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Young Writers Society


Rate the first sentence above you



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41 Reviews



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Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:54 pm
wookielover17 says...



9/10 I like it I like it a lot

Are we supposed to put the first sentence of the novel we are writing or one we are reading? I'm gonna put the one from mine:

Here in this street everything’s the same.
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
  





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370 Reviews



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Sun Oct 11, 2009 10:00 am
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empressoftheuniverse says...



Huh. I'm going to say 7/10
It's not bad, but there are better ways to get across the setting, or tone.







It was the kind of day where sadness slid down your shoulder blades, and melancholy formed droplets at the top of your brow.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!
  





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197 Reviews



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Sun Oct 11, 2009 10:36 am
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Jetpack says...



8/10 Nice imagery, but makes me think that the sadness is somehow making this person sweat, with the "droplets at the top of your brow". Seems odd...

"I don't see the stars tonight," she whispered, and there was fear in her voice.
  





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Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:31 am
Rosendorn says...



8/10

I like it. The statement is unusual enough that we want to keep reading, and ordinary enough we wonder why she'd be saying that out of fear.

"Are there any assassins in the crowd, Kerani?"
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:23 pm
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PhoenixBishop says...



Definitely peaked my interest. 8/10

"You want me, to help you hook up with my clone," Jenica said.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~
  





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369 Reviews



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Sun Nov 29, 2009 8:37 am
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Conrad Rice says...



7/10. Almost there, but it just doesn't feel quite right.

When the killing time comes, a hard man never looks at his watch.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  





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Sun Jan 03, 2010 3:43 pm
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Rosendorn says...



5/10. I was interested, like the little character details, but if that was all I saw I could forget about the story rather easily. This fits better a paragraph-long opening better than a first line opening. (Terms taken from here)

“I don’t see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job.”
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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15 Reviews



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Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:30 am
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Amaryllis says...



7/10. Huh. I like that. It's thought-provoking.

"He did a wild sort of pocket-searching dance, but to no avail."
"It's my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."
  





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5 Reviews



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Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:27 am
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thajaro says...



7/10

Good. It reminds me of myself..

Alone in the darkness, a small, forgotten box sang a melancholy tune that reminded the boy of the bitter strawberries that grew in his backyard in the spring.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-Jules de Gaultier
Humans have not always been the superior race to walk this Earth...
-The Sidhe prince Delbáeth
  





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Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:30 am
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Scion of Fangor says...



6/10

Gave me very little feel of the tone or setting, on the other hand you redeem it with some nice description


Hell can't touch the Northern Front.
GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





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482 Reviews



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Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:03 pm
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Ranger Hawk says...



Hm. Well. I don't know, it doesn't give me a lot to picture. 7/10.

"I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm."
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:04 pm
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Vanadis says...



Hmm...7/10, I'd say.

"With baited breath" is a somewhat cliche phrase; maybe describe the anxiety instead. It does hook me in wanting to know why there's someone sitting in the dark with a warrior. A nice hint of suspense there.

So I think mine sucks. If you've got some good advice, I'd like it:

With the rumor of a Viking longship docking earlier that day, there was no way Sólveig could concentrate on the mundane task of needlework.
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

Need someone to review your novel? Why don't you try checking here? Buddy up!

Last time I checked, love had no gender.
  





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482 Reviews



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Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:42 pm
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Ranger Hawk says...



8/10. Definitely throws me into the viking times, which I find interesting, but it's that last part, the idea of a guy doing needlework, that got me. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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123 Reviews

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Wed Jan 27, 2010 6:24 pm
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Vanadis says...



Ooh, sorry. Sólveig is a nine-year-old girl. Maybe I should have confirmed the gender XD
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

Need someone to review your novel? Why don't you try checking here? Buddy up!

Last time I checked, love had no gender.
  





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482 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 30278
Reviews: 482
Wed Jan 27, 2010 7:50 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Oh. *feels stupid* Well, I assumed it was a guy because of the viking image that came to mind. Whoops. :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  








Everything’s edible if you’re immortal.
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