Young Writers Society

Home » Roleplay Main » Community » Out-of-Character Discussion

The Descent Discussion Topic



User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 3:22 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



Phew, it took a bit longer than I thought, but Risius's first post is up.
Hope you like it!
Tell me what you think if you read it. :)
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Genderfluid
Points: 2982
Reviews: 20
Thu Apr 15, 2021 3:35 pm
View Likes
winterwolf0100 says...



Hey, I just read your post— it looked great! I’ve almost finished with mine. I need to run it through grammarly and look it over one more time, and then it’ll be up. It’s a different style than yours in that I write in 3rd person past, and Xozinath is writing down everything that happened with some... creative narrative commentary.
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 3:38 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



Oh, sounds interesting! Sometimes I write in a similar way, but normally I do it the way with Risius.
I should've run mine through grammarly, but normally the only thing it does is get mad because I use non-english words. XD
Can't wait to see yours!
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:45 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



One thing for everyone, don't choose "12:30" for your letter. Change it to something around that time. Harpocrates doesn't want yall showing up at the same exact time, saying the same exact thing.
:)
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Genderfluid
Points: 2982
Reviews: 20
Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:43 pm
View Likes
winterwolf0100 says...



Alrighty, Xozinath's first post is up! Please tell me what you think and I'm always open to (constructive) criticism (and compliments if you have any XD). Feedback in general is great with me. So yeah! I'm excited for this.
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:43 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



Criticism: I havent read it yet, but i saw a few pieces and it looks awesome. "Topaz-Proof Glass" caught my eye. XD
Compliment: I cant wait to read it when I have a minute!



So it begins....
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:59 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



:D I love it.
Just finished your Post and all I can say is: Amazing Job!
Your writing style is great!
One thing though, your cussing is wrong. Yes, you heard me right. Do you think a demon would say "what the hell"? Does a human say "what the earth?"
:)
no.
In my story, I used "Flowers and ash." That is a new one referring to the descent.
However, you can be creative and do something like, "what the heaven?" or something. :P
have fun with it.

onward.

Second, you did awesome with your "commentary". I think it's awesome, but you took a very long time to actually do the story. I recommend that you weave it in a bit better, rather than having an info dump like that

I like the lore you did as well, fleshing out the demons. I don't think I saw anything wrong there, in fact I saw a lot of stuff I hadn't thought about.

Third, your character was a lot of fun to read about, and I think they and Risius will get along splendidly. :)

Oh wait, one thing. you repeat a lot, and this goes along with what I already said before, but I think if you condense a bit, tone down the commentary, it could flow a lot better.

So that's my review!
Choose what you want, and decide if you will apply it on the next post!

Loved it, and can't wait for the other one. :D
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Genderfluid
Points: 2982
Reviews: 20
Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:06 pm
View Likes
winterwolf0100 says...



Hey! Thanks for all the suggestions!

This first post, for me and readers was really just a way to get a feel for Xozinath’s personality. After all, there’s not much action in receiving a letter and going to an address. I decided to add a lot of commentary as a way to showcase their personality. They actually address the oversharing at one point and say “well you’re the reader, so you’re just going to have to suffer through it” or something along those lines. Xozinath will definitely not be infodumping in most of their posts, but since it was the first that they were writing for their “report”, I decided they might do it a bit at the beginning. For future posts where there’s more action, there will be way less commentary, though there still will be some stricken lines as a running theme.

Also, the idea that cursing would probably be different is something that hadn’t occurred to me. I’ll definitely edit my post when I have time and keep that in mind for future ones! : D
  





User avatar
51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4589
Reviews: 51
Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:15 pm
View Likes
Spearmint says...



Hmmm... Okay, I've been eyeing this storybook for a while... it sounds super interesting, and both the posts so far are incredible... buut unfortunately I think I'll be pretty busy until Monday at least. Are you guys okay with me joining, but not really doing much for a bit? If so, I think I have a human character in mind... (would forearm implants (edit: oops yup prosthetics XD) make sense? I'm kinda envisioning a character with storage compartments in their arms, but let me know if that's not realistic or anything ^-^)
Last edited by Spearmint on Fri Apr 16, 2021 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
~potato artist~
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:18 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



@Spearmint
No, it sounds awesome! Lots of stuff can be real. Although, it would be a prosthetic, not an implant
I will reserve a spot for you, and just send me your character.
Once thats apporved, make a post when your ready.
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:21 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



also, @Ignorance
I just wanted to ask when you are planning on making a post. Not wanting to rush, just trying to plan. :)
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Genderfluid
Points: 2982
Reviews: 20
Tue May 04, 2021 6:59 pm
winterwolf0100 says...



Just popping in to see how things are coming! @Ignorance are you up to post next? : )
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Wed May 05, 2021 1:33 am
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



I believe @Spearmint was also going to post
Zacharias Drake
  





User avatar
51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4589
Reviews: 51
Wed May 05, 2021 4:06 am
View Likes
Spearmint says...



Ah sorry, yeah! I've been a bit busy recently but I'll try to have a post up by Friday! ^-^
~potato artist~
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 45
Reviews: 16
Wed May 05, 2021 2:32 pm
View Likes
JamesPeterson says...



Ok, thanks! :D
Zacharias Drake
  








Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox