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Young Writers Society


Rate the first sentence above you



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7 Reviews



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Points: 515
Reviews: 7
Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:00 pm
Logowrites says...



6 it ok but what else could u do? It kinda cliquae i mean i have read at least 4 books start with that good try


I ran down the street feeling like a breeze on a extremly hot day, needed.and important.
we can complain because rose bushes have thorns orwe can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
-Abe Lincoln

The grass is greener on the other side because they water it. So water yours!
-Logowrites
  





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308 Reviews



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Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:29 am
AlfredSymon says...



7/10 :D
It's full of action, a great way of starting a story, but it didn't poke out much interest. It was good, though :)

My line:
The sky remained as a dark, magnetic swirl, reminding me of the times Anita and me would eat popcorn while we watched black and white television static.
Need some feed? Then read some! Take a look at today's Squills at In the News.

The Tatterdemalion takes a tattle!

"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"
  





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19 Reviews



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Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:37 am
DiskElemental says...



1/10
The "as" is out of place, "magnetic" doesn't describe how something looks, and it should be "Anita and I."

"Jen poured himself another cup of coffee, stared at the scorch mark on his kitchen floor, and once again contemplated calling the police."
A man without a plan, or anything else for that matter. (Except a review thread).
  





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884 Reviews



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Sun Jan 06, 2013 7:04 am
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StoryWeaver13 says...



9/10
Compelling...I like the idea, and there are a dozen of directions for it to head.



"We sulked across the rainy shore as our clammy fingers gripped a bitter bucket of stars."
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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103 Reviews



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Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:25 pm
wordsandwishes says...



9/10 Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Sometimes I wondered, if I would even be missed.
  





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117 Reviews



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Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:41 pm
crossroads says...



8/10, I would say. I'd put a comma after sometimes, I think that a pause after that word would make the reader shiver a bit more :3
(Without the comma after wonderedm that is)

For every story, there's an end.

(yes that's the first sentence, huh)
• previously ChildOfNowhere
- they/them -
literary fantasy with a fairytale flavour
  





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180 Reviews



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Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:35 pm
Cspr says...



6/10. It pulls me in because I'm like, "Well, that's different," but then I'm like, "Wait, not so much. I wrote something that went back and forward in time with a character that was on hallucinogenic drugs." But I like making things hard for myself, and so the simplicity of the line is good in its own way.

Jacksin Pelley sat in the corner of a bathroom, a room trashed in the midst of repair.
My SPD senses are tingling.
  





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67 Reviews



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Fri Feb 15, 2013 12:00 am
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indieeloise says...



7/10. It gives a sense that it could have both a physical and emotional meaning - and I love the different way of spelling "Jacksin"!


She was the oxygen that most found necessary; he was the molecule of carbon that made her fatal.
"My hobbies include editing my life story, hiding behind metaphors, and trying to convince my shadows that I am someone worth following." - Rudy Francisco
  





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22 Reviews



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Fri Jun 28, 2013 1:49 am
Paige says...



It's definitely a cliche. But I would probably continue reading due to the fact that it gets to the point, and now I want to know "what's on?"

So I'll say a 7 out of 10.

Okay... Chapter One of my story is mainly a prologue, but I call it "chapter one," so it's not written the way I would normally write, and the main character (in the prologue, in the past) is very stuck up and oblivious = not very bright. Here it is.

Two months ago, I would’ve gladly listened to an eternity’s worth of Mr. Brady’s political organization lectures, as long as it meant that I would never have to experience again what would shortly follow.
  





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Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:48 am
BadNarrator says...



6/10

there is specificity in the first half of the sentence and it leads the way into the rest of the story. but there's no action so as a reader I don't get the feeling that there's a lot going on when I walk in.


Once upon a time, in a quiet house in a pleasant little neighborhood, there lived a little boy whose parents were cannibals.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.
  





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Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:09 am
CowLogic says...



10/10 The grammar is impeccable and it's always nice to see a reference to cannibals to help show our modern society that we need to accept cannibalism.

What is love?
The course skin of a thousand elephants sewn together to make one leather wallet.
  





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184 Reviews

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Tue Jul 02, 2013 7:31 pm
veeren says...



1/10 I'm scared of babies hurting me.

Water tastes good.
"Love is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete."
-Plato's Symposium
  





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122 Reviews



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Thu Jul 04, 2013 4:18 am
umaima says...



8/10 because basically water is neutral in taste. (unless you are referring to cold water which I don't know how, does taste good)

I was 6 that time, when I along with my mom had gone to France.
“The strong person is not the one who can wrestle someone else down. The strong person is the one who can control himself when he is angry.”

“It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and it is better still to sit with the good than alone.”
  





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Sun Sep 22, 2013 12:24 am
L5na2 says...



5/10 it doesn't really make me say, "I have to read that."

"Why have you come here Hag?"
  





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Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:34 pm
defiantAuthoress says...



6. It hooks my interest a little bit, but I feel like there should be a comma after "here". Also, it's incredibly abrupt.

"Rita’s head smacked into the back of the passenger’s seat, and the air was ripped from her lungs by the explosion of the airbag from the dashboard."
  








Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality