quite conversations behind his back.

“Liam!” he muttered. “Where do you go? One minute you’re here and the next minute you don’t respond.”

I go to my imaginary world where dolphins fly and where it’s possible to drown a fish. “Sorry,” I said, watching our teacher write some unintelligible crap that only a Maths geek could understand.

“What’s wrong?” Leave me alone!

Turning my head, I shrugged, looking at his brown headphones that poked out of his polo shirt, camouflaged to the colour of his hair. “Nothing.”

“I want you to complete questions one to four from page 267,” said our teacher. At last! I didn’t need to worry about James extracting the answer out of me yet.

I hastily scribbled some answers before getting up and walking to Omar Kareem, who was the best by far at Maths. I was pretending that I couldn’t solve the equations in front of me. The last thing I needed was to drag someone else in the mess I had made.

“Omar,” I said, as I walked to his table. “This equation’s confusing. Can you help?”

“Yeah, sure!” he said, in his usual friendly and enthusiastic tone. With a swift movement of his arm, he cleared the mess of books, papers and a pair of glasses in front of the empty seat next to him onto the floor. “Sit here, I’ll show you.”



Five minutes later, I left the table and went back to my seat

As I came closer to my table, I could hear James’ conversation.

“The Valentine’s Disco is on Thursday, you coming?” said Dan, the guy behind James.

“Maybe,” replied James. “I’m thinking to ask them to go with me on Wednesday or something. Are you?”

I sat down, dragging James’ book in front of me to copy the answers.

“Yeah,” said Dan. “I’m going with Hannah. Is he?”

“I doubt it. He never goes.” James turned to face me. “You’re not going are you?”

“Dunno. I might...’

James was a bit surprised. “Oh.”

“...but then again, I might not.”

He seemed to have breathed a sigh of relief, but I wasn’t sure what for.

“Don’t mention it to them lot then.” Dan gestured with his head to some of the girls on the other side of the room. Please... Just don’t even start that. Why did they all seem to judge by looks. What was so good about me? Looks don’t mean I’m different from any other normal dude.

Before I had anytime to reply, the door opened, revealing the head teacher. I shoved James’ book out of the way.

“Sorry to interrupt you, students, but I have been asked by a parent if anyone has seen Damien Thomas?”

My heart began pounding. They did disappear. I knew all the answers. I knew how it happened. I knew where. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

The class was silent, but somebody shouted out that Damien was in Year ten.

“Does anyone have any idea where he was last?’

By then, my heart was beating so fast that if it were to run instead of beat, it could easily break a world record.

“If you do,” he said, in response to the silent class, “please visit my office as soon as possible. Thank you.”

The whole class began chattering again about Damien.

“What was that all about?” said James. “What do you think happened to him, Liam? ... Liam?” He sighed. “He’s gone again.”

x-x-x


After two hours of torture (whose idea was it for Maths and Science on the first day of the Egyptian week, on Sunday?), it was break. I met Lauren, my other best friend, at the front of the school like we always did at break times. There was a little garden-thing over there, with a few benches and flowers lining the edges, from red roses, to jasmines, to tulips and to a cherry tree which blossomed every spring. It was always quiet there because no one really came there, which was why me and Lauren loved it.

“Hey, Liam,” said Lauren, her light, chestnut brown hair floating in the wind.

“Hi Freckles,” I greeted, putting my hand on the back of the bench. We sat in silence for a few moments, enjoying each other’s company.

“Sir, we were all on the cliff and then...”

“My only son, how could you!” she replied, sobbing.

“I-I-I’m sorry, I–”

“This matter will have to be dealt with by the police. Our school does not deal with these things at the moment. My apologies, Mrs Thomas,” said the headteacher. “William, I–”


“Will... what is it like to have a step dad?” she said, quietly.

I frowned. “Huh? Oh... I–why? Did your mum want to get married to someone?”

“No... I was just wondering what it’d be like if... Mum did remarry.”

Do you remember your dad?”

“Not much,” she said, shaking her head. “He ran off twelve years ago, when were still in Britain with... her.

“Well.” I began, exhaling, “he’d be nice, and maybe buy you stuff, like when Andrew bought me a PlayStation but...” I paused. “It feels a little awkward sometimes ‘cause I remember my Dad and I still see him in the holidays. It’s kinda like... like you have two Dads in a way. I think it’d be OK with you though, if you had a stepdad ‘cause you don’t remember him.”

Just get out of my head! The thoughts gushed like a waterfall, each drop of water that hit the bottom caused my stomach to twist and turn, as if it was a punishment for what I did.

