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Young Writers Society


Rate the first sentence above you



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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:23 pm
Calligraphy says...



5/10

Though true the type of sentence is very overused and it reminds me of a flair on facebook.

No new thought is really new.
  





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Points: 300
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Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:01 pm
davischen says...



6/10

Somewhat interested in the 'thought', but I feel it is too plain to be an opening.

I love human.
Come, read and comment on this book - Wizard, at http://bookmato.com/BookFolder/BookTitlePage/Book5.aspx
  





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37 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1510
Reviews: 37
Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:28 am
smashles says...



8/10. Grabs your attention right away ;)

Most of the invitees were blissfully unaware of the scandal taking place at the wedding.
We all have moments of desperation, but if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are. - Mary-Alice Young, Desperate Housewives
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:50 pm
Calligraphy says...



8/9

I don't like the word 'invitees' 'guests' just sounds way more natural. I would love this to have some more description and be less straight forward.
  





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27 Reviews



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Points: 2380
Reviews: 27
Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:49 pm
NYCnightowl007 says...



Calligraphy didn't put one, so:

It didn't end the way it started.
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City
  





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25 Reviews



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Points: 2977
Reviews: 25
Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:44 pm
cannoncomplex says...



6.9/10

I've seen that type of opening but the way you wrote it seemed intriguing.

here's mine:

After I finished Gottermann’s Concerto No. 1, I took the wooden arm and inserted it inside the mouth of my mannequin, in the posture of a Cello.
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.
  





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100 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6748
Reviews: 100
Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:53 am
Idraax says...



10/10
I'm going to go read this tomorrow. I'm too tired to read it today.
Here's mine:
The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet shocking his feet.
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:15 pm
Calligraphy says...



100/10

reminds me that I still have to read the rest and that sentence has just always been my favorite. XD well after I read it of course. It has tons of imagery and it captures me.

Again only one thought was running through her head, pain.
  





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36 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2140
Reviews: 36
Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:06 pm
Wolfdaemon says...



9/10!
It captures my attention and it sounds like not only something I would read but something I would write lol.

"Sissy, there's someone in the house."
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
http://dragcave.net/user/Roma-Gypsy
^ you should so click this.... :)
  





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84 Reviews



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Points: 5736
Reviews: 84
Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:27 pm
fictionfanatic says...



9/10. Makes me think of a small child and a murder mystery.

Mine:
My fingers, flaming red, burned in agony from the cold wind that wound around my body
Live, Love, Laugh
  





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1087 Reviews



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Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:00 pm
Sins says...



7/10

I liked the imagery you created, but I'm not awfully keen on openings that begin with descriptions. It looks pretty interesting though. :)

(I'm aware that this isn't just one line... but there's only an extra 3... xD)

Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter. That rainy October night, he told me that I had to run; running would stop my mind from crashing. Austin lied.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:28 pm
Calligraphy says...



9/10 loved it all except for the rainy October night part it just seemed, I don't know, out of place.

And because you did I am going to do two sentences (this is from the short story I am writing to submit to the YWS newsletter. It is mostly just tongue and cheek humor.) :

When I swim in the pool Mom can’t make me take a bath, because I will get squeaky clean in the Doreen water. Doreen is my Grandma; I don’t think she can swim though.

A. S.
  





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1272 Reviews



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Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:07 am
Rosendorn says...



2/10 Far too vague. There's a bit of twist and conflict at the end, but it is so unrelated and makes me go "what in the world" too badly for me to really bother reading.

"I don't see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job."
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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297 Reviews



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Reviews: 297
Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:28 pm
Justagirl says...



6/10 it's ok. Is almost an attention grabber, but just a little to weak.
Here's mine:

I shoved my hands against the door, watching the long nails scratch my wrist, leaving thin lines of blood.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:01 am
TorahikoOoshima says...



7/10
Ehh... it's good, not remarkable, but good. It would certainly draw me in a bit. Better than anything that I could come up with definitely.

Well, here I go (I'm awful at grabbing people):
"Death's a b***h, especially when you have go through it about 5 times a day. But by now it had become a commonplace and mundane thing, much like brushing your teeth, checking your e-mail, or hearing about anorexic hotel heiresses on the news. "
Hajimari no yokan ni, soro soro to orotoki no, doki doki suru kimochi, wasurenai yo!
  








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