Young Writers Society

4/10

Mm, all right. It's interesting, but a bit too vague and abstract for the very first sentence. I'd feel more inclined to read on if I had a better, firmer idea of what's happening. It's too sketchy and thought-y, you know?


I knew Myrddin before anyone else did.

6/10

I like it, but the strange name makes my tongue trip on the very first sentence, which kind of bothers me. Perhaps hit us with the pronunciation roadblock after you've already grabbed our attention?

The meeting had been going unusually well—until we found the dead body.

8/10 great way to start off, and until you read the entire sentence, you have no idea what's going to happen. Even then, the ending will guarantee interest in the future.

"We knew what we were getting into, and there was no going back."

6/10

Uhn. I don't really want to continue reading because it seems like it'll throw me into something I don't understand and it'll be seven pages before it makes any sense. As a sentence though, I like it.

When you were a baby, you could crawl around on the floor under the pew and play.

6/10 It sounds interesting, it's creative, but there's no hint of a conflict anywhere.

"Night had fallen upon the forest, but there was no rest to be found there."

^ 6.7/10, not bad at all. Half expected "it was dark, it was stormy,it was mysterious, etc etc" but you added the "there was no rest to be found there." Good sentence with that last crucial part, short but throws the reader off in a good way. I'd read the next line at least.


Stomping on the pedal, mashing the brakes - racing, flying, shooting my desires and projecting my lusts onto the twin yellow lines ahead.

I'll give you 5/10

i like the imagery but the adverbs or adjectives used to describe the scene seem to be overused.

i don't get when you mean racing,flying, shooting my desires.


it seems random and i don't know how it relates to the sentence


Call me Iniyuki, Yuki for short and by far, i am what you call, a geisha "

4/10

It's too long with too much in it. Is that a run-on? You've two points in there and the sentence only has room for one. Points however for throwing geishas in there; that makes me want to read on.


I love my job.

9/10.

Since most people hate their jobs, it prompts a lot of curiosity as to why. I almost gave you a 1, though, because the line does not have conflict so we ask "why should we care?"

The splendour of the night dropped away as the door creaked open.

8/10

When I first read it, I thought it was one of those cliche lines where someone's having a dream and then it gets ruined when they wake up, but then I thought about the other possibilities and changed my mind.

She stood above all else and stared down at her world.

9/10

It's definitely intriguing (how can she have her own world, why is she at the top). However, I think that it's a bit vague.

Anna had always wondered why the Aztec civilization had so firmly believed in the end of the world.

6/10. I think it would be better if you took out the "Anna always wondered" part, and started out with the end of the world belief, and then when you're finished with that, say something like: "Anna was always fascinated" or something.

When we are born, before we learn to laugh or sleep or eat, the first thing we do is cry.


~Sunny

9/10 I like that. I'd probably read more. It's actually true, I've never thought about that before. It's a nice hook, makes me want to read more.

Never in my life have I been scared to death.

9/10. I think it would be more intriguing if you added something that was like "until I . . ." whatever. Because just leaving it like that seems a little anti-climatic. Unless, of course, you put more in the following sentences, which you probably have.

"I am fourteen years old, and I am going to die."

~Sunny

8/10

I usually like beginning sentences to that, because I always laugh at them. XD


"The scenry was mostly the same as they drove along in silence."