You didn’t do anything!


“Did you get through yesterday?” she said, a minute later.

“Yeah, I did,” I said, grinning. “Do I get a hug for it?” I put on a childish voice.

“Of course you do!” she replied in the same voice I used.

I hugged her, and said, “You’re now hugging a future Olympic gold medallist. Would you like my autograph?”

“Ooh, yes please!” She searched her bag, and retrieved a purple pen and a piece of paper.

I signed it, feeling a little bit proud of myself, even though it was a daydream. Time to practice signing autographs.

“Is your Volleyball practice tonight?”

“You know it’s on Sundays,” she replied, lightly punching me on the arm.

“Is anyone from school coming?”

“I think so.”

“Oh OK... I won’t come then.”

“Why not?”

“Well...” I was a little bit lost for words. “Well... I don’t really want to draw attention to myself–”

“You’re bound to get attention Liam, you’re good-looking enough.”

“What’s so good about me?’

“I could make a whole list–”

Still! All the guys always say ‘You’re lucky the girls think you’re good-looking, you can get them all’ and all the girls say ‘Oh my God, you’re really handsome’ and whatever else they’ll say. It’s like none of them really care about who I really am, it’s only about looks.” What was so handsome about me anyway? I was lean, on the taller side with hollow cheeks and blond hair. I just wanted to be left alone. Attention sucked.

“But that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Only the people who truly know you can see who you really are, such as James and I,’ she said, gazing into my dark green eyes with her electric blue ones before looking away.

The bell rang.

“Lauren... before we go, do you happen to know how to call the police?”

“I’d imagine it’s one-two-two, but I can’t be sure. Omar Kareem is sure to know though, why don’t you ask him?”

“Oh. OK. Thanks,” I said, beginning to walk to our next class.

“Why?”

“Er... well... It’s a long story Lauren. You wouldn’t want to know.”

“Tell me Liam. Did someone mug you?”

“No way! No one ever does that here.” I wish they’d mug me of the guilt... It hurt to know that it was all because of me.

“Then what happened?”

I sighed. “We were celebrating on the cliff yesterday, when some people were dared to jump off.”

Lauren gasped, her eyes widening with shock. “They drowned? You’ve got to be joking–”

“They didn’t drown; we heard them come back up. But then they disappeared, like they dropped off the face of the Earth.”

“That must’ve been some dare. Who was it?”

A lump rose to my throat. “M-me. All because of me.”

Previous Chapter (Prologue)

Next Chapter
Last edited by Blues on Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:51 pm
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xMidnightWriterx says...



Hello :D

I have noticed that your writing is very speech based. You have a lot more speech then anything else. I know it can be tricky to add the same in-depth description in a first person piece as you can in a third person piece but try and add some more description, as well as personal thoughts, in there.
Also, you don't really mention anything about what happened in the prologue. I was hoping to get more of an explination on it then just a quick mention. But if you have something in the planning by not explaining it yet then I would keep on at that. Sorry if that's confusing.
You also have a few typos:

“I’m thinking them to ask if they want to go with me on Wednesday or something. ‘Are you?”


This doesn't quite make sense.

“Doubt it. He never goes. James turned to face me. “You’re not going are you?


You've missed two lots of speech marks.

just–don’t even start that.


I don't know if you ment to put the dash in their or not.

I greeted, referencing the few brown freckles on her cheeks. putting my hand on the back of the bench.


"refrencing to" instead of "refrencing the" and the second sentance doesn't make sense, plus you've missed a capital letter.

Apart from what I've mentioned, this is really good. Do keep up the good writing. If you have any queries PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x
  





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Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:58 pm
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AdamHomer says...



I agree with Midnight, real dialogue heavy. I am too, and it can do wonders when juxtaposed with internal thought process. Example Liam attitude toward Omar and how he actually acts.

After two hours of torture–I mean two hours of maths and science–it was break. I met Lauren, my other best friend, at the front of the school like we always did. There was a little garden-thing over there, with a few benches and flowers lining the edges, from red roses, to jasmines, to tulips and to a cherry tree which blossomed every spring. It was always quiet there because no one really came there, which was why me and Lauren loved it.


Leave it at 'torture' dude. More dynamic that way.

“Well.” I began, exhaling, “he’d be nice, and maybe buy you stuff, like when Andrew bought me a PlayStation but...” I paused. “It feels a little awkward sometimes ‘cause I remember my Dad and I still see him in the holidays. It’s kinda like... like you have two Dads in a way. I think it’d be OK with you though, if you had a stepdad ‘cause you don’t remember him.”


Probably the most organic passage.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 9:47 pm
Blues says...



.
Last edited by Blues on Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:15 am
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AmeliaCogin says...



Hiya mac. I'm so sorry: I completely forgot to review this chapter for you! Life is just so hectic! I PROMISE to do it later today and if I forget, please PM me! SO SORRY!
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:57 am
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xMidnightWriterx says...



Heya, this is much better. :D

Still very speech based though, but you've added better personal thoughts. You also took what everyone said onboard and made the first chapter really good, just like you did with the prologue! Well done. Can't wait to see what happens in chapter two. You know the routine if you have a query, Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore
  





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Sat Aug 13, 2011 6:59 am
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AmeliaCogin says...



Hiya! After reading both passages, I thought I'd better review the second. It was really good. Like a few of the other reviewers pointed out, It was very speech-based, and still is, but I like it that way! It somehow makes it more true to life, because we use so much speech every day.
You just the right amount of description, you prose flowed well, and above all, it was simple, effective, and made a good impact. I haven't really got any more constructive critisism for you, except this:

Ahmadblues wrote:“–wondering if you’re sad that you didn’t get through yesterday or something?”

It’s not about that... it’s about what happened after...

The events of the day before were played back in my head. I just wanted to get rid of the memories! But no.


This bit was a little hard to 'get' at first. I eventually understood where you were going - liam looking back - but it is cluttered and confusing. I think it would help if you put where the speech changes to his thoughts and his looking back on events begins by italicizing. Like this:

It’s not about that... it’s about what happened after..

How's that? Other than that, this was pretty perfect! Let me know about chapter 2, Okay? thanks for the great read!

~ Amelia
  





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Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:12 pm
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Esther Sylvester says...



Hey! I am so sorry about not getting to your work sooner. I've been working on a few things of my own, and it's hard to get out of creative writing mode into reviewing mode. Anyway, let's see what I can do!

You know what I love about you? It's that you take all of the constructive critisism -- the "good" kind -- and then apply it to your work. Your writing is improving by the minute. The second draft is a lot better than the first, and your first chapter is better than the prologue. If you continue at this rate, you'll be a pro soon enough. I just thought I would say that. It proves you are a really mature person. Lot's of people think their writing is perfect, and won't accept any help at all. I myself still cringe when I get a large dose of critisism. Anyway, enough gushing! Let's review this puppy!

First off, I'd like to pop off a few nitpicks before I forget them. Don't worry, it's just a couple.

“What was that all about?” said James. “What do you think happened to him, Liam? ... Liam?” He sighed. “He’s gone again.”


Something didn't click for me here. Is Liam actually gone? I doubt it. I think you are just trying to say that Liam has gone back into his own personal world again. In that case, he wouldn't have heard what his classmates were saying at that point. If he was, and was just ignoring them, be sure to say that he was ignoring them. Or you could say something like, "As I slipped back into my world where dolphins fly and fish cannot drown, my classmate's voices slipped away like a receding tide." (Okay, maybe NOT Like that, ha! And also, I adore your dolphin quote) Other wise, this feels like a slip into the third person. I know, super nitpicky, but I thought I would just point that out.

After two hours of torture (who’s idea was it for Maths and Science on a Sunday Morning?), it was break. I met Lauren, my other best friend, at the front of the school like we always did at break times. There was a little garden-thing over there, with a few benches and flowers lining the edges, from red roses, to jasmines, to tulips and to a cherry tree which blossomed every spring. It was always quiet there because no one really came there, which was why me and Lauren loved it.


See the bold. When describing something, try to avoid using words such as "thing" or "thingy" because they make you sound like you don't know what you are talking about. This undermines the creativity of the rest of the paragraph because you sound uncertain of what your world actually looks like. I think it's just a garden, so leave it at that. If it isn't, try to find words that fit it other than "thing".

Okay, nitpicks done! Ugh, I hate nitpicking. Onto your story!

STORY:

Nice intro! Very nice! It catches the reader's eye immediately!

It’s like I’m the cause of everything, the cause of them disappearing, the cause of Mum and Dad’s divorce, the cause of–


Change the first comma after the word everything to a colon ( : ) since "It's like I'm the cause of everything" serves as an intro to a list.

I like how you snap Liam out of his dream world, and how casually he talks with other characters. You are natural with dialogue, which is a gift one shouldn't take lightly! There is nothing worse than stiff dialogue! One part of the story that didn't suit me well was when your character said that he "remembered the events of the day before" and wished that he could "erase his memories" or something like that. It actually isn't that believable that he would want to forget after something like that happened the day before. Wouldn't he want to do something about his friends disapearance? Wouldn't he be the least curious? If you made the events so they happened longer ago, like maybe a week, it would make more sense. A normal child's brain would still be rattling from those events, even into the next day.

