Young Writers Society

7/10. I kinda like this. I'd read the rest of the paragraph. I'd like to know who they are...but it's, kinda vague about the scenery, but I'm guessing that you already have that in the next few sentences. Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't like to be.

The screams were back again tonight.

8/9.5
beautiful imagery. Nice. I really like it.

“Jesus Christ, it’s early,” I think bitterly as my perfect dream world is shattered by the radio edited version of “My Humps”.

6/10

It provides good insight to the character, but I'm not really compelled to read more.

Rayne had two choices: either she took the help offered her by the injured wild angel and risk torture, or she refused his help and prayed that the Differs coming after him would give her a chance to speak before shooting them both with bullets filled with enough chemicals to render an extinct blue whale brain-dead.

7/10

I like how it immediately throws a conflict at the reader, and the details it reveals about your world. I'd definitely want to read more, but whoa...it's a mouthful to digest. Took me two read-throughs to fully understand it. Cut it in two.

Am I the only normal person aboard this little tin can—sorry, I mean, Galactic Navy Starbase?

5/10

The attempt at humor seemed a little off, and I don't like the mention of a Starbase in the first sentence. For some reason, the sentence just sounded forced. Maybe the paragraph around it is better, but I'm just not feeling that particular line.

Exactly seven minutes before Julia Haverty died, she was forging her father’s signature.

9/10

I loved the conflict, the mystery and the precigion just makes the work come alive instead of dragging it down.

The splendour of the night dropped away as the door creaked open.

8/10. It gets me worried about what's behind the door.

And suddenly, she ceased to exist.

Um, 6/10. I'm interested, but how rather odd the sentence is (and the rather large "why" question behind it) pushes me away.

"Are there any assassins in the crowd, Kerani?"

8//10 Nice. I definitely want to know what these people are doing.

"Do you want to come with me and see the dragons this afternoon?"

7
- It's a bit odd, and you obviously need the rest of the context, but short and attention demanding.

"It was an iconic image - the clean white towel stained with the crystalline red blood."

2/10

Doesn't do anything for me. "An iconic image" ruins all conflict in the first line, and I didn't really have a reason to read on. The "2" is because in context it might be better, but once I'd read "iconic image" and the rest of the sentence loaded with adjectives ("crystalline" not fitting with "blood" in my opinion), I didn't really want to read on.

Hit the switch, we're ready.

8/10. Sounds like the beginning of an action-adventure novel, or something by Hunter S. Thompson hahaha. Not a bad start at all.
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The girl was on the television screen again, and this time Marty had a hard time taking his eyes off of her.

Mm, I actually like that a lot. It offers both conflict (why is this girl on television?) and some character insight (Marty not being able to take his eyes off of her). My only possible suggestion would be to be sure and explain why it she wasn't as interesting/attractive/whatever to look at the first time, because you say 'this time'. But that's being extremely picky.

All she wanted was a day off.

Um...I'll give this a 6.4. It doesnt explain enough for me. She is who? Wanted a day off from what? Little more description.

Mine:
People say that if there is a red sun it means that blood will be spilled.

Niiiice...I mean that. I don't know why, it just has that cool feel to it. 9/10.
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I stand here, alive and breathing, despite your will.