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Running With Wolves Ch. 2 (so far)



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Sun Sep 20, 2009 6:14 pm
zoorah12 says...



This is what I have so far of chapter 2 of my current novel. If you haven't read the first chapter, it is also posted in the Action/adventure section. Please review, I will be happy to return the favor!




Chapter 2
Luke waited anxiously for his foster father’s harsh words, watching the coastline as they roared past the beach. His father finished his conversation on the phone, and placed his Blackberry on the dashboard. “Tom wants us all to have another conversation...he said for you to pack your bags.”
Luke looked up, his eye’s met his father’s, and there was a brief connection of sorrow between them. The moment was broken as the light flickered green and his father hit the gas, flying past the sports complex.
“So it’s really happening?” Luke asked, relaxing his head against the window. His father looked over at him in disbelief. “Yeah. Tom warned you. What did you expect? That he would just let you off the hook the next time this happened?”
“I dunno.”
They pulled up into the driveway, and his father tapped the button to open the garage.
“Go inside and pack, Tom will be here in an hour and I want you ready,” He said, opening his door. Luke grabbed his backpack, lightly closing the door of the Mercedes behind him. His foster mom wasn’t there to greet him as he walked through the door like usual, he was an outcast. She eyed him angrily as he hurried up the steps to his bedroom.
The room was completely dark save the small lamp next to his bed. Shadows were cast in all directions as the small light attempted to shine through. Luke nonchalantly flicked on his overhead lamp, and headed to his closet to begin gathering his things. He walked inside, the shelves stuffed with books that he had read over the years. Classics such as: A Tale of Two Cities, The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn, and one of his personal favorites The Lord of The Rings. Stuffing them all into a suitcase he began to work on his clothes, folding them neatly in an attempt to fit them all in.
The phone rang, and luke paused, waiting to see if his mom would answer it. After two rings, he grabbed it himself; it was Alex.
“Hey, man,” Luke said as he picked up the phone.
“I can’t believe it, dude! Again the very next day!”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Luke sighed.
“You really hate that guy. But you are only letting him win, when you allow him to get to you like that. He embarrassed you in front of all those people. No offense.”
Luke zipped his suitcase, “Yeah, but did you see me take him down? I bet no one was expecting that!”
“True. Still, I don’t know what Amy’s reaction was. Does it even matter? Are you leaving? You know...for good?” Alex’s mood dropped, as he whispered the last few words as if they were a prophecy of imminent doom.
Luke hesitated, “I think so, man. Tom is coming tonight to talk...but he told me to pack my stuff. I have heard this before...” There was no answer from the other line. There was a silence, and it began to sink in...Luke wasn’t going to see him anymore.
“Well...” Alex began, “You know, I hate to be mad at you. But you did ask for this. I’m not gonna see you anymore will I? No more surfing on the weekends, no more going to the lake over the summer, no more...”
“I know...” Luke sighed. He had never thought about what it would be like saying goodbye to Alex. Never had to think about it, he had been with his current parents since he was six, and never expected to leave. Things were about to really change. “God, I’m so stupid!” He couldn’t bring himself to cry, though, even despite all the pain building up inside him.
He could tell Alex was starting to on the other line, and he had trouble speaking, “Can...Can I come see you tonight, You know...to hang out one last time?”
“Yeah, of course. Come right now.”
“Alright.” Alex’s mood lifted, “Cya in a second.”
Luke hung up the phone, and slouched down onto his bed. Gazing up at the mahogany fan, he tried to make sense of all the mixed feelings twisted up inside him. He had so many questions, worries, that he couldn’t push out of his mind. Regret plagued his mind, and he shook with disappointment in himself. Reaching blindly for a book, his fingers drew forth Jon Krakauer’s “Into The Wild” Luke’s mood lifted, transforming his scowl into a meager smile. He idolized Christopher McCandless, and had read the biography “Into The WIld” multiple times. He slowly opened the book, but the shrill sound of his mother’s call forced him to put it down again.
“Luke! Alex is here!”
“Coming,” Luke shouted back, rising from his bed and moving swiftly to the stairs. Their eyes met, and Alex let out a wide grin.
“Hey, man. How you doing?”
“Alright, just getting ready.” Luke responded, averting his gaze from his mother.
“Excuse me, Alex,” she smiled, “Luke, have you finished packing?” He hesitated, and her smile vanished.
“Let me just make sure I have everything.”
“Alright, Tom should be here soon. Don’t be late.”
Luke rolled his eyes, and Alex fought to hold back laughter, “Let’s go up to your room. Might as well see it one last time.”
Luke nodded and began up the stairs, beckoning for Alex to follow. The two climbed the steps in silence. Luke could Alex’s aura of disappointment, he wore it all over his face, and his body language was a sure-fire giveaway. When they were in shelter of Luke’s room, Alex began to release his feelings, “So you’re really goin...? I can’t believe it man. After all these years.” Luke was silent, he couldn’t bear to gaze into his friends tear ridden eyes. It was his fault, and he knew it. He was responsible for the pain of so many people. How he wished he could rewind his life to correct his mistake, but it was impossible, it was done.
“Yeah... I know,” Luke forced out, still averting his eyes from Alex. His head shot up as he felt arms wrapping themselves around him, and Alex pulled Luke closer. Much to his surprise and dismay, Luke could no longer fight back the tears, and they began to flow freely down his face. They hugged for what seemed like an eternity before releasing, locking eyes as they parted.
“So what else are you bringing with you?” Alex asked, as he toured the room, attempting to mask his pain.
“Most likely just a few more books,” Luke sighed, following after him. Alex smiled and ran his hand along the dresser, “You love to read, my friend” Luke nodded, and then there was silence. The situation was awkward for the both of them, both struggling to deal with the harsh realities of the situation.
The silence was broken, his mom shouting from the kitchen, “Boys, Tom is here! Bring down your stuff, Luke!” Luke grabbed his bags, and they both dragged their feet as the moved downstairs. Tom smiled as they entered the room, and Luke forced out a smile in response. Alex merely stared blankly at the scene. Tom broke the silence, clearing his throat in attempt to begin the conversation.