I really don't have much to critique here, so I'm nitpicking. I wasn't sure why the Liam and Freckles (adorable nickname) scene in the garden was important to the plot. He just brought up his step-dad, and I'm not quite sure of the relevance to the rest of the story. So long as you provide the connection soon, that's okay. Otherwise, change it up or get rid of it. I personally like the scene because I think that the two should fall in love and be together forever (please?), but at the moment it almost seems non sequitur.

Other than that, nothing wrong with your story! Your plot intrigues me, and you are going at a pretty solid pace. Just look for little inconsistances or things not important to the progression of the story and you should be fine.

COMPOSITION:

Like my fellow reviewers said, this was dialogue heavy. I personally adore dialogue, but when you have a lot of it, you have to do it right. You pretty much fixed up everything here, but in future chapters always remember to provide how characters react to certain kinds of dialogue, and don't forget to put dialogue tags in important places. I still lose track of who is talking every now and then.

DESCRIPTION: Not a whole lot of description, so not a lot to critique! I would actually like a little more here. For example, what does Liam look like? Believe it or not, blond hair and green eyes don't tell the reader much. All we see is floating wig with green eyes hanging from it. (Maybe not so extreme as that..) Is Liam of a lean or muscular build? Does he have a square face, or does he have a round face that gives him a feminine appearance? When describing characters, and I mean all characters, be sure to describe in addition to hair and eye color any specific traits that make that character stand out. For example, a broken nose, squinty eyes, bushy eyebrows, etc. It puts us into the story that much more. When you called Lauren "Freckles" I loved it because it was a slight imperfection that made her even more human, and even more adorable.

CHARACTERS:

Speaking of which, Lauren seems just right to me. She's not too girly or fake. You shouldn't worry about making a guy "manly" and a girl "girly" too much unless it suits their character. It isn't that big of a thing to sweat, so long as you know the basic differences between girls and guys. Guys don't get PMS and most girls don't have boxes of comic books in their closet (myself not included), but that doesn't mean we can't bend the rules a little.

I would like a more effort into making each character behaving differently. The only unique characters so far are Liam and Lauren -- hey, two "Ls"!, but you shouldn't just have the main characters be different. For example, I would like a little more information into James's character. You can do a lot through mannerisms and speech patterns, so look into it a little.

Well, that's pretty much it! Really not much to critique! I enjoyed this chapter very much. I think your biggest flaw is your lack of definition. Be sure to flesh the descriptions and characters out with description and details, but don't overkill. Dialogue, story, and description are INCREDIBLY difficult to balance, but I'm sure you can get the hang of it. You have already improved so much.

Keep up the good work!

Esther
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Deanie says...



Lauren is a believable character, you did a really good job. Couldn't see any mistakes, but I think you need to read through this again carefully. When you write in speech, I noticed this quite a lot, you sometimes forget to put in your apostrophes. You always start with them, but then you forget the end ones. I think you need to correct that otherwise you might confuse the reader.

And the sometimes you use double apostrophe (") and at other times sing;e ('). I don't know which one your meant to use when you write, I think you can use either, not sure so you might want to check that, but you need to stick to one.

I enjoyed it just as much as I enjoyed the prologue. Going on to read next chapter!

Deanie x
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angel007angel says...



You have done the girl right. I liked it and it's so something I would read, being a 15 year old girl. I did like it and most of the nit-picks have been done so I'll say the good things. I liked your characters but I think you need to develope them more, and I liked the beginning as I really got into it. I'm glad it went straight into the speech, so well done and please keep writing, you are really good! I like you. :D
- angel007angel x
  





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murtuza says...



Yo, Ahmadbro!

So I've already read the prologue to this novel and I found it to be quite an eye-opener to the tone of the rest of the plot. Liam's character has been well described and there's a good sense of momentum that you've managed to build up over the short interval between just these two chapters.

Firstly, I'm struck with the same beginning as in the last chapter where we see the character loathe himself for the situations that he's caused. If that's how each chapter is going to begin, then for me, it's going to sound a bit too repetitive and very predictable too.

You've started out the dialogue with James speaking. And then Liam speaks and so on it goes for a few lines and it's easy to understand who's going to speak next.
“They’ve just wandered off, that’s all. I bet they’re on the beach now–’

I'm not familiar as to who spoke this dialogue since the previous dialogue was also from James. So I'm a bit confused as to which character this could be who apparently came into the conversation so abruptly and without any introduction. It's always good to re-introduce the characters for each new chapters so that the reader can keep in pace with who's who. By 'introducing', I mean this - 'James said, "...." And Murt replied, "...."'. So now the reader doesn't need to get confused as to the order of dialogue.

“You’re not getting us involved. It’s your own problem.” The three of them walked off, leaving me alone on the dark, eerie cliff, alone.

Alone...

Here, you've got three 'Alone's. And reading that word twice in the last line of the short paragraph and then again having it stand in solitary stance seems quite repetitive. Maybe but off the second 'alone' and it'll sound a lot more streamlined. :)

I go to my imaginary world where dolphins fly and where it’s possible to drown a fish.

This is a great line to describe the character's mind a little bit to the readers. But the wordings don't seem to really fit there and they lack a certain sense of relevance towards what is happening. I'm quite at doubt whether it's actually his imagination talking or whether it's his conscience he should be referring to. And I'm sure you could have come up with something more better than flying dolphins and drowning fish. :) I can understand why you're relating it to the sea, but it sounds a bit recycled and doesn't really shout out 'originality'. Though this is just a minor thing. It's not such a big deal and doesn't hinder much. It's just something to point out, if you're looking to have an improved version the idea later on.

I'm also perplexed as to the sudden transition in environments. In the beginning, they're all on the beach and then suddenly, they are in the classroom chatting with one another. Maybe you could try making a divider to show the interval between the two different changes in scenery like so -
I vowed to find out what happened, although I had no idea how.

_____________________________________________________________________

OR


-x-x-x-


OR


[Insert pattern design/scene divider Here]


“Liam! Where do you go? One minute you’re here and the next minute you don’t respond.”


I do like the sweet relationship between Liam and Lauren and it's a nice bond that they share. Lauren's role becomes quite integral as it can be seen here and I'm sure there's potential for much more to come. (Perhaps a romantic interest for Liam?). I'm looking forward to all of that in the forthcoming chapters.

There were a few lines that I particularly loved. It all just melded in together perfectly and created the atmosphere and effect with such ease and vibrancy, which is what you would have wanted, I'm sure :D

“What was that all about?” said James. “What do you think happened to him, Liam? ... Liam?” He sighed. “He’s gone again.”

This is very funny indeed. It's almost become Liam's signature thing. To space-out, mid sentence. xD

“Yeah, I did,” I said, grinning. “Do I get a hug for it?” I put on a childish voice.

“Of course you do!” she replied in the same voice I used.

This is a very sweet and endearing convo. It creates just the right amount of character development for me to get attached to them and also make me concerned for them as well. Since I'm so gullible into believing in these characters, I'm very much interested myself. ^.^

So Ahmadbro, I enjoyed reading this chapter a lot. You've done some great work here and I'm looking forward to reading the rest. I am quite late in reviewing this though, so apologies for that. But on the whole, you've put in a great bit of effort into writing this and it can be seen.

Keep the ink flowing, Ahmadbro 8)

Murtuza
:)
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Mon Jan 23, 2012 6:24 pm
HHemayed says...



(while our teacher wasn’t looking.)
(The three of them walked off, leaving me alone on the dark, eerie cliff, alone.)
I don't get it. Where are they? Are they in class, but remembering a memory?? It's not clear.
(Leave me alone!)
Who does this belong to?

(“Don’t mention it to them lot then.” Dan gestured with his head..)
There's something confusing about this, especially this part: (lot then).

(By then, my heart was beating so fast that if it were to run instead of beat, it could easily break a world record.)
I love this part. :)

(It was always quiet there because no one really came there,)
I think you should try to reduce the usage of (there).
( which was why me and Lauren loved it.)
Maybe you need to say: (Lauren and I)

(“Sir, we were all on the cliff and then...”

“My only son, how could you!” she replied, sobbing.

“I-I-I’m sorry, I–”

“This matter will have to be dealt with by the police. Our school does not deal with these things at the moment. My apologies, Mrs Thomas,” said the headteacher. “William, I–”)

I was completely lost at this part. Do you mind making it a bit clearer?

(“Not much,” she said, shaking her head. “He ran off twelve years ago, when were still in Britain with... her.”)
You forgot to put "we", it would be:(when we were..)

(Only the people who truly know you can see who you really are,)
You forgot a comma between: "you" and "can".

I know I've been quite harsh, but the chapter is really good except for these tiny mistakes. I've got to say well done! :D
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You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan