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Clan Claw



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Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:08 pm
Quote says...



Clan Claw - Inspired by: Demons and Wizards - Blood on my Hands

Days are long and strange when you walk with the city folk. It's like they're made of broken hearts and shattered dreams. Heads down, faces pale, children dead quiet. They're afraid. Truth to tell, they have everything in the world to fear. Why? It's like the old ones say, because as of a few centuries ago, it wasn't their world anymore.

Time slowed to an unfamiliar pace after the pains of the world crashed down. Hunger, thirst, cold, darkness, ignorance; sensations they thought were so far away in the decadence of Before. But now, huddled in burnt-out skyscrapers with the world crumbling around them, they have to remember. Have to survive. The Madness doesn't relent.

Me, I'm a Claw. Claws are not afraid. What a Claw does is fight the fights that are forgotten by everyone else. Win, lose, it doesn't matter. There's always another Claw to fill your place.

We live on the frontier. We watch. We wait. We're here on a mission the first Claw started, but couldn't complete in his time. City folk have mostly forgotten about us, but they don't need to know. It's probably better that they don't. This way they don't have to wrap their heads around the heartache and the butchery.

******


“We have blood all over our hands,” said James, staring at his palms like they were traitors.

The man opposite was sprawled on a bench like a drunkard, smoking. “We did what we were paid to do. No one can blame us for that.”

James grumbled. “They can blame us for choosing a career path in biomilitary... I still don't like it. The people should know, shouldn't they? What we did? Why it's all happening?”

The other shook his head. "They can't. They would never understand. We'd be the guys that invented the atom bomb. Except this atom bomb goes off in everyone's body."

James sighed.

The other man just shrugged. “The cover up will keep us safe. And there's no guarantee it will spread that much. They're quarantining. Just hope it doesn't get out that it was engineered, you should know full well how the media eats this kind of shit up.”

James nodded grimly. “Yeah... I guess. If all's well... In a few weeks, maybe months, they'll be back to reporting who had sex with who. Although, why that stuff is big news still escapes me!”

“Ha. That's not big news, James. Not unless you're involved.”

******


Clan Claw home is all over the border between the city and Hell. Hell is everywhere else. It's where every Claw is beaten until he's tough. It's where every Claw is weened on poison, moonshine and the milk of his mother's tits. And it's where every Claw fights the Madness. It's what we're born to do.

The Madness is always ready. Won't wait for you to catch your breath, won't wait for you to finish pissing, won't wait for you to wake up. You have to be prepared to fight it all the time, or know someone you trust to fight it for you.

If the Madness gets you, you're better off dead. You change. You're not human anymore, not where it counts.

Fighting the Madness is number one for a Claw. Self preservation is next on the agenda. And the only other thing a Claw needs to worry about is starting his own brood. Best if a Claw has more than ten kids. And he should hope to have at least five left after training's done. Doesn't matter what kind of parts they have... Claws are always men, even the women.

******


James waded through an ocean of questions and microphones.

"Tell us how the plague is spread!"

“No comment,” said James under his breath.

“Can you explain the symptoms of the plague, sir?”

"Why are all these people... going mad?"

“No comment!”

He ducked into the limousine and heaved a sigh.

His good friend had already filled the cabin with smoke. “Well at least they don't know the full story. Right now everything's under control.”

James rubbed his temples. “I don't know how this can get much worse.”

His friend just shrugged. “The company will go down, that's for sure. But chances are the money will go all over in payouts before they even think about correcting this mess. Get in fast and set yourself up for the rest of your life. That's what I'm doing.”

James shook his head sadly, going over the work they had done in his mind for what seemed like the millionth time. Then, teary, he regarded the indifferent smoker anew. “It was supposed to help people. A revolution in evolution. That was the slogan wasn't it? This isn't what we wanted. It isn't what anyone wanted... Where did we go wrong?”

The man opposite him glanced to the floor of the car darkly. He exhaled long and hard, his smoky breath rising in wafts and tendrils. There was a long silence before he spoke, and when he did his voice was a cracked and woeful whisper.

“I don't know.”

******


When sentry smoke rises, you know they've arrived. That's if you don't hear the phantom howls or the screaming first. Sometimes they attack hard in one place, other times they attack hard from all directions. All the time, we're there to say hello. And Claw greeting cards usually involve a lot of hot shrapnel.

******


James thrust a newspaper in his friend's face. “Quarantine failed. Big time.”

The other man, who had been holding a cup of coffee, just stared at the paper... And coffee spilled all over the good table.

******


When the fight finally comes, they come running at full pelt, faster than any sane man. The Madness shrugs off every limitation.

Look around the battlefield and you see bleak, vacuous eyes full of lust and violence. Relentless butchery. Endless energy. And that's just what Claws are made of.

That says nothing of the Madness, the Madness is much worse. Live on the frontier and you'll see sights beyond reckoning. Things no one should see.

Lots of Claws perish in battle. But we keep breeding. Always more to rise back up. It's all a part of the great circle of stabbity death.

******


James could see his friend. He was talking on the phone, and it looked important. But James couldn't hear a word. He just kept working.

His friend stole subtle glances at James, whispering into the handset. “... I'm worried about him. Lately he has been talking about leaving, and the plague's only getting worse out there. Yes... Yes, I know. He has been attending all kinds of crap: military training, martial arts classes, gym sessions. Yeah. He used to be such a weedy nerd, now he's gone nuts. It's the guilt...”

A few moments later, he finished his conversation and sauntered lazily over to James.

James glanced up, cigar poking out one side of his teeth. His face was touched with intensity. “Ahh, good! I'm glad you're here, I have something to show you.”

His friend looked quizzically at the object on James' work bench. “What is it?”

James grinned dementedly. “I call it the Claw. It's one of the most advanced robotic exoskeletons ever built for the purposes of wanton destruction. That we know of, anyway.”

It was a large arm. Maybe not the most sophisticated or classy looking thing. But definitely dangerous. It was like a mountain of blades, reminiscent of a cross between a limb, a drill bit, and the god of all blenders.

His friend squinted. “Going back to a career in mechatronics I see. What's it for?”

James began strapping the Claw on, flipping various switches and tickling the tops of buttons along its length. “Well... Remember how they sidelined me after I couldn't produce the vaccine they wanted? How they wouldn't agree to killing them while there was still time?”

His friend nodded solemnly, eyes lingering on the Claw as it began to writhe in destructive patterns. A wind blew up in the laboratory, sending papers flying.

“I used my company payout... This-” James said over the steadily increasing mechanical noise, hefting the Claw up and biting hard on his smoking cigar, “-is my vaccine.”

******


Claw fables are spoken down through the ages. The old ones say we're here on a mission the first Claw started, but couldn't complete in his time. That, and generations of inbreeding, are the reasons we're here. The first Claw trained his sons in the ways of war and manliness. Then they trained their sons, and every generation since has learned from and built on the previous one.

Killing off the Madness isn't just our mission and our birthright, it's the only way left to live that's worth living. And I tell you, killing these Things when you're a bit drunk is a lot like that place the older Claws talk about. Paradise. Heaven. It's the closest Clan Claw will ever get.

After we do battle against the Madness, we scream the first Claw's sacred name to make them afraid. There's a prophecy that says one day they'll come at us in an enormous final battle, and all of Clan Claw will stand on the horizon and scream the name. They'll see us silhouetted on a bloody sky; watching, waiting, and that day will be different. That day they won't change nobody, they'll just flee like frightened dogs.

It's said we'll kill them all that day, when the Madness finally turns to Fear. And our mission, the first Claw's mission, will finally be complete.
Last edited by Quote on Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:01 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still."
- Arthur Rimbuad
  





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Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:30 pm
Jetpack says...



