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Young Writers Society


Critique game - first three sentences of your novel/story



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7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 11
Reviews: 7
Mon Jun 25, 2018 4:04 am
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youngcamus says...



Title: The Value of Greatness

Plot: A famous musician is confronted with his regrets.

Genre: Existentialist and dramatic.

Sentences:

The cheers were deafening. The spotlight blinding. Backstage was dim and crowded with actors rehearsing their lines dressed in a variety of costumes.




Critique: @dwyn I for one, quite like your short and concise sentences, but what I don't like is your descriptive nature because the descriptions can easily become confusing and may hinder the message.

"Late April air flooded into the room in floral scented drafts." Could easily be shortened to "Late April air flooded into the room" Since we're well aware that flowers bloom in April, it's implied that the air would be perfumed with flowers.
"The rain from the night before had left its crisp scent on the earth."
Now my senses are confused; should I be smelling the earth or the flowers? Both?
  





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40 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 17
Reviews: 40
Fri Jul 06, 2018 3:22 pm
Justlittleoleme2 says...



@youngcamus

Your sentences and descriptions are strong. I can see the picture you are painting well, but I'm feeling a bit confused by what I'm "seeing"..

Blinding spotlights and deafening cheers at a theater right before a performance? I've been to a handful of plays and I can tell you the cheers are anything but deafening. In fact, I'd say theater audiences are incredibly subdued.

The setting you set with your first two lines matches up with a concert very well, but that last line threw me for a loop.

But then, maybe the plays you've been to were just more exciting. Thats certainly a possibility. :D

Would I keep reading? Yes.

@dwyn

There's nothing wrong with you sentences and I like the scene you are setting, but your descriptive word choice is odd.

Instead of smelling late April air after the rain, descriptions like "floral scented drafts" and "crisp scent on the earth" are leaving me with an image of a air freshening commercial.

However, that might just be a word association problem on my part.




Title: The search for Serendipity

Genre: Science Fiction

Sarah's mind was awake, although her body slept. She watched the world twist in a cosmic kaleidoscope of stars through a tiny pinhole of a porthole, her face pressed against the warm red metal of her escaped pod prison.

Every other moment she would see the black twisted rubble of what had been a spaceship and would slam her eyes shut, afraid to see the bodies she knew still floated there.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 7
Reviews: 4
Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:12 pm
DauntlessDagger says...



Hmm...it sounds good, but a little cliche when it comes to science fiction. I would add some tech that you usually don't see in science fiction. A little slow too, but I need every story to start with a bang and most people aren't like that (i think). Other then that I think it's really good, beautiful imagery, I wish I could describe things like that.

My sentences:

Title: Effie

Genre: Sci-Fi, Dyspoian

Callum made a deal with me: a tablespoon of my blood for a lollipop. If I don't cry when he sticks the needle into me I get a cherry-flavored one. I never cry.
Dauntless Dagger
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 7
Reviews: 4
Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:14 pm
DauntlessDagger says...



youngcamus wrote:Title: The Value of Greatness

Plot: A famous musician is confronted with his regrets.

Genre: Existentialist and dramatic.

Sentences:

The cheers were deafening. The spotlight blinding. Backstage was dim and crowded with actors rehearsing their lines dressed in a variety of costumes.




Critique: @dwyn I for one, quite like your short and concise sentences, but what I don't like is your descriptive nature because the descriptions can easily become confusing and may hinder the message.

"Late April air flooded into the room in floral scented drafts." Could easily be shortened to "Late April air flooded into the room" Since we're well aware that flowers bloom in April, it's implied that the air would be perfumed with flowers.
"The rain from the night before had left its crisp scent on the earth."
Now my senses are confused; should I be smelling the earth or the flowers? Both?
Dauntless Dagger
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 247
Reviews: 3
Sun Nov 10, 2019 1:23 pm
MapleLeafSunset says...



Title : The Sword Sharpener

Genre : Adventure I guess, no real specific genre

Context : A story about a young blacksmith who desperately wants to smelt as sword and accidentally causes a war because of that urge

——
Two mud smothered children and a rather droopy looking bloodhound puppy, cocooned in grime and muck, squelched through the icky dun ooze. Once, this place had been a haven for wild flowers and lush green grasses, now it was a wasteland. The remnants of battles passed surrounded them, discarded swords, broken arrows that never hit their target, and grumose sights that should most likely not be described for the sake of the sensitive ears and minds of children.

(Yes this is the beginning, and yes I write long sentences )

Critique :

@DauntlessDagger

I absolutely LOVE the beginning. There’s just something so disturbing about the childlike nature of the protagonist, contrasting with what is actually happening.
I’m instantly intrigued and really, really want to know more about what is happening and why. There’s not large amounts of flowery vocabulary, but it is simple and to the point, which works amazingly with character you are trying to present.
There’s just something so chilling and gripping about it, and I love it
  





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212 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 13426
Reviews: 212
Wed Aug 11, 2021 8:46 pm
WinnyWriter says...



Seems like this thread has kinda died lately, but it's a great idea, so allow me to revive it.

I'm tagging @ForeverYoung299 - our featured member as of right now - to critique and post something of their own, which I will in turn comment on in order to revive this thread. :)

So without further ado, my three opening sentences:

"They say that Limburger cheese is actually pretty good if you can get past the awful smell. I've never tried it for myself, but if it's true, then I would definitely compare my senior year of high school to Limburger cheese - meaning, it kind of stunk, but once you look beyond that, it wasn't so bad after all. Unfortunately, learning to recognize the good can be a difficult process."


---
Thanks for the feedback!
  





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30 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 155
Reviews: 30
Sun Jan 09, 2022 8:24 am
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NewHope says...



Hello WinnyWriter,

I really enjoyed your metaphor, it gives an excellent humourous start to proceedings. I hope the rest of the story will be that good.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Beware of the Light
Genre: Horror; Supernatural
Section: Prologue (You can see the rest of my prologue in my portfolio on my profile.)

Drip. Drip. Drip. The water cried out as it hit the floor, hardly wetting the knobbly, white walls. He stared at the dripping drops of water watching as they fell silently through the air. A silent, painful echo resounded through his skull each time they finally hit the ground.
  





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4075 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 251013
Reviews: 4075
Mon Jan 10, 2022 11:28 am
KateHardy says...



I think I already did kind of comment on this one @lehmanf but here we go.

This does a pretty good job of really drawing a reader in rather quickly here with the pain being mentioned and just the aura of mystery that it seems to project here as far as that description of water droplets is concerned. It definitely lets you know what genre you're reading and makes you curious to find out more.

*******


Soo...lemme throw in the opening sentences of my novel called "The Sorcerer's of Hisderat."

In the northeast corner of an abandoned courtyard stood several ancient trees. Surrounding them were three massive holly bushes. Tonight, there were four.
Stay Safe
The Princess of Darkness

Hello! You? Yes you reading this. Have a nice day because you're wonderful and you deserve it!

Catchphrase loading. Please Wait...
  





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6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 319
Reviews: 6
Tue Jan 11, 2022 8:38 pm
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StormyZSnifter says...



Greetings HarryHardy! I think that your first three sentences are the perfect mix of description and mystery. As a reader, I immediately want to know why there are four holly bushes, and this is a great way to introduce your story(the first chapter I have already read). The reason behind the extra bush makes those opening lines makes me appreciate it all the more.


. . .

Here's mine... from my lonnggg-running project, the Tale of the Shade Squad.(The first chapter is posted-reviews would be great if anyone's interested!)

April woke up. She was a mouse.
Because, you know, this is that kind of story.

(it gets better with more context, I swear! :S)
“It is well known that reading quickens the growth of a heart like nothing else.”

― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making

"I believe in Cornpy Supremacy."

- Stormy Z. Snifter
  





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659 Reviews



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Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
Sat Feb 26, 2022 5:54 pm
RandomTalks says...



Hello @StormyZSnifter!

I really like your use of short sentences and the effect they create almost instantly with their zippiness. You can at once tell that this will be the kind of story with lots of humor and craziness and witty dialogues. It also lightens the mood and sets the tone, preparing the readers for the following ride. Its a great opening, and even without more context, its a story I would want to read.

***

Mine is from a story called 'Her constant' (I promise I will come up with a better title than that!) Its about a failing marriage and the desperate efforts people make when nothing else seems to stick.

"It was strange how many times they found themselves in this same position - sitting across each other, and going about their day as if the silence did not matter. As if, it didn't press around them and follow them back into their separate rooms when they retired for the night with a half-mumbled good night.

She wondered about it sometimes - the silence."
“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it’s no worse than it is.”

― Margaret Mitchell
  





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60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3296
Reviews: 60
Tue Mar 08, 2022 4:22 am
PoetryMisfit says...



Hi @Charm

Your sentences are very descriptive, invoking the sense of smell really well through phrases such as: the "floral scented drafts" and "crisp scent" of the earth. As for opening lines though, they weren't compelling enough to keep me reading. If anything, I would say your writing style is the only thing that would compel me to read further. As such I have some suggestions that you can take as you will:
1. Description only works as an opening line if it is something out of the ordinary. Perhaps you can utilize the supernatural element and describe something common to that world but bizarre to ours for its supernatural nature. That will also better establish the tone of your story and set it apart from other pieces.
2. Naming the character would help the reader to connect more with her and ultimately your story. Doing so provides a clear focal point for who to focus on and gives more realism to her so your character is not just an obscure "she".
3. The most compelling opening lines start out amidst conflict or some type of action from the character. The reader is immediately thrust into the action, which makes the setting and character(s) involved read like they've existed all along and the story is merely a snap shot into their lives.

*** I can tell you are a very descriptive writer and well acquainted with imagery, but the opening lines just need a little more meat on their bones.

‐-------------------------

Title: The Glass Coffin
Genre: fantasy, literary fiction
(the writing style is inspired majorly by Hans Christen Anderson and the Grimms Brothers).

"Deep in an ancient forest, there lay a beautiful girl in a glass coffin. Peacefully reposed in an enchanted slumber her eyes were open but unseeing, and ruby lips parted but not breathing.
A tiny glass bottle on a silver chain sat upon her chest, containing an elixir blessed by the magic of the Moon."
  








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