Young Writers Society

8.5/10

I really like that, actually. It instantly draws you into the story, makes you feel for the character, and makes you wonder what's going on. It makes dozens of scenarios, both good and bad, run through your head as to why he would be crying. Nicely done.

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I close my eyes and breathe.

7/10 Pretty stunning sentence, but I think it leans a bit on the lighter side. Maybe it needs more meat to it. For instance, it would be nice to know the context. And what precisely are you breathing in? How are you breathing?

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His cobalt blue eyes and ebony skin told stories that people from my generation would never understand.

9/10. Woah. This makes me really want to know more. The descriptions sort of intensify everything, and the second half of the sentence makes me want to know more. I would definitely read on.

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(Note: This is the beginning of the first post for the Rise of the Legion SB, and I'm sort of self-conscious about it. Thoughts?)

Hyperspace was strange.

I think it's a very fun and creative way to start a work 8/10!

The air smelled of salt and fish but Vivienne supposed that’s what ports smelled like…

Also can whoever rates this tag me (I want to get a notification)
Thanks

@Madwriter7 (also you could temporarily subscribe to the thread if you wanted to get a notif ) I think I would rate this sentence higher if we got a sense of Vivienne's character, world, voice, or conflict. Without that, it really doesn't work as a first-sentence hook. Other than that, I'd suggest brushing up on punctuation. 4/10.

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There's nothing more unnerving than being stared down by a dead guy.

Aaaark. You're the best at creating good hooks. Seriously. I want to read iiit. 10/10, it's short and simple, but it draws you in. It gives you a glimpse into the character's personality, which I like. It uses relatable language (er, not the being stared down by a dead guy part), and all in all, I really like it!

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"LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL RESIDENTS NOW PRESUMED DEAD," was what the headline read today.

7/10, I'm thinking. Kind of hard to rate, because I think it's an effective hook, but I feel like the wording's a little iffy. The "was what" is a bit jarring, so I think with some tweaking of the order/words you could have something really effective.

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Everyone knew that the house on the corner of Willis Street was haunted.

Are half rating acceptable like 6.5/10? If so, that is my rating. The idea behind the first sentence is one I have heard many times, like once upon a time, but is not in the cliche stage. The fact that everyone knows that a certain house is puzzling and is enough to interest me.
I admit the quote I am using is also nearing the cliche zone, mostly because it was the best way I could find to start my story.
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As we all grow up, we say and do things we regret.

5/10 - I never say things I regret. But more seriously, while this does raise my curiosity, it doesn't establish a character or a scene or a specific stage in life. It is too generic to be truly gripping.

Charlie never fancied himself an anarchist, but circumstances had a way of surprising him.

7/10
I like the feeling of the sentence, it is well structured with good vocabulary and a nice hook. It makes us ask questions about charlie and his situation. It is a bit of a cliche but only a bit, it is a good sentence.



Most doors opened to a sickening charred smell and a thick black blinding smoke that said all that needed to be said for it's inhabitants. (from my novel)

5/10, more or less. It's perfectly average, one of those books that I don't have to read but I might in my spare time. The book behind it might be good or horrible, but the sentence doesn't interest me enough that I absolutely have to find out. I'd like more on the setting and more from the narrative voice, at least.

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Liora never trusted her shadow—especially not when he was grinning at her.

The first part is pretty normal but by the end it's surprisingly creepy. The idea is just sort of sprung on the reader so you get the element of surprise. It didn't give me a heart attack so I'd say 9.5/10. Just because it's still a little bit of an overused idea in the beginning.

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"No. No! Run you fool otherwise the bear will get you."

3/10

It has drama but it's lacking the critical "why should I care" component.

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Nobody ever told Lilian what to do if the witch's mark chose her.

7/10.

Short and simple in structure, but has many layers ib meaning. Definitely intriguing, and would appeal to the fantasy fans. It's a bit sudden, though, as if this id plucked from the middle of the story.

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Having heard River’s success, Evelyn rode her horse to meet the stone maker.

5/10- I guess (just ignore the number).

EDIT: sorry about the 'interesting' word choice in this, I was on mobile so autocorrect had fun with me. Also typos.

You mention three characters in this very first sentence. Getting introduced to too many characters at first can be incredibly confusing, and sadly not very interesting because we don't know these people. It's like watching a group of people we don't know interact, while no one invites you in- sure, it can be interesting, but you feel very alone and out of place, possibly even awkward.

On the other hand, you make very clear what this story is going to be like, which is really cool I think, and it draws me in because that's that type of book I like.

I also feel like it's kind of out of the blue (a bit like what you said for Rosey's), some of that comes from us not being introduced to the characters I think. You mentioned the characters, but we have no idea who they are or why we should care.

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(Now I can't think of a first sentence xP)

Carli looked out her window for the first time that day, and to her astonishment there was a crater the size of a house in the front yard.