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Young Writers Society


WASP



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758 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
Wed Jan 24, 2007 9:32 pm
Cade says...



Dear Running Out,

I suggest using shock technology to wean your friends off of the graham crackers. Of course, this method may leave you with no friends and a houseful of graham crackers. That may be what you prefer; if not, get a membership at BJ's and start stocking up.

Best of luck,
WASP

------------------

Dear WASP,

I think I just glued my lips together with molten cat food.
What should I do?

Shocked and Speechless
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Fri Feb 02, 2007 7:26 am
extrastapled says...



Dear Shocked and Speechless:

Carry a notepad and pen, and stay away from cats.

WASP

_______________

Dear WASP:

I find myself inexplicably attracted to a man that wants to kill me. He's tried and failed - by sheer coincidence - many times so far, and I thought all that attention must mean he likes me, but he won't even look me in the eyes! How can I win his heart?

Seeking Cupid's Arrow
  





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459 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 10092
Reviews: 459
Fri Feb 02, 2007 7:32 am
Poor Imp says...



Dear Seeking Cupid's Arrow:

In this case, your best bet for a heart (and your own continued existence - don't doubt coincidences come to end) is to cut his out and run.

Good luck with that. I'm afraid this doesn't look like a happy ending.


WASP

--

Dear WASP:

I'm in desperate need of detective assistance. In fact, I really need Sherlock Holmes - honestly, only Holmes. No one else will have the slightest hope of infering even the least bit of clarity out of my distressing and abstruse predicament. It's mad.

Could you perhaps direct me to a way in which I contact the famed consulting detective? Even dead, he's better than the living idiots I've tried.

Yours,

Direly Dejected in Need of a Detective
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander
  





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820 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 820
Sat Feb 24, 2007 2:03 pm
Myth says...



Dear Direly Dejected in Need of a Detective,

Ever tried walking down Baker Street? I've heard there are quite a few Holmes-ish detectives there. Maybe you'll stumble into a Watson, that'll be even better.

Good luck.

WASP


.:

Dear WASP,

There are voices in my head. People say I talk to myself but I serious don't. What shall I do?

Just Me
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 46
Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:36 am
chocolatechipmuffin says...



Dear Just Me,
Buy a cell phone. Super-glue it to your ear. If you don't want to talk to someone, hold up a finger and say "I'm busy."
Oh, and if the voices get annoying, or one of them starts singing off-key, poke them with a q-tip. It works best through the ear, but the nose is also acceptable.

------------------

Dear WASP,
My boyfriend never shows up on our dates, he insists that I refer to him as "The King," he tells me to come hang out at his house, but when I get there, his retarded security guard says "Graceland's visiting hours are now over. Please come back tomorrow." He keeps claiming he's a great singer, but I've never heard of him. He also does this really wierd dance, and sings weird songs. Who wants to sing about hound dogs and blue suede shoes? I mean, I love shoes, and dogs, but a song about them?
Even though he's eccentric and odd, I love him soooooooo much. How do I get him to be a better boyfriend? I love him.
I can't help it,
I'm Falling in Love With You
  





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55 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 55
Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:59 pm
Shafter says...



Dearest Falling,

Dump him.
He's not worth it, and there are other guys. Buy yourself some ice cream, get over him, and start looking for a normal boyfriend. (But keep his number-- you'll want it if you're ever hard up for money. Trust me.)

Respecfully yours,
WASP

***

Dear WASP,
Don't you hate it when you get cut off in traffic? Every time it happens, I just want to slam into the car in front of me! How can I control my anger?
Desperately yours,
Anger Issues
Got YWS?

Over 18? Join The Writers Society today!
http://www.thewriterssociety.com
  





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1176 Reviews

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Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:51 pm
Twit says...



Dear Anger,

I sympathize with your plight. The most popular method of anger control is as follows:

1. Go out and buy a cage of gerbils.

2. Keep the gerbils in the car (it might be wise to provide food and water).

3. Next time you get cut off in traffic, carefully reach into the cage and bring out a gerbil.

4. Kill the gerbil. Any method will do.

5. Kill as many gerbils as it takes to vent your anger.

6. When you get out of the traffic, go and wash your hands. You don't want to attract stares.

7. Go and replenish your stock of gerbils.

We at WASP have used this method with great success, and we hope it will work for you. No refunding is offered if it doesn't.

Sincerly,
WASP


---

Dear WASP,

HELP ME! I have suddenly started shrinking, due to some radioactive insecticide I was exposed to six months ago. Our pet dog has started looking at me and licking her lips and drooling. I am so worried! My family doesn't know what to do, so they've given up hope. All the specialists are too expensive (did I mention that I live in a slum?) and the doctor does not believe my story. You are my last hope, WASP!

Hysterically,
Shrinking
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1690
Reviews: 11
Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:24 pm
logosgal says...



Dear Shrinking,

This is a very serious problem and must be addressed properly AT ONCE!
The obvious first step is to sell your pet dog. This will keep you relatively safe in the event that it's already too late to stop the shrinking.
The best thing to do next is to see a shrink. I know this seems like a drastic step, but trust me, even the cheapest of these fearless professionals have enough experience with shrinking people to know exactly how to control the it.
Your shrink should be able to advise you from there. However, if, for whatever reason, your shrink is unable or unwilling to help you, or you still cannot afford to see one after selling your dog, here's what I think is the most likely solution:

1) Obtain a quantity of the same (NON-radioactive) insecticide to which you were previously exposed. Get the same ammount as you were exposed to.

2) Microwave said substance on HIGH for 3 minutes for the first 16oz. of insecticide, adding 30 seconds for each additional Be sure to put it all in the microwave at the same time. The microwaves should counteract the radiowaves from the radioactive insecticide.
NOTE: Cooking times formulated for a 500 watt oven. Actual cooking times may vary, depending on the wattage of your oven.

3) Stop up your bathtub.

5) Pour the microwaved insecticide into the bathtub.

6) Pull the plug in the bathtub.

7) Watch the insecticide pour out.

8) Go eat some ice cream.

This remedy, if put into practice quickly enough, should provide control over your situation. If it doesn't at least the ice cream will help you forget about it for awhile.

Sincerely,
WASP


******

Dear WASP,

I recently went into my kitchen for a midnight snack when i accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension where some aliens sucked out my internal organs and said I was such a good sport about it that they offered to send me back to any point in history that I would care to go. On the one hand, I would like to go to last Thursday so that I can pay my phone bill on time, but on the other, I really want to see Jimmy Hendrix do that thing with the guitar. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,
"Weird Al" the time warp man
Home is where the books are.
  








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