z

Young Writers Society


Title Feedback [2]



User avatar
378 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Other
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
Thu Feb 02, 2017 2:29 pm
Omni says...



@Mea I dunno, it sounds like a cheesy scary story to me, which may be what you're going for. "Ghost" when used as an adjective just screams to me as a children's story, y'know? I like haunted or spooked (lol if you used "Spooked Bus" that'd be amazing do it) or something else for something more complicated. Although this seems to me that it's going to be something of a short story. I think, if you're heading for something that's comedic, then it's on the dot and I love it XD

---

Harbingers of Revolution: Quarantine
This account proudly supports lgbtq* rights.

sass levels loading




[he/him]
  





User avatar
472 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 25
Reviews: 472
Sun Feb 19, 2017 2:48 pm
Lightsong says...



Well, I had to search up what Harbingers meant, and I think that's not a good sign because then your intended readers would be those who speak English as their native languages (I'm not). The term does sound fantastical, however, so perhaps replaced it with another that is universally understood? I also can't see the connection between Revolution and Quarantine, sound contradictory to me, and the ' : ' just screams trilogy to me. xD I'll check it out depending on the blurb though, because as a whole it gives me the epic fantasy vibe.

---

Fallen Deities
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





User avatar
425 Reviews



Gender: Gendervague he/she/they
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
Mon Feb 20, 2017 1:53 am
View Likes
Vervain says...



It feels a little clunky. You could say Fallen Gods or Fallen Demigods or something the like and it would have the same meaning with a feel that's more uninterrupted by the thesaurus. "Deities" just feels stiff and unnatural.

On a more reader-oriented note, I don't know how interested I would be in this title (or the alternatives). There are only so many ways to do and redo the idea of gods and demigods and the like falling to earth, and while I'd be interested to see if it follows a more Abrahamic faith (like the idea of angels falling) or a polytheistic faith as far as the theme goes, I'd probably be hesitant to pick it up. After all, there are plenty of books that deal with the concept of gods -- in fantasy worlds and the modern era -- that I could read instead.

What sets Fallen Deities apart from American Gods or something else in that genre?

- - -

The Garden of Proserpine
stay off the faerie paths
  





User avatar
425 Reviews



Gender: Gendervague he/she/they
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:23 am
View Likes
Vervain says...



"I find," the author mocks their own title, "that it's stuffy and rather vague. It gives little idea of the actual tone of the story, or the content -- maybe that it's fantasy, or historical fiction, but it relies more on a reference to a more famous work than standing on its own two feet. If it's not strong enough to stand on its own as a title, then how can I put my trust in the story itself?"

- - -

Rites of Passage
stay off the faerie paths
  





User avatar
174 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3255
Reviews: 174
Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:55 am
soundofmind says...



It definitely sounds like a coming of age story, and I'd expect it to be about younger people going through said "rites of passage." I'd expect to read about young people growing into adulthood. It sounds nice in general? It doesn't particularly catch my interest, but that's because I don't prefer to read a lot of realistic fiction. Overall, it sounds nice and seems like a good length! It sounds like it'd be a nice novel.

- - -

The Lost Dragon
Pants are an illusion. And so is death.

  





User avatar
373 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 46306
Reviews: 373
Thu Mar 16, 2017 3:00 am
View Likes
PrincessInk says...



It's probably a fantasy/quest type of story. I can easily picture a medieval setting, and I would probably pick it up and read the blurb in the inside cover. But "lost" seems to kind of a common word in the title, so maybe I'd like something more specific about it.

---

After the Pharaoh's Death
always daydreaming, always clumsy
  





User avatar
425 Reviews



Gender: Gendervague he/she/they
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:15 am
Vervain says...



I'm intrigued by the mention of Egyptian culture, but I have a problem with this title. It's just awkward. The phrasing is clunky and feels pushed together, in my opinion, like you were looking more for "cool fantasy title" than "makes sense as part of the story". Yes, it gives us an idea of the setting and conflict of the story, but there are a few key flaws:

1: I don't know which pharaoh (if historical) you refer to, or what they were like (if fictional).
2: As a result, I don't care about said pharaoh, who is apparently a main driving force of the story.
3: Again, the phrasing is just awkward.

