Young Writers Society

9/10. This sentence is absolutely intriguing. It makes me ask the question, "What does it mean?", and since I'm rather curious, it'll make me want to read more, whether or not in this world, people actually have different color blood or if its more of a metaphor. The first part of the sentence is a bit too causual and colloquial for my taste, though.

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I watched men, mutilated and bandaged, lifted into dirty tents, their dirty, bloodied faces wincing with frowning mouths, moaning each an expression of their own injury, together creating a symphony of pain and horror.

4/10
For some people this might do the trick, but for me it felt like you could have cut a large portion of it out and gotten the same information across. Readers never like it when you waste their time.

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I have a theory, and it goes like this: the best monsters hide in the daylight.

9/10
Whoa! Ominous, I want to turn around and look over my shoulder.

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The bathroom stinks and while wet toilet paper clings to the ceiling, Bloody Mary haunts the rusting mirror.

7/10

Hmm. I feel like some things don't fit. Like, the word 'stinks' sounds a bit awkward in that sentence. Maybe something like 'reeks' instead? Also, the sentence structure sounds strange in my head. I feel like you can cut out some of that info. You might not even need the first part, 'The bathroom stinks.'

I don't know, it sort of sounds like it could be a good intro to a story, most likely a short story, it's a bit of an info dump and the structure and placement makes it sound not as good as it should for a first line.

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"Hey. You. Get up. Now."

7/10

I like it, because it instantly pulls you into the action of the scene, adding drama and suspense from the first line, which makes the reader want to know what's happening and get in on the action. But at the same time, it sounds a bit choppy, which makes it a little harder to get into the story, despite the intrigue the first line brings. Maybe some slight reformatting would help a bit. Like, for instance: "Hey, you. Get up. Now."

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Ever since I was little, I've heard stories about lights that used to light up skylines, and planes which used to fly through the sky like a bird, taking people anywhere they wanted to go in the whole world.

6/10

Eh the phrasing feels awkward to me. Then again, I'm not a big fan of repetition unless its meant to hammer a point home.

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“As I’ll be traveling with you, a lass so willing to charity her wagon, you might want to know how to address me, obviously I’m ‘lure’; A pretty name it is not, but you can’t deny the attraction.”

@Zolen:

7

“As I’ll be traveling with you, a lass so willing to charity her wagon, you might want to know how to address me, obviously I’m ‘lure’; A pretty name it is not, but you can’t deny the attraction.”

Zolen, your beginning makes me think of The Last of Us. It's good, and makes you wonder what is happening.

Here is the very first sentence of chapter one in my story.

"Every five Wantasy years (1825 Earth years) a Star creature dies."

@SoVirgoMaleke Rate the sentence above your own based on how you view quality writing, then say why, and then post some piece of a story or idea of yours and others will rate and comment on it.

I'll rate @Zolen's sentence - 4/10. It feels needlessly complex and long, and puts me off the story before it even starts. It could be pared down a lot.

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It was past midnight when they broke the door down.

7

Short, but a good opener.

Mine is sorta long.

"Where are you taking me?" a frightened Hailey demanded the hooded figure as it gripped her arm tightly and dragged her away from the party that her boyfriend was hosting for his birthday, which was held at a park.

5, info dump. Too much is being dropped too quickly. There's no tempo to it all.

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I smiled and took the man’s hand carefully, shaking it gently; gently, as the goddess they believed me to be should shake a hand.

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p.s That wasn't a opening I was posting something mid conversation. I forgot that it was meant to be the first sentence of the novel, so posted something almost in the middle of the first chapter.

7/10. It's pretty nice, and I like your wording, but there's something off about it. The part after the semicolon's kind of confusing.

Days went by, and still Zaerith was stuck in the prison.

6/10

At first read, it draws you in and seems compelling, making you want to know why this guy is in jail. But upon closer inspection, it doesn't seem quite as dramatic as I was originally thinking it was. Like, Zaerith being in prison for a couple days doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Why shouldn't he "still" be in prison? Maybe some slight rewording would make it pop more, like it being from Zaerith's POV, for instancee. Like maybe something like "Zaerith couldn't believe he was still stuck in prison." just as an example. Overall, not half bad but with some slight tweaking I think it could really pop.

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I close my eyes any breathe.

5/10
-When I read that sentence, I admit I am intrigued and want to find out more. The sentence was at first confusing and still is. I tried to figure out if it was any or just the mistake of hitting the wrong key.
--Similar lines have started other stories and the simplicity takes away more than it gives.

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It all started with a mad genius, a touch of crazy, some old music, and the X-Men VHS tape sitting on my bureau.

8.5. This was a pretty good sentence! It's just my personal opinion that the slight touch of humor (at least I think the X-men thing was humor) harmed the flow a bit. I want to know more of this intriguing story-starter. What is the title?




"He wasn't prone to crying, but today was an exception."