Young Writers Society

All I could feel was blood in my mouth and metel.
I was going to die for a crime I did'nt commit my tonge felt like it was being cut off slowly.What uses to be my dress was splattered in blood and
I knew it was not mine.My face was durty with my blood and durt.
My nails had blood on them.If the pain it self was not going to kill me,
bleeding to death will.I had to try to get out but it was no use when I heared a voice call me to stay alive.

As day light approched my dress was clearly gone I had a mirror in front of me and I could see that contraption was still on my facethe metel was all around it was like a metel box I knew it death was before me and this time it took me.

Once again, punctuation, spelling, and grammar are your friends. I'll be happy to fix all your errors again.

Also, I like this much better than your other piece, but I still think you need to add more. I'm a journalist, so I'm going to relate to you the primary rules of journalism and informative writing: The 5 w's and one H. Who, what, when, where, why, and how. Granted, you won't want to fulfill all of those right away because it'll feel like an information dump, but do it in a way that reflects your budding talent. Disguise these things, especially in your exposition. Link them into how your characters interact with other characters and their environment. Develop your characters, develop your plot, add some detail, three pounds of vegetables, and stir. Boil for 15 minutes. Let sit overnight, come back and read later.

What you write seems like a very rough sort of outline. Add more. Elaborate.

kristina wrote: All I could feel was blood and metal in my mouth.
I was going to die for a crime I didn't commit. My tongue felt like it was being cut off slowly. What used to be my dress was splattered in blood and
I knew it was not mine. My face was dirty with my blood and dirt.
My nails had blood on them. If the pain itself was not going to kill me,
bleeding to death would. I had to try to get out but it was no use when I heard a voice tell me to stay alive.

A few quick grammar rules:

1) Apostrophes in contractions go where a letter has been removed.
Did Not
-Incorrect: did'nt
-Correct: didn't

2) Spaces go after a period to separate it from the new sentence.
-Incorrect: The dog was brown.It had four paws.
-Correct: The dog was brown. It had four paws.

3) Tenses: Don't jump between them.
-Incorrect: The dog was brown and it has four paws.
-Correct: The dog was brown and it had four paws.

4)SPELL CHECK IS YOUR FRIEND.

kristina wrote:As daylight approched my dress was clearly gone. I had a mirror in front of me and I could see that contraption was still on my face. The metal was all around. It was like a metal box. I knew it death was before me and this time, it took me.

If you're not sure if a word is one word or two (such as daylight) run it through Google or another search engine.

Also, the word in blue can be completely done away with. It has no place there.

Also, please remember to post in the correct forum. To me, this isn't a storybook story (yeah, that was redundant).

-St. Razorblade

No. Just no.

First of all: posting multiple times is bad, bad, bad. Bad karma. Don't do it.

Secondly: ...oy. I have no idea where to begin. Spelling? Even an eleven-year-old should know how to spell "didn't," "metal," "tongue," "dirty," "itself," "heard," "approached"... and it's sincerely discouraging that I had to list that many words, for such short posts. Punctuation? Commas are your friends, and you are, in fact, allowed more than one period per post. Also, two spaces before the beginning of every new sentence, dear. I don't even know what else to tackle in that category... except maybe to advise you to buy a book on grammar. Please. Please.

With sugar on top?