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Young Writers Society


Rate the first sentence above you



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Tue Jan 01, 2019 11:17 am
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TheDepressedCat says...



Very poetic. Maybe not the first sentence in a poem, but maybe the second or the third part of the poem.
Makes you feel that the person it was written about was very lonely. 7/10.

"Are you kidding?" He said, looking utterly confused, while Peter was completely calm and simply said:
"Yes, I brought an elephant."
  





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Sun Jan 17, 2021 3:12 am
NateAtNight says...



That's hilarious dialogue. Now I'm wondering what your story is about.
9/10
I'm not terribly attached to my sentence, and figure I can do something way more eye catching. Please help!
"He quietly walks up on stage, the guy that will be introducing the new president of America."
NateAtNight
he / him
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Fri Mar 26, 2021 6:03 am
Shady says...



7/10 -- love the concept, but would love to get more about the character with mannerisms or something to give me a connection to him.

Jerica leaned over the castle wall, loosing an arrow directly into the face of the Nykerian soldier climbing up the ladder in front of her.

"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus
"From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf
"A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni
[they/he]
  





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Tue Mar 29, 2022 3:49 am
WeepingWisteria says...



Solid 9/10. Excellent use of proper archery terms, Shady! It feels like a chase scene, which adds stakes. Overall, good job!
-
Tonight, I was finally going to kill that guard.
She/They/Fae

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Mon May 23, 2022 7:31 am
Liminality says...



8/10 -- @AlmostImmortal I like that it's short and sweet and immediately draws you into the character's goal and intention. Would be nice to have more of a sense of place, time.

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It was one of their good days, after the rain, when the jetty was covered in shining pools like mirrors and it felt like nothing could disturb them.
she/her

.
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Mon May 23, 2022 9:45 am
NewHope says...



9/10. @Liminality Obviously some of this could be better explained if I had more context but I throughly enjoyed the description. I can feel some real power behind some of the words. I’m sure not sure at this point what’s so important about them.

Gutters filled with racing brown bullets of water, small puddles trundling into the ditches below. Ditches that soon flowed with streams of skipping raindrops that were captured by the rumbling old rivers that flooded roads and tipped over cars, cracking bridges as it tumbled downstream. Water roaring as it tumbled out the river’s bearded mouth. The ocean threw a tantrum of caterwauling streams of waves, beating its fits against the old black rocks.
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Sat Jul 30, 2022 11:45 pm
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Omni says...



5/10 @Moonglade honestly this seems like description dump, and makes it hard to read and digest properly. This is a paragraph more than one sentence and I think that adds the difficulty on absorbing what you're wanting to convey here. I do like your last line, though.

"The ocean threw a tantrum of caterwauling streams of waves, beating its fists against the old black rocks." <-- honestly, this is all you need to make an impact with your words. The rest of the paragraph is a bunch of flowery but hollow language.

---

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