Welcome to YWS, Quote. Nice username, by the way. I'm Jet, here to review this for you. I was going to nitpick, but your grammar's pretty much spot on, so I'll stick to some general points.

Firstly, I really enjoyed this. It's unique, and kept me hooked for the most part. The difficulty I had was in understanding what you were talking about, especially at the beginning, because of the jerky structure. I had to read twice, to be honest, because James' story and the Claw's didn't really come together until the very end, and up to that point it was like reading two completely separate stories and attempting to forge a link between them. A possible solution to this is simply hinting a bit earlier, e.g. when James is forcing his way through the crowd of interviewers, include a question that actually refers to the plague as the Madness.

Occasionally, the Claw's short sentences get the better of me; it can be repetitive, reading so many sentences with the same structure consecutively. However, it usually works, and is in sharp contrast to the other plot thread. Another way of bringing the two together would be to expand slightly on James' burgeoning insanity towards the end of the story, so that we can reconcile his vision at that point with the world of war the Claw describes.

I could talk about all the different phrases I liked here, but I'll just mention a few. The assertion that "Claws are always men, even the women" was very powerful. The anonymity of James' friend was a good decision and though I had my doubts at the beginning, it served to alienate James further at the end. The image of coffee spilling "all over the good table" struck a chord, too. As I said, this was an excellent piece. I look forward to reading more of your work here.

- Jet.
  





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Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:29 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Incredible. I'm a tad disappointed to find that this story is over so soon. I realize that you can't really write more for it; it'd be a bleak story to read, more likely an idea that should be turned into a game or movie.

I liked the two stories, but as Jet mentioned, it was sort of hard to see how the two sides connected. It was fascinating to me when I realized what was going on, how the two story-lines were decades, maybe centuries apart. I know you'd be giving too much away by dating each side. . . and I can't think of another way of making it clearer, I just fear that if a reader blinks whilst reading a certain paragraph, or can't make the connections themselves, they'll entirely miss the whole story.

I believe while you can't add anything more to the end, I really think that this story would be utterly fantastic as an elaborated novel. Each part could be extended; how James' is involved with developing the virus and how the military administrate it to the people; why the cities are so ruined; more on how Clan Claw lived; did each Claw individual obtain a claw somehow?

You obviously have plenty of potential, and I really enjoyed reading this :)

-JaI
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:09 am
Prosithion says...



I really liked this. It's very well written, and keeps the reader interested. I can only assume from this story that we're dealing with zombies. I love zombie stories, and since this is revolving around a man made bio-weapon, it reminds me of the Resident Evil series.

The constant back and forth present/ past thing is a little awkward. It kind of gives the story a chopped up feel. Maybe make each part a little longer, so there is more stuff in between each shift.

I take it that James is the first claw? Well done.

Grammatically, there were very few mistakes, and the story itself, other then the chopped back and forth, seemed to flow nicely. You introduced just enough information at a time to keep the reader interested. I'm liking this already.

As a point of curiosity, what time period is this in?

Other then that, I can't really make any other complaints. The story was well written, and it was entertaining.

I hope there is to be more of this, cause I want more!

Cheers,
Pros
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:04 pm
Nate says...



I liked the story, and it's well-written but needs polishing up.

Firstly, the back and forth between the future and present didn't really work. It's very disjointed, and just interrupts the flow of the story. If you're going to do something like that, then each section needs to be significantly longer. Right now, you switch back and forth so much that it's dizzying.

It's like they're made of broken hearts and shattered dreams. Heads down, faces pale, children dead quiet.

This is redundant. Get rid of the first sentence, keep the second. In the first, you're telling us, but in the second you're showing us.

The first Claw trained his sons in the ways of war and manliness.

Whenever someone says "manly" or "manliness" it usually means that it's not manly at all, and that's how it comes off here. I'd just chop off the "and manliness" part; it's not necessary and comes off as silly.

What you have here is a very good story, and it's an interesting story to boot. You should continue developing it.
  








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