“I heard what happened at school, Luke.” He began.
“I already know, I know.” Luke muttered, flashing a look.
“Didn’t we talk about this problem beforehand?”
Luke could tell Tom was struggling to maintain his calm aura in the presence of Alex.
“Um. I should probably go, it’s getting kinda late...” Alex said, breaking the silence as he inched towards the door. Tom paused, and locked eyes with Alex. Grimacing his fake smile, he insisted there was no need. “Oh no, no need to leave on account of me!”
Alex raised his eyebrow, looking towards Luke in confusion. Luke couldn’t help but smile, and urged him to return to the couch.
Luke’s parents were beginning to grow unsettled, and they bore signs of immediate uncertainty on their faces. Sensing that they wanted the situation decided, Luke resumed his focus on Tom. “So what does all of this mean? I’m leaving, aren’t I?” Tom laughed, and knelt down so that he could be on the same level. Luke hated it when he did that, and he scowled in disapproval.
“Look,” Tom began. “We can’t just keep pretending like these things never happen. Like I said before: this is a problem, Luke. I can’t think of any other way to solve it. Do you understand?”
Luke nodded, taking care to not let his eyes wander to Alex. He hated to admit it, and the realization and anger slowly began to slip away to pain. He had to be strong, just like he had always been in the past. But, the silence that came over the room, the realization that he was leaving, was too much for him to bear. Before he could stop himself, warm tears found their way from the corner of eyes across his cheek.
The room remained silent, thoughts of despair filling their minds, and the refusal to believe the inevitable truth forced their mouths immobile. Tom raised from the ground, turning to face Luke’s parents he handed them the forms. Alex was in tears as well. Even his father, whom had shown no compassion towards the issue earlier, was now fighting stable his hand while signing. His world was about to change dramatically, wether it would be for the better: only time could tell. However, his immediate reaction was he would loathe the change. Starting over...again. Something that was not an uncommon phrase in the life of a foster child.
Everyone paused as Alex rose from the couch, without a word he made his way to the door. One last look back, and he was out the door, leaving it to swing forcefully behind him. Shaken, his parents returned the papers to Tom.
“When?” The only word his mother could force out.
“Tonight,” Tom replied, filing the papers into his briefcase. SIlence once again gripped the room, and Luke rose to grab his bags. He could feel his parent’s gaze boring into him, their analytic personalities struggling to read his emotions.
“His flight is tomorrow,” Tom began, breaking the silence. “We will stay at a hotel tonight before we get him on his way.”
“Where?” Luke asked, noting that Tom had been addressing his parents with his statement. Turning, Tom gave a feeble attempt to boost the morale of the broken family. “Alaska.”
“Alaska?!” Luke replied, his tone hinting at his excitement. Sensing Luke’s favor towards the idea, he continued more confidently. “Yes, there is an older couple their who have been looking to adopt for some time now. They are in no condition to raise younger children, so I figured you would be a good fit.”
His parent’s continued to stare blankly, no signs of emotion were shown upon their faces. But he could sense their uneasiness towards the situation. Tom remained still, shifting his weight, and Luke could tell he was anxious to go.
“So we should get going...” he said in attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation. “I will give you some time alone.” He gave a quick shake with my father before heading out the door. Luke turned to face his parents. His mother was holding back her tears, and it stung to see her this way. He knew it was his fault, his fault that so many who loved him would be forced to suffer.
“So this is it,” his father began. “No longer a need to fuss over what has happened. It does not matter now. I’m sorry for what I said earlier, but I was just afraid to lose you. But if this is for the best, then I wish you good luck.” His father wrapped his arms around him, squeezing the tears from Luke’s eyes. His mother stepped forward, placing her hands on his cheeks.
“Remember we will always love you. No matter what happens.”
“...I know, mom”
Luke stepped back, and turned to walk to the door. Forcing himself not to look back, not to gaze back at the memories of his home and his friend, who was now the victim of his poor judgment. Amidst the feelings of anguish and pain, he found a jewel of hope inside him. He was going to Alaska, the place he had always dreamt of. The land in which his role model, Christopher McCandless, had searched for his true purpose. It was also the land of the wolves and the grizzly, beasts that had fascinated him since his early years.
Tom smiled as Luke headed down the walk, and then engine sprang to life. He stepped into the front seat, closing the door with little hesitation. Tom placed his hand on the head of Luke’s seat and twisted around as he backed out. Luke was never going to see the beautiful sandstone house again, but more importantly...Alex.
Tom drove fast on the highway, slipping in between cars, and constantly changing lanes to pass those who slowed him. It reminded him of his father, aggressive and self-confident. The silence was broken as Tom shifted his attention to Luke, tossing him a few light books. “Here, I got you these. So you can read up on the place that you will be living. The town is near The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, one of the largest in the world. I figured it might interest you.”
“Really? One of the largest in the world?”
“Yup”
“Wow. Thanks,” Luke replied, ruffling through the pages of the first book.
As he tore through the pages, he learned about the parks unique history; about the wide variety of animals that had been thriving in the land for thousands of years, about the Porcupine herd of caribou which had been migrating to the refuge for more than 100,000 years. This unique ecosystem, a place virtually untouched by human society, greatly intrigued him. fascinated by this wild place, he thirsted to learn more. But just as he had began to think the place was perfect, the ugly threat to ANWR was revealed. Humanities endless need for oil, and the depleting resources around the globe, was urging oil companies to fight for permission to drill in the refuge. He had learned the previous year about oil’s effect on the environment. Not only was it causing the earth to warm, but drilling and spills also were behind devastating changes to the world.
“We’re coming up on the airport, here’s your ticket.” Tom’s voice beckoned him out of the mountainous fantasy. Luke nodded, “Alright, thanks.”
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.




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Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:51 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Cool. I tell this is going to be good. Don't have any comments, sorry. I hope you post more soon. I'd really like to read it. :)
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
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Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:18 pm
irishfire says...



Wow! This is fantastic! Great job!

I really like this story, its very real and touching. (I started to well up :cry: )

I saw a couple of grammar things though, VERY easy to fix just capalization :smt002:

The phone rang, and luke paused, waiting to see if his mom would answer it.


I think you meant to captalize that?

“Into The WIld”


Lower case?

“Yes, there is an older couple their who have been looking to adopt for some time now.


I believe you mean there*?

fascinated by this wild place, he thirsted to learn more.


Capital "F"? And I'm not sure thirsted is a word, I would change it to yearned or something like that, but I could be wrong *shrugs*

Well those are the only things I found, and again its a great story! :D

Keep up the awesome work!

-Irish :elephant:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

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Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:39 am
Skittles says...



“So we should get going...” he said in attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation. “I will give you some time alone.” He gave a quick shake with my :shock: father before heading out the door.

Are you in first person or in third?!!!!!

AnOthEr THinG, You kEeP SpellInG woRdS wiTh RanDom CapItalIzaTioN!!!

Other than that, i couldn't step away from my computer. please post more!

Skittles
When life hands you lemons.....stuff them in your bra...
Dear Edward,
Piss off you poser
,Dracula

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My mama used to say life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gunna get...




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Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:58 pm
zoorah12 says...



Thanks guys
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.




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Mon Sep 28, 2009 6:54 pm
Jetpack says...



Okay, I'm here as you asked. I could nitpick this, but there's little point, considering you just repeat the same mistakes over and over again throughout. This is a more general critique. I've picked out some of your basic errors and just given you a quick summary of my thoughts and advice on them.

:arrow: Dialogue punctuation needs some work. The basic rules are highlighted in this article and/or this one, both featuring in the YWS Knowledge Base. If you read through those and still don't understand the rules, don't hesitate to PM me, but I won't be commenting on your dialogue punctuation futher in this crit. The rules are simple; learn them and you'll have no trouble.

:arrow: Comma splice/run-on sentence. That's when you use a comma instead of a full stop and have a sentence that's really made up of two. This article will help you to replace comma splices and to identify them.

:arrow: Drama without emotion. Especially in the scenes with Alex, you neglect to show the sorts of emotion you describe. It's clear that Luke's upset, but we don't feel any of it, and your repetition of "one last time" and Luke's constant self-pity is really irritating as a consequence. There are several ways to work on this and bring the emotion to the forefront of your piece.

    :idea: Flesh out your characters. The foster parents especially are very flat. You contradict yourself with their personalities; one minute they seem completely uncaring about Luke and his life, the next there's a supposedly heartfelt scene where they're bidding him farewell. You need to make them believably strict, so describing Luke as an outcast in his own home is off the menu, as such. They need to be obviously trying to keep Luke from leaving rather than disciplining him for no reason, or else the ending falls flat and we just laugh. Head over to Character Development for a kickstart on that front. They have some awesome exercises that will really help you out.

    :idea: Make your dialogue more realistic. There are several ways, in turn, that you can do this.

      :!: Stand around at a bus stop, a café, or any busy place and just listen. Listen to people's conversations, listen to the way they speak, listen to the tones of voices. Even try and pick someone out who's similar to your character and focus on them, copy their mannerisms. Just try not to be too obvious. ;)

      :!: Use contractions, i.e. "don't", "wouldn't", "won't", "haven't" etc. Your characters are not stuck in some poorly written fantasy novel in which everyone talks with "will not" and "cannot" and "do not". How many people actually talk like that today?

      :!: Get a friend to read your work, or even someone on YWS who hasn't read it yet, and give them some sample dialogue (no names) and a character summary, and see if they can work out who's talking with the listed examples. It's quite a fun exercise, but it'll also tell you whether your characters have unique voices. We should be able to tell who's talking simply by how they say it in dialogue; this also connects with fleshing out your characters and giving them something unique to work with.

      :!: Stay away from those clichés! "We will always love you, no matter what." "I'll give you some time alone." They're very overused. They're almost at the point where they're laughable rather than dramatically useful, so leave them to die in a corner and go find some unique dialogue.

:arrow: Character development. I've already mentioned the foster parents, but all the characters need an extra dimension to them. Character Development (the forum) can help you a lot here, but I'll just give you a quick idea of what I'm talking about.

Take Tom. We're only seeing one side of Tom's character. He's the caring social worker in this story, at the end of the day, and doesn't amount to much more. Doesn't he ever appear to be reigning his temper in himself? Why is he stern and yet kind and caring at the same time? Can he be both?

More importantly, Luke. Luke's self-pity in this chapter is pretty excruciating, or it was for me, anyway. He spends an awful lot of the time regretting his actions, which could happen, but gets irritating for the reader. Express that pity through other characters rather than Luke himself. Luke doesn't appear to have any defining characteristics at the moment. So he likes wolves. Is there a reason? So he gets into fights. Is there a reason?

Character development implies just that: development. Think your characters through.

Okay, I'll leave it at that as I'm getting tired and I can't think of anything else to comment on right now. The plotline's not atrocious, so don't despair and screw everything up and start over, but you need to give serious thought to the novel you're writing. I prefer short stories, having written two novellas at about 30000 words when I was younger and reading them only months later to think, "Jeez, that was bad." As you grow as a writer, you'll always end up thinking that to some extent, but try to be the best you can be. A novel is a serious undertaking, and why so many young writers go straight to them is beyond asking.

I have just a couple of questions to add on to the end.

Why does Luke keep calling his foster parents his mother and father? Okay, he's lived with them for a long time, so it's excused a little, but you mentioned in the first chapter that it had been the same with all the foster parents he'd been with, or something. He's been with others that he can remember, from before the age of six?

Luke and Alex have a pretty heartfelt conversation and Luke seems to cry quite a lot, even in front of his friend. No matter how close they are, this doesn't quite seem like guys to me... They try and hide it if they are crying; I speak from the experience of having two brothers, but maybe a guy's POV would be better.


That's it from me. Have a good one, and good luck with editing.

- Jet.




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Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:25 pm
tanith14 says...



Jetpack covered the majority of what I wanted to say so I guess the only thing I have to add is keep writing. The only way you get better is practice and I see a lot of potential here. Continue to hone your skills ESPECIALLY with dialogue and character development; that is where you need the most growth.

Continue dreaming and writing. I'll be sure to follow this story.
If there is one thing in the world I CAN'T stand it is the Redwings.




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Wed Sep 30, 2009 11:41 pm
zoorah12 says...



Thanks. And btw, I play hockey... and I am a redwings fan
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.







Russets and tangerine shades of old gold flushing the very outside edge of the senses ... deep shining ochres, burnt umber and parchments of baked earth—reflecting on itself and through itself, filtering the light.
— Guildenstern (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)