Young Writers Society

Okay! I'm stealing this thread a bit over from AbsoluteWrite, because it's been very helpful and very interesting.

Here's the basic idea. In many cases, if you go around and do some research of publishers, agents and other professionals in the writing world, you'll find that the first three lines of a novel/story hold huge importance; so much so that many manuscripts have been rejected based on them alone.

So in this thread, we're going to try to help each other to make those first three sentences the best possible. Trust me, regardless if you're ever planning to publish or not, this excercise can be useful to you. You might even be surprised how much can be seen from the first three sentences alone!

Rules

* You can post your three opening sentences-- ONLY your first three sentences. If you want, you can provide a bit of context (such as "this is an sf story and the opening is a prologue" or whatever)
* Similarly, provide critiques on the first three sentences, even if the author has accidentally posted more. Maybe the main point comes across only in the fourth, but that's not the point.
* It's okay to post more than once, but try not to clutter the thread and offer as much feedback as you ask for.
* When providing feedback, be as detailed as you'd like (the more the better, but that doesn't mean every typo needs to be edited along with a 1000-word long critique ). Mention if you'd keep reading or not and explain why.
* You can reply to a critique by posting an updated version, or by smiling and saying thank you; if you want to discuss it further, please take it to PMs. Asking for clarification is fine, though. If you want to argue or insult the person, this thread wasn't a good choice in the first place, so please don't think of doing that
* This isn't a "review the post above you" kind of thread; it's okay to post your own sentences without critiquing the previous ones (but don't do it often, and critique the next ones that come along, 'cause that's fair), it's okay to only give critique and not share your own openings, it's okay to critique more than one submission at once and it's okay to skip the one straight above you and critique the one before it even if it's already gotten a critique.
* Suggestions are, of course, fine!
* It's optional, but nice, to thank your critics in some way. Since no one will get points for commenting in this thread, maybe think of donating them some, or reviewing their works, or sending them a cute gift via PM. Remember that people like to critique those who take it well and treat their critics well

~
As a helpful note, it's a vaguely general concensus that the first three opening lines should contain a character, somewhere, doing something. Not necessarily in that order. However, many stories are exception to this rule, and there's no saying what goes and what doesn't until you try it and dare to test the waters.

Let me start. I have two, actually; for the same thing, but alternate beginning points.
They're for a story I might or might not eventually submit to a magasine (if I finish it, heh). It's a sort of dark fantasy, novelette-length, and (which is completely irrelevant for the opening but whatever) features two male protagonists in a complicated relationship.

Version One:
“Straighten up.” His grandmother’s voice cut through the air more sharply than the whips through his skin the evening before. Nicodeo clenched his teeth and pushed his shoulders back, the golden chain that held his cloak pressing against his throat.

Version Two:
The very first image Nicodeo remembered was that of the snowflakes catching onto the purple velvet of his grandmother’s winter coat. From up close, where he was the only one who could see it, they seemed almost alive, catching onto the fabric and landing on top of each other as if in an attempt to build a castle upon it; but then they melted and disappeared, too quickly to be saved, leaving behind just a faintly darker smudge that quickly dried so close to the flames.
They were the other thing he remembered; the flames.
^

Alrighty, go on. I'll be giving some points as thank you, I have way too many anyway

Let's keep this thread going, shall we?

If I had to choose between your two beginnings, I'd lean strongly towards your first. For many reasons, the first one being that the story starts in the midst of conflict between Nicodeo and his grandmother, which--right off the bat--offers your reader a chance to better know your protagonist. With conflict comes character development. Just that simple entrance--"Straighten up."--propels the story along from the very start, giving us an insight to Nicodeo's seemingly complicated relationship with his grandmother. It also showcases Nic's ability to react differently to different situations. I find myself wanting to read to find out what happens to resolve the fight (as well as what happened to cause it).

Whereas with the other beginning--while the description was lovely--doesn't offer that same punch. It has that very nostalgic, stream-of-consciousness vibe. It reminds me of something that I would write, honestly, and as a writer I might be prone to choose your second beginning. Just because of the fact that I--as a writer--admire the coalescence of words. Narrative sprees are a pleasure for me to dig into. But as a reader, it's nothing I will immediately fall in love with. If you enter with the first option, the vignette persuades me to read further and with a purpose, wherein I could potentially fall in love with the full story.

The description is fantastic, but if I were you I might put it later in the novel, and instead open the book with a gripping hook.

I hope that proved somewhat helpful. I'm interested to see how your story turns out once it's finished.

(Also, no points necessary for this. I'm happy to help for free. )

--

These three sentences begin my newest dystopian novel idea. In general summary, it's about a girl who depends on and falls under the leadership of someone she doesn't know, and eventually decides that she will stop at nothing to determine his true identity. The first chapter takes place about ten years before the rest of the novel, wherein the "incident" occurs--the one which sets my MC's story into full motion.

I'll love whoever helps me forever. (& I also might give them a present of some kind; not too sure what yet)

Rain poured from the sky in a raging torrent, soaking the earth and streaming through the gutter of Uncle Tom's. Pierre Kenton was a thoughtful man, and by that it wasn't implied that he cared overtly for the wellbeing of those around him. Rather, he found it necessary to instill meaning in even the most elemental of things.

This looks like a great idea.

@ChildOfNowhere, just wanna say that I like Version One better.

@Savvy, the first sentence is a pretty good image. I generally think it's good when stories start off with a name like this (name of a person, establishment or any name exclusive to the story). This way the reader is thrown into the world of the story straight away, and even though it's a small question, right now I want to know what kind of place "Uncle Tom's" is.

Like I said, the first sentence provides a really good image. However, I think it would be more complete if you added an adjective to "sky", something that would give the reader an idea of what time of day it is / how dark it is outside. I just think this would improve the image of the raging rain torrent. Other than that, it's great.

In the second sentence, "and by that it wasn't implied" is in the passive voice. For me this suggests that someone other than the narrator called Pierre "thoughtful" at some point. Although the way you already have it sounds well, a possible alternative would be "Pierre Kenton was a thoughtful man, though not the kind who cared overtly for the well-being of those around him." I just wanted to point that out.

In the third sentence, you elaborate on what is actually implied by "thoughtful". I think this is a great play on the word thoughtful, and it delivers essential starting information about Pierre's character. The sentence gets straight to the point, though maybe you could have used "rudimentary" instead of "elemental". But this way's good too.

Next, I would like to point out that you've clearly given these sentences a lot of thought. They sound and flow really well, are well-written, and portray a solid image for an opening. However, depending on what the following sentences are, and what their position in the paragraph is, I would suggest that you try having the first sentence in a paragraph of its own. That being said, the rain gives off a feeling of chaos, so definitely keep it this way if refers to Pierre's personality or his state of mind.

Finally, the quality of giving meaning to the most basic of things sounds like something you could use to create a lot of humour, or just have an interesting character. So, I'd definitely be interested in reading more.

If you'd like for me to read more, feel free to send it to me. If there's only one chapter, I'll respond by the end of the day, and if there's more, I'll only respond about the first chapter today, and I'll do the rest by Saturday.

Also, you don't have to give me any presents.

~

The following are the three opening sentences from the first chapter of my fantasy novel. The novel places a large focus on villains and villainry (if that's a word). I don't usually post about it, but here we go. Let me know what you think:

"Are we safe?" Alric asked with unease.

He was almost forty, and freshly thrown into the world of wrinkles. Usually well groomed and highly presentable, he was now standing in the snowy alley behind his house, bearded, with grown-out hair, torn clothes and a black eye.

@candywizard thanks so so much
and you're getting a present so deal with it

@CandyWizard

Sentence 1: There's a lot of debate over whether it's okay to start with dialogue or not. The major drawback is that there's no context. I think dialogue openings work best when they say something really unexpected or intriguing. In your case, since it's immediately specified Alric is speaking, I don't feel lost. But I also don't feel hooked by the first line alone--I'm waiting to get to the next bit to find out anything about the situation.

Sentence 2: I love the voice of this one, but it doesn't make for a good follow-up of sentence one. In an area of the book where we're still trying to get the reader invested in what's happening, it's dangerous to delay the hooks. The voice can definitely help you out there. But IMO it might be better to move this sentence lower down, once the actual scene/action/event has been established.

Sentence 3: Aha, snowy alley! There's something concrete (and I looove snowy settings for some reason). I generally recommend against describing too much about a character the moment they come on screen, because that's not usually the interesting or important part. Especially since we're in his POV, *he* wouldn't be standing there thinking about his beard or torn clothes or black eye. He'd probably be thinking about the crazy person who just ran off, or whatever, right? A *friend* would notice those appearance differences right off, but if we're in his head, at best he's probably feeling his eye smarting, feeling the cold wind through a tear in his shirt, but not standing there thinking about appearances, since I think he's got bigger stuff on his mind.

---

I don't know if it's fair of me to post mine. I would prefer your opinions as readers as opposed to writers, I think You've randomly grabbed it off the shelf and flipped to the first page. (And I have lots of points to share, so specify if you want a gift or points themselves, or else I will choose for you--I don't care if you say you don't need it hehehe)

Iari drew a shaky breath and checked the time, dark digits that glowed against the frosted glass of the lounge window. 7:92. Eight minutes until he betrayed his best friend.

My opinion as a reader as opposed to a writer --

Overall: It draws me in, however, it's melodramatic enough that I'm more likely to read on just to see if "betrayal" is the right verb or if you're overstating the beginning conflict here. I can't stand melodrama or contrived beginning conflicts, especially ones that are obviously made up by the authors to grab a reader's attention.

Bit by bit:

1 - why do you need to describe the clock? Even if it is a futuristic/sci-fi clock. If you feel the need to do so, try to do it more fluidly. As you have it now, it's awkward, as it comes between the fluidity of "Iari checked the time. [It was] 7:92." and the phrasing itself doesn't feel very smooth to me.

Also, "dark digits that glowed" feels paradoxical to me. Either describe it better or don't describe it at all, in my opinion.

2 - intriguing. Not much else to say; it's not much of a sentence. I like the implication of different systems of measuring time, and I'd be curious to see if it was developed without a giant worldbuilding infodump.

3 - Again, my explanation about the melodrama and that being what would make me hesitant yet obligated to read on. If it turned out to be real conflict, I might keep reading, or I might decide the style isn't my thing. If it was melodrama, I'd put the book down right away, honestly.

- - -

The best way to pick a strawberry is to gently pinch it off of its stem with two fingers and allow it to roll into your hand. Once you hold three or four, gently place the berries in your picking basket; be careful not to throw or drop them any distance. To pull the berry off the stem or to treat it badly ruins the fruit, and if the overseer catches that, you get lashed until your back is more blood than skin.

Ah, Lareine! That is wonderful!

1 & 2: I'm going to critique these as one. They contain the ways of handling strawberries, but I still having the feeling something bad would happen. My gut says the rather serene steps would lead to something not so serene, and I think these two sentences work perfectly to build the tension. The reason I won't stop at sentence number one is because I want to know what would happen next, and as I finish the three sentences, I'm completely intrigued.

3: Slavery? That's what make think of the 'you', and the nature of this sentence alone opposes the one before it, which makes for a splendid surprise. I seriously want to read more; I mean, surely in this modern world, you wouldn't be 'lashed' if you do something wrong, so I'm curious as to what world the novel is set in.

- - -

Today, events that completely defied any logical reason happened, Jasnah wrote, the pencil making a low scratching noise on the blank page. Dafina forced me to answer her question during recess time, when I was eating with my friends. I didn’t want to answer it - how would I, when, after I denied my attraction on her boyfriend, was asked how I managed to make him avoid her?

@SirLight

I'll be the first to admit that I can't exactly...understand the way these sentences are phrased. It took me a few reads and parsing the sentences to understand what's going on here, so as far as English literature goes, it's not exactly drawing me in. However! That's not necessarily a bad thing, because it gives you a solid starting point for editing. I know you speak English as a foreign language, so my advice for you is this: When you feel like revising your work, seek out a native speaker and ask them to help you find awkward spots to edit for clarity.

Other than that, let me take your sentences apart a little.

So Jasnah is writing in a journal of some sort, I assume. While this is a decent way to show us what's happening inside of your character's head, you could do the same thing without having your main character actually write it down. For example:

This was beyond all logical reason. Jasnah looked up from [their] lunch at Dafina, who had dug her heel into the ground with the stubbornest pout [they] had ever seen. "How did you..." [etc., etc.]

By doing this, you show the reader exactly what happened, jump into the action, and give us the character's reaction in the moment rather than afterwards. (I'm also not sure what your main character's gender is, so I put [they/their] instead, haha.)

I think that actually sums up what I feel is weakest about these lines. It's not so much a problem with the language or with the character -- it's that we don't see what's happening. We don't see how Dafina acts, we don't see what kind of person Jasnah is, we don't see the conflict and the tension between them and the boyfriend involved.

Don't be afraid to put us into the scene! Show us what's going on, and we'll be so far embroiled into the story it'll be hard to take us out.

- - -

Context: Modern urban sci-fi/fantasy.
Title: Melt.

The city was a slaughterhouse. Lilli fought to breathe as she pushed through the crowds, elbowing anyone who dared to get in her way. Maybe it wasn’t proper etiquette; maybe she didn’t care.

gonna *bump* this and give a different 3 lines to critique:
context: post-nuclear-war, rebuilt society, first person present tense alternative fiction.
title: In the Absence of Stars.

- - -

Life is a bitter orange. You spend all your time cultivating the tree, growing it, watching it, watering it, and then the fruit finally comes into season and you can’t even eat the [darn] thing.

It’s a long, dreary means to a dark, meaningless end.

@Lareine - I love your three for Melt. The juxtaposition of "the city was a slaughterhouse" with worrying about "proper etiquette" really appeals to me, and as a whole the opening definitely intrigues me - what's happening in the city? Where is Lilli trying to go? The line about proper etiquette definitely gives me a bit of an insight into her character background, even before I've had a chance to learn the details, and it's always cool to see little bits of characterisation dropped in with a handful of words.

I like your In the Absence of Stars opening, as well - it's a bit more philosophical, but the imagery is excellent. I'm not sure I'm as fond of your third sentence as the first two, but I'm not certain I can express quite why. I think it's because the first two are a neat pair, making a statement and expanding on it with metaphor, and then the third is a bit separate. I'd certainly read on a little further, to see what was going on here.

- - -

And, just for fun, here's the first 3 lines for an old project of mine:

There is nothing good to be said for being woken from cryosleep on a space freighter that’s about to crash.
The first thing that hits you is the sound - sirens blaring from all sides, before you’re even conscious enough to remember where you are; cryo pods are stabilised, so you can’t feel the turbulence, as the ship plunges through an atmosphere it wasn’t designed to handle, but you sure as hell can hear the roaring - of engines and the air rushing by.
The last thing that hits you is the ground, finally getting that little bit too close - terminally close.

Tantia

To my precious daughter,

This Diary has been in our noble family for seventeen generations. It is given to eldest daughter on their sixteenth birthday so that she may confide her deepest secrets in it. My mother gave it to my eldest sister when she reached sixteen, and now I give it to you, for she can not.


Sorry for not reviewing the one above me. I'm new and not really ready to review yet.

The beginning is kind of dry. There really isn't a claim as to what will be happening later on in the story and the ending of this with 'now I give it to you, for she can not' kind of makes me think that the mother died? But you don't really say who 'she' is. Also, 'Diary' should be lowercased Other than that, I do think if you work on it a bit, it'll be a strong beginning! Just give the reader a hook to grab onto and write the rest to follow.

----

Title: What Happened to Benjamin Marcos?

Details: This bit is the beginning of the prologue and pretty much details his death.

Benjamin Marcos is dead.

His body was found in the kitchen by the maid as Fredrick Damon's party continues to roar outside. Her screams go unnoticed over the music and chatter. The mystery of why he died swirls from the body and upwards to the lights like smoke from a cigarette hanging off a lady's lips.

Title: Frost and Flame

Genre: adventure/fantasy

No beast walked the icy fields of the countryside that morning, neither did the birds give voice to their customary morning praise. Even the most disciplined of men still lay in their beds, hesitant to expose their toes to the bitter cold.

Ariel was not a beast of the field, neither was she a bird, or a man snuggled safely in his warm bed, she was a young woman, standing before her open window, awake and aware.

Critique:

@shaniac

I kinda like it. You make good use of your words to create mystery, and a touch of realism. It feels like a novel I would keep reading.

@Justlittleoleme2

There were some grammatical mistakes. A few of the sentences were worded oddly and that made it confusing for me to read it at first. I had to reread certain parts.

For example,

neither did the birds give voice to their customary morning praise.

I don't really get this. I think you need to reword it.

I really liked the way you set the scene but for some reason I was really underwhelmed when I read that she was a "young woman." I was expecting to read that this character was an "assassin" or something less mundane than a girl looking out her window.

Would I continue to read? Yes.

---

Title: Juno Blackwood (working title)

YA supernatural mystery action that focuses on the friendship between two witches. This is the beginning to the first chapter.

The window above her bed was open. Late April air flooded into the room in floral scented drafts. The rain from the night before had left its crisp scent on the earth.

These sentences are really short! I wish I could add just one more sentence, argh.