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Rate the scene above you



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Fri May 29, 2009 1:59 pm
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WaterVyper says...



Put a small scene from what you're writing, nothing much, and see what everyone thinks of it. it goes like the first sentence, idea, and title threads. This one acts like a sort of teaser for what you're planning. So, let's see how this goes.

Zeus glared at his siblings. Demeter, Hestia, Poseidon, Hades, and Hera glared right back. The other Olympians decided, quite wisely, to stay out of it. Apollo shared a knowing look with his twin, and watching with interest was Hermes. He had never actually seen the original gods in one of their spats. Thankfully, the Roman and Egyptian delegates were outside. The Greeks would never get over it if they were found squabbling among themselves like mortals.

"I am the King of Olympus!" Zeus thundered. "You cannot challenge me."

"You may be the king, but may we remind you that you were ugly enough to be mistaken for a rock," Hades said. "A rock."

Zeus bristled. "It's not as if Mother tried that with any of you. He would've done the same thing."

Hera snickered. "Zeus dear, she tried that with me and Poseidon. It didn't work. He found and ate us." Hades and Poseidon snickered, Hestia looked smug, and Demeter just offered Hera a warm smile. "That shows that we're prettier than you are."

It was Poseidon's turn. "I am not pretty."

"I never said you were," Hera said pointedly. "I just said that Zeus was, like Hades said, ugly enough to be mistaken for a rock. Even you don't look that bad. At least we know that we're better looking than the King of Olympus. That has to count for something."

"And may we remind you," Hades added, "that we are all older than you are, little brother."

Poseidon smirked. "Right you are, Hades. You know, I wish Mother Rhea showed us some of his baby mosaics. We could have teased him for it."

"Enough!" Zeus roared. "That's enough from all of you!"

"Baby brother," Hestia said, a sweet smile on her face, "you shouldn't speak to us like that. Now, go to your room and think about what you've done. You can come out in an hour and apologize to your big brothers and sisters like a good little boy."

Hermes, Hephaestus, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Aphrodite, and Dionysius stifled the laughs that threatened to rip from their throats. The look on Zeus' face made it all worthwhile.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
  





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Fri May 29, 2009 2:44 pm
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Twit says...



7/10

LOL, quite funny. The immaturity of the gods was good, although perhaps a touch over the top. The listing of names at the beginning ("Demeter, Hestia, Poseidon, Hades, and Hera glared right back) and the at the end ("Hermes, Hephaestus, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Aphrodite, and Dionysius stifled the laughs") was very awkward, and sounds as though you're just throwing names about to sound classical. "The other gods" or whatever would be better.

-

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making stories inside stories," the Raven replied placidly. The chalk squeaked down the wall, and she shivered slightly.

"Don't be silly," Mistress said. "And stop messing up the wall. You'll get him angry."

"Stories," the Raven repeated. "Everything's a story."

"This is silly!" Mistress looked at the scrawled writing covering the whitewashed walls. "'This is the tale of the Raven who dazzled the world and MI5 and still managed to get home in time for tea...' That's nonsense!" She pulled a ringlet over her shoulder and began to tug at it distractedly, biting her lip until it was far redder than paint could ever make it.

The Raven rubbed her forehead, leaving a white smear of chalk. "All stories," she said in a lilting voice. "It's all just a story. I'm in a story, making stories. Mistress is a story. Mister Vampire is a story." She started on a new section of wall.

"Owrk?" The gargoyle said.

"I agree," said the Raven. "Don't you agree, Mister Vampire?"

"Slurp." said Mister Vampire. "I like maidens. Slurp, slurp, slurpitty, slurp."


Mistress fiddled with the ribbons on her bonnet. The Raven looked at her, faintly patronising. "I'm in love," she carolled suddenly, "with a fairytale!"

(mistakes in the italics are intentional)
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:29 pm
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BlueKangaroo says...



9/10. It made me laugh! I love the Raven's idea of a story. :D I think I'll have to find this and read more.
----

"July 23, 1991 – May 12, 2009." Those were my birth and death dates, and my pictures on the screen. There was my voice. "I was born four months premature, with many health problems, and survived against all odds. Today, I died. Not from a medical crisis, but because someone else chose to drink and drive. Because of their decision, my life was ended. I have the best parents that anyone could want, but I will never get to do so many of the things that we wanted to do together. I loved to write, and my second-grade teacher always told me that she would look for my books on the shelf at Borders one day. Now she will never see them. I will never work with the FBI or Department of Defense, or travel around the world. I loved helping and serving others, and dreamed of making a difference. Someone will have that impact, but it won't be me. Everyone has hopes, plans, and dreams, even some that they haven't discovered yet. I will never find out what mine might have been."

-From "Every Fifteen Minutes", a first-hand account of the consequences of drunk driving.

.
  





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Wed Aug 08, 2012 8:50 am
OokamiKitsune says...



It had me thinking of things I really want to do. It's a little sad but very level headed :)

Here is what I have, these ************************ mean the point of view has changed to a different person, it usually goes back a little in time.

Leila’s eyes searched for the closest way off the ship, no way was she swimming the 200 yards to shore. What her eyes sought desperately to find and finally landed sights on was a small boat. Brac caught the sword another pirate through at him and tightened him grip on Leila’s wrist.

“Let go.” She lightly spoke. Brac simply grinned as more arrows flew passed them, one catching his lower thigh. “You need both hands to fight. I’m only in your way.” She said, a little more forcefully this time and glared at him. Brac’s eyes seemed to scan over her entire body, causing heat to creep up her neck and rest in her cheeks and among other places. He slowly released his grip on her just in time to turn and attack one of the assassins, possibly a navy soldier, but he wasn’t worried about it at the moment as he dug his rapier into the man’s lung and back out.

"Captain!" the largest pirate yelled throwing a red coat to him. Brac caught it, in the middle of all the chaos put it on and ran to the lower desk. "What are we after sir?" the man asked following behind with his back to Brac and sword up.

"Maps, my good friends. We're here for maps." Brac said enthusiastically as he kicked each door open and checked inside.

“Captain! Here” the larger man said with a boot in one of the doors. Brac poked his head throw the door.

“Good work Zhan.” As Brac searched for a specific map in the piles of sheets the sound of metal connecting rang from the hall. A sound so familiar to him he recognized it right away. He grabbed one of the maps, unrolled it half way and grinned.

“Time to get going Zhan!” Brac slipped passed his crew mate and back to the top deck. Zhan followed after knocking the navy member out.
And what a sight they saw!

************************

Leila Watched Brac kill the a navy officer right in front of her. He large man yelled and Brac ran off. She ran and slid under a table for cover.

"I need to find Simon." as she talked to herself, a man slide atop the table and landed on the far side covered with the tablecloth. Leila screamed quietly and quickly covered her mouth.

She couldn't help but feel excited, she was in the middle of the sea with pirates- actual PIRATES. Her heart beat so very fast and didn't to leave but knew that assassins would not flee until they killed their target(s). Maybe she was the target, only if she was lucky.

"There was a small boat on the side when I came down. It should still be there." Leila ran across the side of the room to the great doors.
'Almost.' she saw an opening to the edge of the ship and ran straight for it, more like aiming past it but it didn't really matter as long as no one saw her or hit her. She grasp the ships side railing, almost falling overboard.
'Save for now.' her heart would not stop pounding, it was so... so... awesome, yes in proper but accurate. Not only pirates but assassins and she didn't have to dance with all the stupid men her father invited.

She gathered her dress into one hand and jumped into the icy waters below. It might have help if she remembered she couldn't swim before taking her life 'saving' plunge.

************************

Brac couldn't believe it a girl had jumped over the ship's side. Logically it was smart but he didn't know any women that could swim- except pirate women but she was definitely not fit for a pirates life. Well she might had made it to his small row boat that was over there but he doubted it.

"Captain we got the stuff." a short guy said, he resembled a toad in a lot of ways.

"Good then while the navy is fighting assassins we should leave. The six pirates found their way to the row boat and started away from the navy ship.
Brac started removing his clothing.

"Sir we got clothes on board if ya'd wait." Brac grinned as he removed his boats and stood.

"Good then I wont be wet when I catch up." his smiling face vanished as he dove into the icy sea.
Every hello is the prologue to the knowing farewell, so make as many stories as you can:)
  








It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl