Young Writers Society

7/10. It's okay. Definitely an interesting sentence that pique my curiosity, that's for sure, and it does let the story open up with character development.

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How about this:

In a world of darkness, Slove grasped for the one remaining light.

Eh, 5/10-ish. It's a little better, but it still sounds clumsy and cliché, especially as you've combined the two clichés of "a world of darkness" and "one remaining light". It's probably not a bad image to open up with, but there are definitely better words and phrases to convey that image that don't automatically rely on stock images in the reader's mind.

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They buried my uncle on a pale summer day.

8/10. Kind of morbid, but it gets the point across and inspires you to imagine a funeral held during good weather for once (instead of being rainy as hell). I like it. It gives me the sense that the character is feeling rather disconnected from the uncle? If that makes sense...


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Aruna stared at the corpse that lay before him, the two guards at his side silent for once.

6/10. The flow of the sentence is a bit off, it's just a little bit too much of a mouthful. In terms of content though, I think it's effective.

At the beginning of my final year of high school, I was an expert in unrequited love.

5.5/10. It's a bit too clunky for me -- especially that prepositional phrase at the beginning -- and while it's a quick introduction to character and setting, it feels like it's lacking something. It might be the prepositional phrase that's throwing it off, though.

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The first sentence that he learned in German was I have angered God.

8.28462/10.00

A good enough opening to draw attention. Make people want to read the next sentence.

Hmmm lets be dramatic:

"Before this mound of smog stood a machine of disorder, a monstrous guardian who had gifted the populace with its broken sky."

2/10
A bit crowded. It seems that you were jumping up and down screaming "pick me! Pick me!" to the reader who is considering buying you.

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The Vampires stole my Wi-Fi again.

6/10
Because of personal preference. That being said, maybe the story would be quirky.

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I'm actually going to use a spoiler properly for once. This is a sentence from an upcoming short story? novel? I guess you'll have to wait and see!

7/10

Although the statement is a little static I love the imagery of "cotton summer dressers and seamless chemises." Still maybe it would be better to show her passion and trust the reader to find out rather than simply telling. I feel like this will be a huge and essential element of Cora's character, so for maximum character depth (hopefully that doesn't sound too stupid; if it does...sorry...it's 1 a.m. right now). But again, love that imagery and still has promise to be unique because of the unconventional imagery.

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The train lurched in the darkness like a shooting star hurtling towards earth, as if flung carelessly by Astraea, goddess of the cosmos.

Hmm, 3/10. I took off an extra point for the typo I know, I'm a harsh critic :S Two similes in a row, and it feels a bit overburdened for a first sentence (lurched, hurtling, flung carelessly - so many flashy words are kind of distracting, not sure where you want my attention as the reader). And do you want me focusing on the train, the shooting star, or Astraea?

I think mine might make a lot more sense with context (eg back of book or query letter), but I guess we'll see!

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Ten minutes remained until Iari betrayed his best friend.

6/10, maybe? I would definitely want to know the circumstances of Iari's betrayal. However, the "ten minutes" thing was almost too precise for a first sentence, and it is a case of telling rather than showing.
Still, not bad. I would read on for a bit at least.

"I thought back to my earliest recollections of Mercy. They stuck like damp clothes, vivid to say the least."
(I know it's 2 sentences, but I feel that the first one isn't much good on its own)

5/10, if I'm being generous. You said it yourself, the first one isn't that good on its own—it uses "I thought", which is one of the weakest subject-verb combinations you could have in writing. Instead of telling us what she's thinking, perhaps something like "My earliest memories of Mercy stuck to me like damp clothes", and then continue from there? That combines the strongest points of these two sentences and cuts out some of the weaker ones.

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She drowned in the smell of dust and flowers.

8/10- Ark, I absolutely love this sentence. It is so rich and vivid in description, and just an amazing way to start a book. I wonder what she is doing, or where she is to be feeling this way. I remember that I just to love to drown in flower petals as a little child, because it brings back good memories.
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The wind was calling my name, almost as if the gods wanted me to hear their whispering.

6/10. It's decent, but it has too much heavy-handed foreshadowing. It would stand much better on its own and be much stronger if you just left it at "The wind was calling my name", because that makes the reader ask questions. The rest of the sentence just makes the reader dread the storyline.

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The subway station was packed tighter than a bottle of pills.

5/10. I think it's alright. When I thought about it, I thought about the giant cotton ball you have to pull out of the top of pill bottles that make them seem half empty, so I wasn't sure the "bottle of pills" example was quite right, but I guess there are some pill bottles that are pretty full, so... I do get what you're saying too. I like the idea of starting out a book talking about how crowded a subway is though. So not bad!

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I knew it was a mistake the moment I did it.