z

Young Writers Society


First Paragraph Feedback



User avatar
122 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1656
Reviews: 122
Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:59 am
WaterVyper says...



Ooh, I'm interested. You introduce the characters nicely, and it makes me want to know who they are. Images immediately spring to my mind about what could be happening. It is sort of funny too.

“Mrs. Derra?” Mirren raised her slender arm up into the air. Her creamy brown skin was smooth, a thin hand poised at the end of it. Mirren’s long, black hair was tied up today, a ponytail bobbing whenever she moved her head. It reminded Shori of one of the old fashioned buoys that her mother still used in their lake.

“Yes, Mirren?” Mrs. Derra was always lenient with Mirren. Normally, Mrs. Derra was one teacher whom you didn’t want to cross, but she seemed almost motherly when it came to Mirren. It must have been the fact that Mirren was the class star. But Shori couldn’t place it; Mirren was stellar in History, but absolutely useless anywhere else. Genius wasn’t supposed to be like that.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
  





User avatar
35 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 35
Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:20 pm
The Cheshire Cat says...



It was all right. You introduced the characters well, and painted a nice, pleasing picture. It does a bit too much 'telling'. You might want to choose something a little more dynamic for your first sentence. Something that drags the readers in.




We should have listened.
Those were the words that danced across everyone’s lips as they crawled out of collapsed homes or crushed cars. The phrase was repeated, rising and twisting in a morbid ballet with the screams that also echoed, until it sounded as though one large person sobbed the sentence to the heavens. Children who were too young to even realize what was going on rocked on the sidewalks, cheeks stained from tears as they too whispered the phrase that they didn‘t even comprehend. Most adults were crying harder then the children, choking out the words as if doing so could reset the clock and give humanity another chance.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!
  





User avatar
273 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 273
Tue Feb 24, 2009 10:03 pm
Lost_in_dreamland says...



Quite interesting, not exactly my kind of thing, but I do like it :D

I am Olivia. I am Olivia, I do proclaim my wishes to one day bear the name that I do not yet esteem my own. The thing is, I can still go back there, upon that eve, I can still recall it all:

I am Jane, I’ve always been Jane, for without Jane I am nothing. It remains a matter of pertinence, that of remaining true to myself, this, perhaps, has been both my making and my undoing, for it is not a task done without spirit. Father told me of spirit, on his last days, for his breath upon the wind was all I longed for. I did not care for the city fellow, nor the country squire, I’d rather court my father. For that I was regarded a most strange child by all but father; for father was a man true to his virtues and values down to the bottom of his shoes, I, he believed, was a most spectacular girl, one that believed in truth and thrived on ardour, perhaps not one with whom the bell tolls from inside, rather the one to carry the bell, the one to deliver destiny to those that possessed it. I was never one to go for glory, I rather believe that acquaintance is of more desire than authority. For being in possession of authority is certainly a fine thing, whether it be land or people &c. yet to be the acquaintance of one in authority, finer still, for to have that air of childish anticipation about one’s self, excitement and joy. To that I shall happily oblige.


NOTE: the word *court* isn't the word I want to use here, it's not what I mean, I just needed a word to fill the space :D
for what are we without words and stories?
  





User avatar
273 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 273
Tue Feb 24, 2009 10:04 pm
Lost_in_dreamland says...



the second am in I am olivia is meant to be italicized 8)
for what are we without words and stories?
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 1122
Reviews: 150
Wed Feb 25, 2009 4:43 am
200397 says...



It was good; a trifle too long, a but confusing switching from Olivia to Jane. And some of the wording in the big paragraph was a little awkward, but it was a good start. :D

First paragraph from my novel, The Silver Lining.


*****

The house was quite literally falling apart. Signs of mild decay and, by the looks of the upstairs windows, years of vacancy were visible as Jack eyed it warily from across the street. One half of the russet brick was obscured by lushly growing emerald ivy; the roof needed a great deal of re-shingling in various places of the two slanted gables, and the small amount of space in between the house and the next one was overgrown and choked with clover and deleterious weeds. Jack gulped and took a cautious step forward.


~Sunny
  





User avatar
35 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 35
Wed Feb 25, 2009 5:54 pm
The Cheshire Cat says...



Very good. The second sentence is especially wonderful. The sentences all flow nicely and give a good image of the house without being tedious. I'd probably read it.

______


Many people often regard Brussels-sprouts negatively, ignorant about the fact they actually have the ability to heal bullet wounds, destroy cancer, and ward off angry pelicans. If the end of the world was to come tomorrow, it is these people who would not live to see another day. Therefore, I would strongly suggest either learning to like Brussels-sprouts, or slathering them with so much gravy, you cannot distinguish their true taste.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!
  





User avatar
99 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1210
Reviews: 99
Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:58 pm
Monki says...



xD What a hook! :) Really hooks the reader because everyone can relate to the subject. Everyone either likes or dislikes brussel spouts, so it's something that they don't have to struggle to understand. It makes the reader want to read more to see where exactly this is going. ;) Good one!

----------------------------------------------------------

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for. All the streets, I knew them. They looked so very familiar, yet I was starting to panic. I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't really know it after all.

Please note that this paragraph is kind of... bleh. Now, all of my other ones, well, that's a different story. This one isn't really a hook, per se.
Tom Riddle: "You read my diary?"
Harry Potter: "At first, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:25 am
Twit says...



Like you said, not an immediate hook, but still intriguing. It starts off peacefully, but I'd definitely read on to see what came after.


Shadow Tattybogle was quite certain of two things. Firstly, Mistress had chosen a hopelessly uncoordinated dancing partner. Second, the man in the corner was going to kill someone.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6517
Reviews: 798
Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:00 pm
Jiggity says...



Snap. That's a great opening, doesn't really constitute a paragraph though does it? Still, lovely hook.

My own keeps changing. Keep working on it.

--

The sun died.
No one knew when, not even the teachers. All Mikhail knew was that the days were gray and grim and always had been; would probably always be. Of course, it could be that beyond the Walls the sun still shone. He wished he could see it, could understand what it was that made Harelip Jess get all misty-eyed. She’d seen pictures, she said. How and when and from who she never said, but he believed her.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





User avatar
273 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 273
Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:58 pm
Lost_in_dreamland says...



I like it! It intrigues us and makes us want to read more, I especially love the first line :D
I'm going to post the same one again.

I am Olivia. I am Olivia, I do proclaim my wishes to one day bear the name that I do not yet esteem my own. The thing is, I can still go back there, upon that eve, I can still recall it all:

I am Jane, I’ve always been Jane, for without Jane I am nothing. It remains a matter of pertinence, that of remaining true to myself, this, perhaps, has been both my making and my undoing, for it is not a task done without spirit. Father told me of spirit, on his last days, for his breath upon the wind was all I longed for. I did not care for the city fellow, nor the country squire, I’d rather court my father. For that I was regarded a most strange child by all but father; for father was a man true to his virtues and values down to the bottom of his shoes, I, he believed, was a most spectacular girl, one that believed in truth and thrived on ardour, perhaps not one with whom the bell tolls from inside, rather the one to carry the bell, the one to deliver destiny to those that possessed it. I was never one to go for glory, I rather believe that acquaintance is of more desire than authority. For being in possession of authority is certainly a fine thing, whether it be land or people &c. yet to be the acquaintance of one in authority, finer still, for to have that air of childish anticipation about one’s self, excitement and joy. To that I shall happily oblige.
for what are we without words and stories?
  





User avatar
245 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 2570
Reviews: 245
Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:32 am
LowKey says...



I love the first two lines. Draws you in. The actual first paragraph was brilliant, but the continuing repetition of the "I am ___" in the second paragraph throws it off a bit. Might want to tweak it a bit.

Ryle collapsed on his bed, the impact forcing a 'huff' out of his body as he tossed an arm over his eyes. At sixteen, the boy was already middle aged. Deep circles were carved under his eyes, his lids blue from lack of sleep, his posture slumped and wearied. He didn't move when he heard the quick tap on his door, nor when the door scraped open and clicked close. Were it the Kray himself come to announce a change of heart, Ryle didn't think he'd be capable of movement.
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
  





User avatar
59 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 59
Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:15 pm
Phantomofthebasket says...



Hmmm...
It sounds interesting. I would most definately read farther.

Darren’s eyes followed the woman intently from behind the newspaper as she walked past him. She looked so… so… flamboyant. How could that be, when, just last night, she was turning him away? He had loved her; he had given her his heart and, in return, crushed it right in front of him.
Phantom's Contest Basket <--Make me happy and join my contest! Due date: August 15th!
Phantom's Reviewing Basket <--Need a review? Go here and ask!
  





User avatar
675 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 28467
Reviews: 675
Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:42 pm
lilymoore says...



All of that just seems very crule and my heart aches a little. Then I remember that he's staulking her from behind a newspaper. And I sorta want to see her not wake up in a dumpster with no pants on the next day.


She tumbled to the ground like a star dropping from the sky and connected with the earth in a crumpled tangle of milky white flesh and cobalt silk. Though she indeed looked quite dead, for she should have been under the circumstances, an ominous presence hung over her as if at any second her eyes would flutter open, air would fill her lungs, and her body would acquire animation.
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 1122
Reviews: 150
Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:52 pm
200397 says...



Some excellent word choice. I really liked it, and I could picture it clearly. Only problem was the first sentence: a little too long. Maybe break it up? Other than that I liked it a lot. I'd probably keep reading if it were a book. :D

*****

My heart didn’t break when I saw Melissa Andrus talking to the handsome figure that was Derick Meierwitz across the pool at the mall. Not like I thought it would, anyway. For one, my love for Derick was unrequited, so his talking and laughing—and tenderly touching—another girl didn’t hurt me as much as if he’d devoted himself to me in the first place. Which he didn’t.
But it hurt enough.




~Sunny
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Sat Apr 04, 2009 6:33 pm
Twit says...



Quite cool, very nicely written, and if I liked romance, it'd probably be a great hook. I don't like romance, but I'd still probably read on at least a little way and see what happens. :)

---

There were flames in my feet.

At least, that’s what it felt like. Dancing flames in my dancing feet, roaring and leaping, fed by the wind and the straw. Straw that slipped under me, pricked my toes; separate, stabbing little shards like the notes of the violin playing outside the cage.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  








If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec