Young Writers Society

Listeners, I have received a message from Old Woman Josie. She was out with the angels taking a walk when she came across a man in a tan jacket. She says his features were very hard to place, but he was carrying a briefcase that seemed to be buzzing. The man in the tan jacket apparently stopped when he bumped into one of the angels.
Now, listeners, I know what you're thinking: If you bump into an angel, of course you stop! You should apologize or make an offering of your closest loved one. But listeners, the man in the tan jacket did not do either of those things. Old Woman Josie reports that he stared at the angel, whose name was Erika, and pushed past her. That is just rude!
More on the man in the tan jacket once he is sighted again.

Listeners, reports have been coming in of a recently-discovered disease, resulting in people being unable to say a certain word. Victims of this new plague claim that the word in question is different for each person, but they are generally important, and always come at an inopportune time. Let's hope we all keep safe and unaffected by this affectation.

In other news, the City Council has issued an emergency warning to all citizens to, at all costs, and on peril of mutilation, death, and/or eternal condemnation, stay away from

And now for a word from our sponsors.

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Carlos phoned the studio a bit earlier to discuss the phenomenon of vanishing vocabulary (POVV for short, listeners.) According to a young intern at the lab, POVV was experienced by the exploratory team during the first coming of the Glow Cloud, during the Figures of Ash Beach, and of course during the investigation of the pit behind the vacant lot that was once a Ralph's.

He said to me: "Cecil, I've been thinking about your habit of incarceration and how you always manage to make it out before the shoe falls. I wanted to tell you that I can't wait to...to..."

See, listeners? From the mouths of babes.

Let's have a quick chat about the lights.

You know the lights. They're always there. In the sky. Shining. Why are they there? Are they alive? Will they threaten your children? These are common questions regarding the lights. We remind you that these lights only exist at night. They will not affect you if they believe you are sleeping. Pretend to sleep, listeners.

Some people wonder if these lights have to do with the strange alternate dimension issue we suffered last month, in which multiple timelines collided with each other, and we saw other Night Vales. Do not worry, they do not. We say so, and therefore it is true. Thank you.

Listeners, I hate to be melodramatic and cause melodrama like a melodramaqueen, but if I may add a scosche of spice to our ongoing story...the secret police and the secret secret police have taken my brother-in-law, Steve Carlsburg, to a holding cell for what he has just called "The Graham Cracker Treatment". I believe this may hold a match to Steve's recent experiment regarding the dog park.

Damn you, Steve! If only you would abide by the simple bylines that all others Night Valeans adhere to like Glow Cloud Glue, our family wouldn't be fracturing like this! Listeners, if you have any inclination or history with the Graham Cracker Treatment, please call the confidential line to the radio station to speak with me live on the air, where all I'll need is your name, address, and next of kin.

Comedy is an error in the existence of humanity.

The Sheriff's secret police would like to inform you that silly string is now banned in Night Vale due to recent eagle infestations. The silly string has been attractiong the eagles to every perceivable nook and cranny in Night Vale, and as the Sheriff's secret police happen to live in those nooks and crannies, the company is not appreciated. Like, would you want a gigantic bird with several legs and multiple rows of teeth in your living room? Would you?!

Listeners, according to Mr. Rife of Saltplains Dairy Productions, he doesn't like to talk about himself. He says that he thinks that it makes him boastful and not the sincerely humble man that he truly is. He also claims that Saltplains, being the biggest dairy production in the entire area, is making him the richest man ever lived.

The Sheriff's secret police are warning you not to be surprised at the screams that occur in Saltplains Dairy Productions tonight.

Breaking news, listeners. We don't know what the news is, because it has the potential to break us, our will, our unity as a species. But we know it's pretty breaking news. Like, wow, very, very breaking.

Scientists are currently investigating this breaking news, to hopefully understand it better, maybe even to break it to us, no pun intended. Personally, I think this is a bad idea. If some otherworldly being that's definitely not more omnipotent than the glow cloud--hail--decides we are too young and weak of a species to learn the truth, what the breaking news is, then I suggest we accept this decision as the closest thing to truth.

In other news, there is still that disease mentioned earlier. No new advancements have been made on it, since we got distracted by that breaking news thing.

And now, dear listeners, a word from our sponsors.

Imagine that you are sitting home alone. You hear a knock at the door. You are posed with two choices. At this point, you could either creep down the hallway towards the door, or hide under the table, a lone piece of furniture within the house. You decide to go for the door. You open the door. Immediately, you feel a rush of cold air enter the house that you are in. What have you done? Why did you open the door? It is so cold. So very very cold. So cold that it gnaws at the sinews of reality. Everything goes black.

This message is sponsored by Empty Void Air Conditioner Repair Inc.

The Glow Cloud (all hail our gaseous and benevolent overlord who controls our every thought) released a statement through the PTA. Today, a man walked into the station today, without invitation or permission. He just walked in. The man was stroking a dead animal. An ermine, maybe? Or a rabbit? His eyes were all white and glowing, and multicolored smoke streamed from his eyes and mouth, so I knew he spoke for the Glow Cloud (all hail).

"Bow before the mighty Cloud," he rasped, choking out more cloud essence. "All hail. All hail. ALL HAIL!"

He then elaborated that the Glow Cloud (all hail) has been concerned with the rising number of students who wear hats in school. A new policy states that any children henceforth and into eternity who wear hats in school will be tossed into the void, condemned to plummet forever through inky darkness. So kids, no more wearing hats in your school.