Young Writers Society

7/10
Seems like the character's coming out of a period of unconsciousness, so I'm curious as to how that came to be be, but the wording is a bit heavy, especially "conscious thoughts".

This is what you think, as you set yet another one of his victories on paper: if your life were a story, it would not be a very interesting one.

6/10. It was rather long, and I stumbled over it a few times. I enjoyed the part past the colon, but "as you set yet another one of his victories on paper" is a bit clumsy.

“I don’t see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job.”

8/10 - The speech definitely interests me and I'm interested to find out what's happening to this daughter, sounds like the speaker is almost being forced to give his daughter away or something? I don't know though, too early to tell with just the first sentence .


"Do you seriously think anyone would let us do that?"

8/10
I get this nice idea of two troublemakers about to get into even more trouble, or at least the sense that shenanigans are about to occur, which is always a good thing.

He is searching, always searching (empty hands and hollow eyes – where are you?)

I like this. It almost got cliched and then...it stopped. Very nice. (so...9/10?)
The world was melting, but not that thornbush—it sat stubbornly at the edge of the sidewalk, all brown and bristly and dead.

7.5/10. It's okay; not my favorite, but it would interest me enough to at least read the next few paragraphs.


Okay. I know this is sort of a fail, but here it is:
She let the wind pull her memories away with it.

thats isnt a fail! it really good

"Brooke you dont even wear makeup" "i do i wear nail polish!" "That so does not count" "yea it does its in my make up box"

3/10
More than one sentence, and riddled with errors =/

Eight years before her death, Ayumi walked somberly across the dew-soaked morning grass to a little clearing of trees.

9/10
I like it a lot. :3 The adjectives, etc., give really good imagery, but they're sort of cumbersome, and you have to reread the sentence to fully understand it. Maybe you could cut them down a little?

It was a bad part of town, a dangerous place for a girl like her to wander alone. And that, she knew, was the reason she went there.

10/10
I like it, it sets up the scenario, acts as a hook and gives us a bit of character development all at once.

The sun was rising over the moor. The horizon bled purple into the sky, then melted into pink, peach and gold before meeting the blaze of white gold sunlight.

8/10
It's a very nice description, and I love that the setting seems to be in the moors. However, there are a lot of adjectives, especially colors, to make it all feel a little clichéd. That being said, I'd still read on.

I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm.

9.5/10
I think it's pretty good! It made me want to continue reading the story.

Little snowflakes swirled around him as he silently trudged through the snow, his hands buried deep in his pockets. It had been years since it last snowed, he recalled.

8/10. I really liked it. It makes it seems tranquil and sad at the same time.

I opened my eyes to see white walls, and a doctor.

9/10

Cool! It's a great hook and I'd definitely read on. I don't know though, it's a little impersonal, which is why only the 9 and not a full 10. I'm not sure how you can rememdy that, though; it's very good as it is.

In the gloom of the Breeding Hut, the two humans eyed each other warily.

7/10
Well written, but you make it sound like we know "the two humans" when we have no idea what they are.

The night was hot, and wet...wait, that's humid.