Young Writers Society

5/10. You have a lot of information in this sentence, and a lot of it is conflicting and distracting. The last clause feels like a non sequitur, and there shouldn't be a hyphen in "eight years", because "years" is the measurement. (Think of it this way, would you say a foot is twelve-inches long or twelve inches long?) It could be interesting, but it needs a grammatical reworking so there's something tying the two parts together—while non sequiturs can be interesting, they're weak enough without the support of a following paragraph, and you want your hook to be able to stand on its own.

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They buried my uncle on a pale summer day.

7/10

It's quite short, but that isn't a problem because it still gives you a sense of the tone of the story. It also starts off the action right away.

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The sound of running footsteps was what woke him.

9/10

I really like it! It grabs your attention and throws you right into the story. Nice hook.

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The room spun when I heard of the Queen's death, but not because she had died, because I was the princess.

5/10. It's too long, with too many ideas and clauses that don't exactly fit together well. It might be better if you had a dramatic pause before the last clause, instead of the weak comma pause, but as it is your extra clauses are weakening the concept. Just "The room [...] death" would be an adequate first line, I think. Cut it down to a simple statement.

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They buried my uncle on a pale summer day.

6/10 It's short, but it can grab the attention of the readers since there are many things left unsaid. In terms of grammar, I can see none here.

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There are many things that we cannot comprehend; some of those we want to understand, others we left untouched out of fear.

5/10 It holds promise and shows a bit of what might come, but the content itself is very cliche. Those facts are known by most, if you're going to illustrate something like that. You might as well show us an example instead of saying it.

They said it was autumn when she died, and in winter, she was resurrected.

3/10
This isn't a bad opening line, just a pet peeve of mine. You see, you're being obscure about this "she" when there is no need to be. What was this girls relationship with the main character? Was it his mom? Sister? Girlfriend? Don't be obscure just for the sake of being obscure.

I killed myself because I had to save the world.

7/10
A very interesting twist on the save the world sub genre. Though, it does seem to lack much character motivation/a way of getting across a sympathetic protagonist.

All she wanted was a cup of water.

(Yes, I know I cheated but I wanted to bump the thread and not look like a stupid doing it.)

5/10

This sentence welcomes many interpretations - some would say the character is thirsty, while others would say she is tired of her life, or busy schedule, and just wants to relax. It needs follow-up sentences.

She walked to me and sat besides me.

(Just realized I should post the first sentence of my short story XD)

4/10. It's a little too vague for me, gives us no sense of setting, conflict, or really character, and doesn't set the tone—all things that you should probably have from the get-go (the first paragraph or so) in a short story. In addition, "besides" is incorrect in this usage; it should be "she sat beside me", as "besides" with the S on the end means essentially the same thing as "except".

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Airplanes had never agreed with Audrey's stomach.

6/10

It's a pretty interesting opening. You can tell you're about to get introduced to a new character right off the bat, and hey, she's on a plane. Somebody's going somewhere. I like it.

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Everyone thought he was faking it, but everytime Daniel Fisher put a pen to the paper and tried to write his name, he somehow always wrote 'Jesus'.

9/10 I would read it to the bitter end. That is a hilarious opening line- and I'm pretty sure I don't need to say why!- For starters, you begin with making us wonder why people are thinking he's a faker. Naturally, I want to know why they think he's a fraud.... AND THEN. There just isn't anything to say. I put it as a nine 'cause I'm not suppose to like J-Daug. o0


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She was terrified of sneezing.

6/10
Hmm, this sentence makes me think. And i don't lile thinking, so I want more explanation regarding this. Does it trigger my curiosity? Yes. Is it impressive? Not really.

She walked to me and sat besides me.

3/10. This sentence doesn't really make me think, hence it's not really that interesting. Sorry.

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In complete darkness, Slove grasped for the light.

4/10. It's cliché and contradictory—if Slove is in complete darkness, how are they grasping for light? It feels almost like you're trying to push a metaphor across clumsily in the first sentence, but you end up confusing the reader. Decide: Is it completely dark, or is there light?

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Airplanes had never agreed with Audrey's stomach.