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WASP



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Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:31 pm
niteowl says...



Last year, in the English class where we did nothing but play Scrabble, do circle stories, and other fun stuff (not that that was especially horrible :wink:) one activity we did was make up advice letters, pass them out randomly, and answering the one we got.

Therefore I have decided to post a new writing activity called Wacky Advice for Stupid People, aka WASP. Here's how it works. I'll write a letter asking for advice. The next person answers it and writes his/her own advice letter. The next person does the same, and so on and so forth.

Here's the first letter.

Dear WASP,
I thought I had killed my sister because she stole my ex-boyfriend who I am still madly in love with. I thought she understood that! Everyone knows two sisters shouldn't date the same guy even at different times.

Anyway, I thought I had killed her. She was pronounced dead and was buried and everything. But apparently not so. Now she has come back to life and is dating my ex-boyfriend again! Should I try killing her again, or will that just make her come back to life...and into Derek's arms yet again?!!!

Loves Derek, Hates Linda

NOTE: This is for fun only. If you seriously have any problems like this, see a shrink, don't come here. Also, serious advice not required.
  





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Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:30 am
Guest says...



Sweet! What a great idea! This is going to be fun...[rolls up arms] OK!

...

Dear Loves Derek, Hates Linda,

I am sorry to hear you are having problems with the undead. Not to worry, though! I happen to be an expert on the occult and can give you some great tips on how to deal with Lifeless Linda.

The first thing to remember is that Linda is no longer your sister. She is now a bastion of the underworld, and as such is doomed whichever way you look at it, as any avid horror-film viewer will know. Secondly, it is your DUTY to kill her, because of said underworld connexions. Therefore, do not hesitate to follow my advice.

This is what you need:

- Some garlic
- Some salt (for extra flavour)
- Some holy water
- A cross
- A stake and a hammer
- A broom

The next time you see Linda, be she hanging onto your ex like a limpet or stealing the last candy bar from the cupboard, (preferably the latter, as killing his current girlfriend is not about to endear you to Derek), you need to attack her with the salt. Pour it all over her, until she shrieks for mercy. Be sure to hold the garlic cloves and cross out in front of you so that she cannot counter-attack. Next, splash the holy water in her face to blind her while you tackle her, and, once she is on the floor, use the hammer to drive the stake through where her heart used to be. Voila! If all goes well, your sister should now be a pile of dust on the floor. Sweep this dust up with the broom and sprinkle it on hallowed ground.

You should no longer be troubled by Linda Leech.

Yours in Fellowship,
WASP

...

Dear WASP,

I'm afraid my best friend is an alien spy in disguise! Just the other day, when I asked him if he wanted to shoot some hoops, he told me to get lost because he had to study! And yesterday, when I saw him downtown, his hair had turned bright purple and he had a nose ring in.

Anyway, I'm scared, especially because the last night I saw strange lights over at his house, and there was this weird darkness in the sky, like day without light! And I heard on the radio that people have been seeing UFOs! I think the aliens are doing experiments on his brain, and changing his thought patterns so that he can serve them! Help! How can I defeat these evil invaders and get my best friend's brain back?

Please help,
- Brainless

[NB: Neither of these letters is to be taken even remotely serioiusly.]
  





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Sun Dec 05, 2004 12:32 am
bubblewrapped says...



Sorry about that, my computer went batty and logged me out :evil:

Sweet! What a great idea! This is going to be fun...[rolls up arms] OK!

...

Dear Loves Derek, Hates Linda,

I am sorry to hear you are having problems with the undead. Not to worry, though! I happen to be an expert on the occult and can give you some great tips on how to deal with Lifeless Linda.

The first thing to remember is that Linda is no longer your sister. She is now a bastion of the underworld, and as such is doomed whichever way you look at it, as any avid horror-film viewer will know. Secondly, it is your DUTY to kill her, because of said underworld connexions. Therefore, do not hesitate to follow my advice.

This is what you need:

- Some garlic
- Some salt (for extra flavour)
- Some holy water
- A cross
- A stake and a hammer
- A broom

The next time you see Linda, be she hanging onto your ex like a limpet or stealing the last candy bar from the cupboard, (preferably the latter, as killing his current girlfriend is not about to endear you to Derek), you need to attack her with the salt. Pour it all over her, until she shrieks for mercy. Be sure to hold the garlic cloves and cross out in front of you so that she cannot counter-attack. Next, splash the holy water in her face to blind her while you tackle her, and, once she is on the floor, use the hammer to drive the stake through where her heart used to be. Voila! If all goes well, your sister should now be a pile of dust on the floor. Sweep this dust up with the broom and sprinkle it on hallowed ground.

You should no longer be troubled by Linda Leech.

Yours in Fellowship,
WASP

...

Dear WASP,

I'm afraid my best friend is an alien spy in disguise! Just the other day, when I asked him if he wanted to shoot some hoops, he told me to get lost because he had to study! And yesterday, when I saw him downtown, his hair had turned bright purple and he had a nose ring in.

Anyway, I'm scared, especially because the last night I saw strange lights over at his house, and there was this weird darkness in the sky, like day without light! And I heard on the radio that people have been seeing UFOs! I think the aliens are doing experiments on his brain, and changing his thought patterns so that he can serve them! Help! How can I defeat these evil invaders and get my best friend's brain back?

Please help,
- Brainless

[NB: Neither of these letters is to be taken even remotely seriously.]
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
  





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Mon Dec 06, 2004 2:02 am
watergirlwriter3 says...



Dear Brainless,
Do not fret, for I too have been through this same predicament. It is not as strange as you think, for many people have been victims or have friends who are victims of alien brain-washing. I have found that the best remedy is to capture the UFO, kill the aliens, and get your friend back. What you will need is:
2 water bottles
secret agent gadgets
It is well known that all aliens allergic to water; it's like acid to them. Once you have captured the UFO spray all the invaders with water. Oh, by the way, you are going to need the agent gadgets to get in and out of the space ship. Once you have done all this you should be home free (literally).
Hope I've been helpful.


Dear WASP,
I have such a problem! I believe that my mother is a zombie. Of course no one believes me, so I've come to you in hope of advice. You see, she keeps eating our dogs and cats. She even ate my pet ferret Killer. My stepfather is oblivious and tells me that I am insane. I think I'm starting to believe too. What shall I do? We can't keep buying animals for her to eat. What if she comes after me? She told me she was after all. I'm afraid for our lives and the lives of any future animals that might come to live in our home. Please help me!!!!!!!!!
sincerly,
Zombie Bait
laney girl
  





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Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:44 am
Elelel says...



Dear Zombie Bit,
You are expirienceing an unusual and rather interesting problem. Not to worry! We'll have this whole affair sorted out in a jiffy! I strongly advise you to return you zombie mother back to her origanal state using the following method: first, lure her into a secluded area with old Auntie Sylvie's miniture poodle as bait, then blind her with light to prevent her attacking you, and spray her with holy water (Last century's is best). This should return her into her old motherly state.

NOTE: If the zombie mother should die from holy water exposiure, the WASP society holds no responsiblity. But we advise you to make the most of the situation and disect her stomach to retrive the remains of you pets, they can then be revived back to life with a basic necromancy charm that may be obtained from your local Charm supplier.

Best wishes,
WASP.

Dear WASP,
I am so scared! Last night our house was shrouded in a flock of bats! They have been flying around for a week now... and last night one transformed into a man with a black cape and long fangs! He bit my youngest sister before my mother drove him from the house with her broom. My sister has been unconsious since,, she's been acting all strange. She's been muttering "Blood! I must have blood!" in her sleep, but we think she'll wake soon and be back to her usual self. Please tell us how to get rid of these strange bats!
From Gone Batty.
Oh, you're angry! Click your pen.
--Music and Lyrics
  





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Fri Mar 04, 2005 2:05 am
hekategirl says...



Dear Gone Batty,

Have you tried garlic? hang it everywhere you can and the bats should go away. Also hang it around your necks, and also, to kill the bat when it transforms into a man with a black cape and long fangs (real name a vampire) a stake in the heart will kill him/her. And also to repel them a cross will also do it.

Hope everything turns out alright!

WASP


Dear WASP,
I'm having this serious problem; whenever I go in my garage large cockroaches come up from the ceiling and start chasing me! I run out of my garage of course but they follow me! The only way for me to get away from them was to hop in my car and drive to the nearsest town. And when I finally got the courage to go back to my house they were in my house having a party!!! and whenever I tired to get then out they chased me out and my cowardlyness got the better of me. So i'm now sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house, hopeing they will eventually leave. But, i've been here for days now and they don't seem anywhere near leaving. So my question is ovious: HOW DO I GET THESE BEASTS OUT OF MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Please help me WASP!

Love,
Tired Of The Sidewalk.
  





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Fri Mar 04, 2005 8:04 pm
niteowl says...



Dear Tired,

I don't know if you know this, but cockroaches love bad spelling. So if you have a writing utensil, go to the middle of the road and spell a bunch of random words wrong. If you don't, I know how you can make writing! (And yes I have actually done and yes my mom was pissed lol)

Take a flower, preferably a red one. Squish it up a little until juice starts to come out. Then you can write with the juice.

Actually, if you have some sort of makeup, that'll work too. Lipstick and mascara would probably work the best.

So go misspell your heart out! Did I misspell that? lol


Dear WASP,

I invented a really neat time machine! The problem is that I can't quite fit in it. It will only accept half of me. What do I do? And please don't say try to send someone smaller because I've tried hobbits, mice, godfish, pencils, and bacteria, but every time it'll only let half of the passenger go back in time!
Sincerely,
Halfway There
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  





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Sat Mar 12, 2005 11:43 pm
nickelpickle says...



Dear Halfway There,

I am sorry to hear about your Time Travel Dilemna.... Here is what you need:

1. A long chainsaw
2. A large trash bag
3. Lots of gauze pads
4. A table and chair next to the machine

Now... Here is what to do... Sit down on the chair with two of the chair legs in the time machine and the other two out so that half of you is in it. Now, put the table next to you and lay the large trash bag under it. Take the chainsaw and cut your self in half. One half of your body will fall in and the other half will fall to the floor on the trash bag. Your unbalanced weight will cause the chair to tip with you and half of you will go back in time.


Dear WASP,

I recently discovered a formula to clone my dog. I cloned four of her and then decided to try something new. I added some alcohol into the formula and now she is rabid. Please help.. She is trying to tear down my door... AHHHHH

Sincerely,
Dead Dog
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 2:24 am
Dreami says...



Dear Dead Dog:

We are so sorry about your dog. Be happy though, you have 4 others. Anyways, we have several options for you:

1: You could wrap her in toilet paper and feed her bananas. But this will do no good. Its fun anyways. If you want to make it funner, cover her with shaving cream.

2: You can give her to your worst neighbor. You have 4 more dogs. Who cares?

3: You can make them all rabid and take over the world!

Sincerly,
The Uncaring WASP

Dear WASP:

I want to be on the Snickers commercial. I have eaten all the Snickers in the area, but nothing has happened? I don't want to have the St Louis Rams named the St Louis Dreamies, I just want to be on the commercial!Ahhh!

-Snickering for Snickers.
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 2:32 am
niteowl says...



Dear Snickering for Snickers,

First, make a bunch of money. Then bribe the guy in charge of deciding to be in the commercial. It's that simple!

Dear WASP,

They're out to get me. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Paranoid
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 2:38 am
Dreami says...



Dear Paranoid:

Jump in a lake. Hold your breath and stay down there. If they are bad, make sure you go up. If they are okay, go down.Then you'll never see them again.

-WASP

Dear WASP:

I am afraid of you! I hate wasps! What can I do so I loose my scaredness of WASPS?

-WASP Hater
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 2:55 am
niteowl says...



WASP Hater,

Call in a SWAT team. duh!

Dear WASP,

I didn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day and wasn't just pinched, but beaten up! I am now in such horrible pain. I usually forget other holidays too. I forgot to put a Christmas tree up and leave cookies for Santa on Christmas, didn't give my boyfriend anything on Valentine's Day, didn't remember to paint eggs for Easter, didn't even think about pranking people on April Fool's Day, was shocked by the fireworks on the Fourth of July, went to school on Labor Day, didn't go trick-or-treating or even get candy to hand out on Halloween, didn't make turkey on Thanksgiving, and I even forgot my own birthday! Yet I still faithfully celebrate Arbor Day, Earth Day, Leif Erikson Day, Columbus Day, and Grandparents Day. And I didn't even think about Mother or Father's Day! What's wrong with me?

Selective Holiday Forgetter
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 3:06 pm
Dreami says...



Dear Selective Holiday Forgetter:

Move to a country that doesn't celebrate any holidays.

Dear WASP:

I keep buying the same thing in the store without knowing that its the same as another persons.(you!) How can I get my dynamic avatar to be unique without spending a ton of points?

Sincerly,
Not a twin
  





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Sat Mar 19, 2005 5:47 pm
niteowl says...



Dear Not a Twin

Different hair styles/colors are fairly cheap. And I am saving points for a really kewl background. And I may put my pink sunglasses back on.

Dear WASP,

I was a genius in second grade, but my IQ has lowered to a 120 since then. What do I do?

Signed,
Losing Genius
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  





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Sun Mar 20, 2005 3:12 am
Dreami says...



Ah, but those are what I was going to get niteowl! :wink: :roll:

Dear Losing Genius:

Get the heck off this site!!!

WASP.

Dear WASP:

I have this sincer love for all the old shows, like Leave it to Beaver, Mr. Ed, The Brady Bunch, etc. What should I do?

Golden Oldie
  








u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
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