Hey, I just read your post— it looked great! I’ve almost finished with mine. I need to run it through grammarly and look it over one more time, and then it’ll be up. It’s a different style than yours in that I write in 3rd person past, and Xozinath is writing down everything that happened with some... creative narrative commentary.
he/she/they
winter you are an adorable bean and I love your bad social awareness xD ~Omni omni played robin hood, stole winter's brain cell ~Silver winter is the only person who would survive the machine uprising ~Europa
Oh, sounds interesting! Sometimes I write in a similar way, but normally I do it the way with Risius. I should've run mine through grammarly, but normally the only thing it does is get mad because I use non-english words. XD Can't wait to see yours!
One thing for everyone, don't choose "12:30" for your letter. Change it to something around that time. Harpocrates doesn't want yall showing up at the same exact time, saying the same exact thing.
Alrighty, Xozinath's first post is up! Please tell me what you think and I'm always open to (constructive) criticism (and compliments if you have any XD). Feedback in general is great with me. So yeah! I'm excited for this.
he/she/they
winter you are an adorable bean and I love your bad social awareness xD ~Omni omni played robin hood, stole winter's brain cell ~Silver winter is the only person who would survive the machine uprising ~Europa
Criticism: I havent read it yet, but i saw a few pieces and it looks awesome. "Topaz-Proof Glass" caught my eye. XD Compliment: I cant wait to read it when I have a minute!
I love it. Just finished your Post and all I can say is: Amazing Job! Your writing style is great! One thing though, your cussing is wrong. Yes, you heard me right. Do you think a demon would say "what the hell"? Does a human say "what the earth?"
no. In my story, I used "Flowers and ash." That is a new one referring to the descent. However, you can be creative and do something like, "what the heaven?" or something. have fun with it.
onward.
Second, you did awesome with your "commentary". I think it's awesome, but you took a very long time to actually do the story. I recommend that you weave it in a bit better, rather than having an info dump like that
I like the lore you did as well, fleshing out the demons. I don't think I saw anything wrong there, in fact I saw a lot of stuff I hadn't thought about.
Third, your character was a lot of fun to read about, and I think they and Risius will get along splendidly.
Oh wait, one thing. you repeat a lot, and this goes along with what I already said before, but I think if you condense a bit, tone down the commentary, it could flow a lot better.
So that's my review! Choose what you want, and decide if you will apply it on the next post!
This first post, for me and readers was really just a way to get a feel for Xozinath’s personality. After all, there’s not much action in receiving a letter and going to an address. I decided to add a lot of commentary as a way to showcase their personality. They actually address the oversharing at one point and say “well you’re the reader, so you’re just going to have to suffer through it” or something along those lines. Xozinath will definitely not be infodumping in most of their posts, but since it was the first that they were writing for their “report”, I decided they might do it a bit at the beginning. For future posts where there’s more action, there will be way less commentary, though there still will be some stricken lines as a running theme.
Also, the idea that cursing would probably be different is something that hadn’t occurred to me. I’ll definitely edit my post when I have time and keep that in mind for future ones! : D
he/she/they
winter you are an adorable bean and I love your bad social awareness xD ~Omni omni played robin hood, stole winter's brain cell ~Silver winter is the only person who would survive the machine uprising ~Europa
Hmmm... Okay, I've been eyeing this storybook for a while... it sounds super interesting, and both the posts so far are incredible... buut unfortunately I think I'll be pretty busy until Monday at least. Are you guys okay with me joining, but not really doing much for a bit? If so, I think I have a human character in mind... (would forearm implants (edit: oops yup prosthetics XD) make sense? I'm kinda envisioning a character with storage compartments in their arms, but let me know if that's not realistic or anything ^-^)
Last edited by Spearmint on Fri Apr 16, 2021 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
@Spearmint No, it sounds awesome! Lots of stuff can be real. Although, it would be a prosthetic, not an implant I will reserve a spot for you, and just send me your character. Once thats apporved, make a post when your ready.
Just popping in to see how things are coming! @Ignorance are you up to post next? : )
he/she/they
winter you are an adorable bean and I love your bad social awareness xD ~Omni omni played robin hood, stole winter's brain cell ~Silver winter is the only person who would survive the machine uprising ~Europa
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