Young Writers Society

6/10. It's opening us up with setting detail, and while that's definitely interesting, there are a lot of adjectives slowing that sentence down.

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The stranger lurched in at half-past eight.

7/10 Though it has room for improvement, it is a strong start. Just a little nipick: why do we need to know it was half past eight? Why not just say eight? That read a little clunky to me. But it is still a solid start to your story and I think it works.

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I watched the Upsiders burn.

7/10 - This has me asking questions -- who or what are the Upsiders? Why are they burning? Why is the narrator watching them? -- but when it comes down to it, while it's a good sentence, you have to support it with the next couple of paragraphs. Not perfect, but good.

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Sir Lord Bastian,

I am afraid I must decline your offer of lodging in the summer months due to the unexpected death of my uncle.

8/10
Very well put together, nicely flowing. It just seems right. The problem I have is the draw for me to read the book isn't as strong as the last one, not until I really start thinking.
(I'm doing a revised version of the previous post, as this is a thing that I'm writing and really hope to nail, even though it's for practice. It's in third-person now because I haven't figured out which would make more sense to use.)

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Noah had seen the Upsiders burn.

Still a 7/10. Since I'm only looking at that one sentence, I don't know if having it in the third person would be better.

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His universe was small, about the size of a regular bedroom

8.5. A bit The Little Prince, don't you think? It does capture your attention, but not as much as it might, although i'd need more context to call that.

I was falling head over heels, my destination unknown, but I was not scared. I never was.

(I know it's more then a sentence. Let's call it a phrase, shall we? A beginning phrase)

5/10

Honestly, it's just too much in one sentence for me. You have three ideas in a single sentence and this is supposed to be a hook. It's just too much for me to process at once.

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I don't trust people without demons.

10/10 I like it. Just like that, we have a huge clue to what the character/narrator is like, and of course it's just an interesting statement. I love interesting statements.

***

( I have no idea what to put for mine D: )

How can you be sure that you're alive?

7/10. It's a interesting subject, and offers an interesting look at the introspective nature of the character. However, it sounds far too much like it's going to go off into a philosophical ramble, so it would kind of depend on what comes next.

Sophia's hands shook as she held the sword aloft, her uncertain stance betraying her incompetence to her "prisoner."

5/10. There's too much going on with the description, and it feels like an inner paragraph sentence was plucked to the beginning to create the in medias res. The "prisoner" in quotation marks serves to make the audience ask questions, but also feels kind of cheap in this presumably swords-and-sorcery setting.

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The stranger lurched in at half-past eight.

7/10
Feel like it could have been better. It's alright, I mean we wonder who this stranger is, but I feel like it could be better. It has much potential, haha.


~


"Are you sure you want to die?"

Ehhh I'm torn between a super high rating (8-9) and a very low rating (2-3). This line interests me, but it's relying almost completely on shock value to get my attention and it could unravel very fast.

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I stuff art in my underwear drawer just to keep it somewhere I remember to check back.

6/10 The phrasing is a little awkward for me, and while the visual is amusing, I would like to know whether or not the person did the art they keep there.

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Certain death never tasted so good.

7/10. It's catchy, it's dramatic -- but it's also a bit melodramatic, and I'm less inclined to read a story with a melodramatic voice/protagonist. It sounds like a line plucked out of the Bond series or something, honestly.

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On days when I don't write, the snow tastes like freedom.

5/10 Perhaps I need some context for this one, but I didn't really like it. There
wasn't anything wrong with it, other than the fact that it seems like a complete thought. Not a beginning one to a much larger story.

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When I was eight-years old I was told I would save the world, so I shot myself.