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Young Writers Society


Instructive Guides to Not Surviving in the World



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Points: 864
Reviews: 6
Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:07 am
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TommySneak says...



This is a format commonly used on my favorite humor site, Cracked.com, in where a columnist comes up with a scenario for one unlucky participant (usually the reader, but sometimes just a nameless ragdoll), and the writer must mislead the subject as stupidly far away from any conclusion as possible. I recently saw a thread wondering why comedy wasn't as frequent on the forums as many other styles of writing, so I wanted to try my hand at it, and see what you guys could come up with. If you do try it, there are NO RULES, except those mandated by Nate and his goons (though I haven't read up on those in a while). The following is for a more mature audience. 16 and up, shall we say?

Spoiler! :
If you're offened by CRUDE HUMOR, then this probably isn't for you!


So, you’ve gotten yourself into a pickle, eh. Just like you.

What the- what are you- who ar-

Quit blabberin’ woman. I’m your conscience.

Aww, hell yeah, no way-

No, I’m just screwing with you. I’m a disembodied voice who happened to stumble upon you in a dire time of your life. Do you see that train?

What train?

That one. The one with the lights and the steel and lots of velocity.

No. Ye- YES! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YES! WHADOIDO?

Nothing?

WHAT?!

No, I think I’ve got everything I need here, unless you feel like getting lunchmeat, but that’s up to y-

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO NOW?

Well, I was talking to my mom who was getting ready to go shopping, but now I guess I won’t be getting smoked turkey breast, will I? Prick…

WHAT ABOUT THE TRAIN!

Oh, right. That. Do you have an umbrella?

WHAT IS- ARE YOU- GAHHH!

Calm down, sugar tits, it’s just water.

You’re great help, y’know?

Really? I don’t get that often. Thank you, wait, what are you doing with that, no man, NO DON’T PULL THE TRIGGER!

Why? Why the hell should I listen to you?

Because I’ll get you through this alive. Is there a cardboard box around?

Yes, there’s one right here.

Climb in.

Okay.

Now stay absolutely still. If you don’t move, the train wont see you and quantum mechanics will allow it to pass through you harmlessly.

I HOPE YOU D- hey, what is this tingly feeling?

That’s called turning into septillions of particles. Feels great, don’it?

Yeah, a little bit.

Has the train passed?

Yeah! Seems you’re more help th- HOLY SMOKES, WHY AM I WOMAN NOW?

Whatever do you mean, disgruntled squish sack?

I have a- the- and the- are these-. WHY DO I HAVE LADY PARTS?

You’ve transcended, feeble mortal.

WELL UNTRANSCEND ME!

Nope!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Not until I get my smoked turkey breasts. Thinly sliced.

Oh my God. You are a psychopath.

I just saved your hide. That clearly proves I am in fact only mildly insane.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

HEY! Watch your language, asswipe.

But you just-

Never mind what “I just”. And quit fondling yourself, people are watching.

BUH- WUH? WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE?!

First of all, quit yellin’, LungsMcGee, you don’t get people to do what you want that way. Secondly, this isn’t your house. This is the Playboy Mansion. That wrinkly sack you're gyrating on top of...

Oh god…

Yep.

There’s a special place in hell for you!

You don’t say? But I can get you out of this. Watch this pen.

What pen?

This one.

OW! Did you have to throw it at me.

My amusement was dying.

OH, YES, YOU’RE SUCH A CLOWN, A FREAKIN’ COMEDIAN, I-

If you don’t stop yelling, I’ll just help Martha Stewart out of jail again. I got planz broseph. You don’t own me.

Fine.

Now take the pen.

I did.

Notice how you’re holding it.

HOLY SH- YOU SAID IT WAS- I mean, you said this was a pen!

It is, click it.

Why does it shoot bullets?!

Because it’s a gun, stupid. Have you never seen one before?

Listen, what do you want from me. I’ll do anything you ask, just PLEASE, turn everything back to normal and leave me the hell alone.

Good. You’re learning. Pleading is also a great way to get a job. Has he noticed you are now armed?

No, he’s asleep, but he’s still in-

Perfect. Now press it against his face and pull the string.

Are you su-

DO IT, DAMMIT!

You rotten sonofa-

OH MAN, that’s rich. You should’ve seen your womanly face, you thought I wanted you to kill him. YOU’RE GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE CRIMINAL INVESTIGATOR!

Our father, thou art in heaven-

What are you praying for?

To end this.

Pfft, buddy, who do you think I am?

No. No! NO!

Yep! I’m BUDDHA! HAHA, no, I ran into some creepy tribal kid in Nepal, haven’t really been in my body from 200 or so years now. By the way, the doctors are trying to revive you in the ICU.

Wait, what? Why?

Maybe because you got hit by a train, dumbass?

HUH?!

Quantum mechanics my left alligator steroids. You’re a gullible idiot and you know it.

How am I doing?

You’re losing an assload of blood. Literally. Your entire lower body was cut off.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?

Do you happen to know any Nepalese children?
They observe me operating my automobile, they are prejudiced. -Aristotle
  





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Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:26 am
LadySpark says...



No. I did once, but then... they died. It was sad.

GRAB THAT GRENADE.


*I hope to God I did that right.*
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:16 pm
AlfredSymon says...



This is very confusing, eh?
Need some feed? Then read some! Take a look at today's Squills at In the News.

The Tatterdemalion takes a tattle!

"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"
  





User avatar
355 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2099
Reviews: 355
Fri Mar 30, 2012 2:45 pm
LadySpark says...



alfredsymon wrote:This is very confusing, eh?


seems pretty straight forward to me.... :P
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  








I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye