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Young Writers Society


Rate the first sentence above you



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472 Reviews



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Thu Mar 24, 2016 7:31 pm
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Lightsong says...



@Holysocks: It's actually two. Stone maker refers to River. ._.

6/10. I would give the sentence a seven if not because of the 'for the first time that day'. That part can be cut out so that the meaning is more direct. I like how the consequence of the event is doing a normal activity to witnessing something not quite normal. I have my worry that it's not going to be interesting at the starter part.

---

The tiger appeared again, this time closer to me.
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





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Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:24 pm
Rosendorn says...



5/10

Like the same critique you gave me, it feels plucked from the middle of a scene. "Again" is your culprit, here, because I feel like if the tiger's presence was so important you note it a second time, why didn't you start with the first?

--

People call me Jasmine Ghost.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:38 pm
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Vervain says...



6/10 I'm a little torn on this one—I enjoy the simplicity and the narrative voice we get from the character, first of all. I'll put that on the table. But at the same time, it reminds me too much of everything that starts "Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way", and while I don't want to feel that way about a project, it makes me hesitate to read on. Not a make-or-break first line, but definitely one that would need to be backed up by strong following paragraphs.

- - -

The sun splashed off the stones of the liwan hall like liquid gold.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Mon Mar 28, 2016 5:02 pm
Lightsong says...



(It seems like my critique is turned against me -_-)

5/10

I... am not sure. Some of me is intrigued on what liwan means but the other argues about starting a novel with a rather uncommon word. At least it is uncommon to non-native English speaker like me, anyway. Right now, it seems like a scenery description, which I think won't tell us as much as we'd like to get engaged in the story, but maybe if I know what liwan means I'll get some sense of what the story is about.

---

The sight of a handsome man in front of him, so focus on arranging the books in the shelves, distracted Haz from meeting the person he needed for the job.
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





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Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:22 pm
Holysocks says...



I'm not going to rate it because I'm a rebel and I think numbers are dumb. If you want a number though, you can let me know.

I feel like it jumps around too much, making it confusing. If you take out "so focus on arranging the books in the shelves" and leave the sentence as "The sight of a handsome man in front of him, distracted Haz from meeting the person he needed for the job." It's a little bit more clear and to the point- which I think is very important when you're trying grasp someone's attention. You can explain that the man was focused on arranging the books, after, when we kind of have a picture in our mind. The thing is, when a story starts out, we're trying to project a picture that wasn't there before, so it can be confusing to the reader if there's too much at first - in my opinion. But if you keep it simple, I think it'll have a greater impact. I'm explaining this horribly.

Anyway, I like that this character is distracted/frazzled by this so-called handsome fellow, because it seems like something that would actually happen! XP

--

Julie was flapping her gums, and I'd never wanted to jump off a cliff more.
100% autistic
  





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Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:44 pm
Satira says...



hm, I'm not much of a numbers-rater either...
The sentence definitely intrigues me because the expression 'flapping her gums' is sort of funny and makes me think of a dog's jowls. the 'jump off a cliff' part makes me wonder what's so bad about Julie, which is good, but I would watch it because it's bit of a cliche.

--

“‘Gods, I could eat you right now,” he muses. “ You’d probably taste a little stringy, no offense.... Naz, would you mind if I ate you?”
"if only, if only,"
the woodpecker sighed,
"the bark on the trees
were as soft as the skies."
  





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Tue Apr 05, 2016 3:03 am
Vervain says...



4/10. While it's certainly a catching sort of hook, it could easily come off as overplayed tension to catch the reader, especially if it's not backed up by strong following paragraphs. Not to mention, it doesn't really give the reader a good idea of the world, conflict, voice, or characterization, so as a hook, it's lacking a lot substance-wise that would have to be picked up pretty quick.

- - -

Thirteen years ago, Mavon would have laughed at the thought of homesickness.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Tue Apr 05, 2016 3:15 am
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CowLogic says...



3/10
Thirteen years is a long time and would logically carry with it vast evolution in the psyche. This sentence does not inspire interest.

----

Thirty years ago, Johnny would have looked a little bit prettier and less wrinkly.
The course skin of a thousand elephants sewn together to make one leather wallet.
  





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Tue Apr 05, 2016 9:48 pm
Vervain says...



2/10 purely uninspiring. What a waste of talent.
<3 (10/10 made me smile)

- - -

Thirteen years ago, Mavon would have laughed at the thought of homesickness.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Sat Apr 23, 2016 7:24 pm
Rosendorn says...



7.5-8/10. I feel rather intrigued by the exactness of it, but it needs a really strong paragraph to continue the hook.



Marks chose people that lacked faith, and that was most certainly not her.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Tue Apr 26, 2016 4:21 am
Lightsong says...



8/10.

I like it. Very intriguing indeed, because it's something about religion or spiritual thing, which I'm always glad to explore, and something else magical/supernatural-ish with the use of 'mark'. The sentence delivers something contradictory, in that I know marks don't choose people who lack faith, but still the author needs to clarify it's not 'her', which just tells me she's going to have something to do with the mark. >.> My only suggestion would be to give us a name instead.

--

Vien walked to to her house in a hurry, her navy cloak fluttering behind.
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





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Sun May 01, 2016 11:45 pm
LittleFox says...



7/10

I like the bit of mystery and suspense. The character has an unusual name, and the fact that she is wearing a cloak makes me think there may be elements of fantasy. I would definitely read on to see why she is hurrying.

---

The day started with rain, a rare and auspicious event in the city of Ashan that brought children out of their homes to stare up into the sky, and made it increasingly difficult for the old merchant to chase after me through the muddy streets.
"What's 'taters, Precious?"
  





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Wed May 04, 2016 3:57 pm
Charm says...



9/10

I really love it! I love descriptive first sentences and this one is awesome. It really makes me want to read more. :smt003

"By the end of May, when the flowers were in full bloom and the fruit on the orange trees were perfectly ripe, Poet hopped onto a train."
  





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Fri May 06, 2016 3:17 am
Vervain says...



6/10. While there's a hint of voice in this sentence, it doesn't really give us a grasp of the world, conflict, or character, and I find the imagery doesn't evoke a real emotion in me. I don't have a reason to care about Poet, and my first emotional reaction is "really? Poet?" because oftentimes I find that "odd" or "wacky" names like that are used in YA fiction as a way to signal a character is "out of touch with society" and "rebellious" or whatever.

Also, just a side note from someone who knows oranges, they aren't really "perfectly ripe" in late May (depending on what kind of orange you're talking about). In fact, most orange cultivars are out of season by the end of April and so would be overripe and rotting in late May.

- - -

The crows are watching you again.
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Sun May 29, 2016 7:50 pm
Ljungtroll says...



8/10
It makes me shiver. Pleasurably creepy, but slightly vague. My only criteria is that it addresses the second person....I think I know where you're coming from, but I might change it to first or third person.
----
Cedric hurried down the corridor, eyes searching wildly for the thing, even though he knew would not be there.
"The artist deals with what cannot be said in words. The artist whose medium is fiction does this in words. The novelist says in words what cannot be said in words." --Ursula K. Le Guin

Formerly RavenLord, formerly GrandWild
she/her
  








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