I think it has to do with starting the title with "After". It reads the same as saying "The Pharaoh is Dead" or "The Pharaoh Died" or something like that -- it has no weight to it. It kind of makes it feel a little juvenile, to me. But that's just me.

I don't know, it's something that needs elbow grease in my opinion.

- - -

Living Statues
stay off the faerie paths
  





User avatar
472 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 25
Reviews: 472
Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:03 am
Lightsong says...



I like it. It screams fantasy to me at first reading; further pondering makes me think it can be something more than literal living statues. Perhaps a metaphor for people? What I think is missing here is the atmosphere it brings along. It can be horrifying, adventurous, or romantic for all I know.

---

Hidden Entity
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





User avatar
494 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:57 pm
Holysocks says...



I kinda like it! Entity is such an interesting word- kinda creepy in a way, so it kind of intrigues me and creeps me out at the same time. Hidden also, of course, makes it more mysterious so it definitely makes us wonder what the 'entity' is, how it's hidden, why it's hidden, etc! I think a title that brings up a lot of questions in the readers mind is pretty good because then they want look for the answers. At the same time though, it feels rather dark to me and I'd be worried that it would be one of those novels that's super dark and confusing and depressing. But I think I would pick it out, check out the write-up, and see for myself! ^_^

***

Scream Catcher
100% autistic
  





User avatar
1272 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272
Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:26 pm
Rosendorn says...



I am trying not to cringe at a reference to dreamcatchers, and I'd so very cautiously read to find if it was an interesting twist on the concept of, say, Monsters Inc, or if it was something that was trying to be ancient and religious when it was really missing the mark.

--

Purple Shadows
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





User avatar
425 Reviews



Gender: Gendervague he/she/they
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
Sat Apr 08, 2017 2:11 am
Vervain says...



It seems a little vague to me -- the cover art would probably make or break it. On the surface, just from the title, it could be fantasy or it could be realistic fiction, and the purple could do with either magic or art/color theory of sorts.

I think my main critique is that it takes two rather vague words and combines them into a vague title that doesn't evoke a very strong image (not that Ultraviolet Umbras would, either :P). My point being that rather than refining the diction of the title, perhaps refine the image you're focusing on.

- - -

Nowhere's God
stay off the faerie paths
  





User avatar
373 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 46306
Reviews: 373
Sat Apr 08, 2017 3:09 am
PrincessInk says...



I can kind of sense a new religion; a fantasy god! I'm kind of imagining "Nowhere" as a place or metaphor and the idea is interesting but the flow is, simply put, awkward. Still, I'd probably pick up the book if I saw one with such a title :)

---

The Albatross Guardian
always daydreaming, always clumsy
  





User avatar
23 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1567
Reviews: 23
Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:47 pm
Pomeroy says...



Albatross immediately made me think of Alcatraz, which put a really interesting idea in my head about some large, metal being protecting an island of some sort! I'm a sucker for sentient metal beings, probably because I grew up adoring The Iron Giant, so it pulls on my heart in a way. I would probably look it over and read the description for sure.

(I've never been satisfied with this title, so maybe this will be beneficial?)
After The Fall
"They comprehend but they do not understand."
  





User avatar
560 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 30438
Reviews: 560
Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:19 am
Tenyo says...



First thought; Arthur Miller (most famously known for A View From the Bridge) wrote another play called After the Fall. A lot of things share titles though, I wouldn't worry about that.

It could mean The Fall as in the biblical fall, when mankind first sinned. Or the fall of a character, when a good guy starts on a downward path to something bad. Or some kind of great war (nuclear fall-out.) There are a lot of possibilities it could mean so I guess the cover would be important in defining which one it is.

The Map that Only Tells Lies
We were born to be amazing.
  





User avatar
373 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 46306
Reviews: 373
Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:49 pm
PrincessInk says...



Hmm...fascinating map. I'd probably pick it up, because it makes me think, what kind of maps lie? I'm imagining a map that leads whoever's looking at it astray. And I also wonder about the creator of the map. Why? When? How?

But I felt as though the title was kind of clunky here; I think it needs some tightening up here. I'm not a huge fan of titles that include "that [insert verb nearby]". But the idea behind it is fascinating.

--

Illegal Magic
always daydreaming, always clumsy
  








An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown