Young Writers Society

Hi! This is a short story-type piece of writing that I did a while back. I have a vague idea on how to continue the storyline, but for now I thought I'd share with you the short version. Thanks for reading!

The colors glide around me, the shadows shifting as the car turned and changed lanes. The lights swam over my face, slide past my thirsty eyes. The houses around us were dark, as if asleep along with their inhabitants. The road was quiet, dormant, undisturbed. I felt as if we were trespassing as I looked ahead, the taillights of the car in front of us looking blurred from the fog on the windshield. I looked at my lap, at the camera in my hands. The smooth black, the shiny lens. I clutched it, knowing it was all I would have left soon.
I need to be prepared I thought to myself. I need to be aware, ready for the blow. I need to know what will happen, because it’ll hurt less that way. I felt my heart flutter, as if to remind me that it’ll hurt no matter what.
I looked at his dark outline, his stern face, staring at the road, even though he’s driven it more times that I can count. He looked hurt somewhat, and I started to feel a little better. No, it’s just the light. He looked tired, frustrated. Like he always did. Leaning all he way back, one hand outstretched on the wheel. The irritated driving position. I couldn’t help but notice he was completely still in the silence. As if he liked it, he cherished it. He didn’t like too much talking. He was one with the darkness, the silence. A bat who shunned the sunshine, regretting ever coming out of it’s cave. I quickly looked away, back at the trees hurtling past. I rubbed my thumb over my camera, pleading with myself not to make a fuss. These things happen, it’s a small thing, I can’t let it define me, make me upset.
He sighed as he turned the wheel, as if he heard me thinking. He drove slower on my street, slowest when he pulled into the driveway. The lights were on. I knew they would be. The windows were glowing it seemed like, like a lighthouse against black velvet. The air inside the car was running out, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel my heart beating anymore, it was waiting. Waiting to be broken apart.
“Thanks for driving me home.” I said quietly. I pulled my bag onto my lap, my camera’s strap over my head, my hand on the door handle. I looked at him, but he was in the same position.
“You couldn’t walk home.” He said, not looking at me. I shuddered.
“Right, right. Um...” I looked at the house, the windows occupied black silhouettes, watching. I looked at him again.
His eyes were dark, grim, tired. “This isn’t any of our faults, Charlotte, you know that.”
I swallowed. Door, house, run. My thoughts tumbled over each other, coming too fast, in the wrong order. “I…I guess.”
“It’s just a falling out, it happens all the time, it happens to everyone.”
I looked down at my hands. “Okay.”
He shifted in his seat. “Goodbye.”
I took a deep breathe, and looked up at the sky. “Take care.”
The blast of complete, fresh, pure, freezing air woke me up. I shut the car door and walked calmly, slowly, up the driveway, up the steps, away from the car. My breath swirled in white puffs, disappearing and appearing again. I fumbled for my keys. The engine revved, and he was gone. I turned and watched. I watched him leave. A mistake, I knew it the moment it happened. But I had seen it, I couldn’t undo it. My heart fluttered again, heavy. I opened the front door, but couldn’t bring myself to walk in. I couldn’t leave this moment, I couldn’t let it pass. He couldn’t go. He wasn’t supposed to go, that’s not how it works. It’s all wrong, and I couldn’t go inside, and except how it happened. I couldn’t go to my bedroom and go to sleep, and wake up the next morning to an empty driveway, and empty mind, numb from the coldness in his eyes.
“Char. Come in, Char. It’s okay.” I looked up and found Chelsea in her pajamas, green eyes bright with worry. I looked down, just standing there helpless in the doorway. She took my hand and pulled me ever so gently into the house, my shoes making soft taping sounds on the glossy tile floor. The door shut. It locked. The lights were dim, and all I could see is her watching me.
“Charlotte don’t look at me like that. Don’t ever look at me like that again. Tell me what happened.”
“He left.” I said, my voice clear. “He’s just gone.”

Hello, Lights! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, this piece has an insane amount of potential. At some parts, the details you used and the way that you described certain things were wonderful. Another thing I like about this was how you revealed just enough information about your character. You made me feel for her, and that's the goal of any writer.

There is only one major problem that I see with this piece. It's very common and fairly easy to fix; I've seen it in quite a few pieces. I'll use a section of this piece to demonstrate my point.

The colors glide around me, the shadows shifting as the car turned and changed lanes. The lights swam over my face, slid past my thirsty eyes. The houses around us were dark, as if asleep along with their inhabitants. The road was quiet, dormant, undisturbed.

You used vibrant verbs and interesting details. I could picture what was going on as I read this. There's only one thing I don't like, and that's the fact that your sentences have the same structure. Each one begins with the word 'the'.

While it isn't an enormous problem in this piece because of the fairly short length of it, I promise that it will become a problem if this turns into a novel. If a reader has to read endless rows of simple sentences beginning with the same words, they will become disinterested. I'm going to edit the above section in a way that I feel is easier to read.

Colors glided around me as shadows shifted and the car turned and changed lanes. Swimming over my face, the lights slid past my thirsty eyes. All around us the houses were dark, as if asleep along with their inhabitants. Undisturbed, the quiet road was dormant.

I know that this isn't perfect, but I feel that it demonstrates my point. If you use different types of sentences and start the sentences in different ways, your writing will become more interesting and easier to read.

All in all, great work! Always keep writing.

-Rose

Hi there...
I'm Nida. And before I review, a piece of advice. Your a writer and what makes you good is firmness. I did see a lot of firmness in the story line and I can even think of a good strong base with the information you have provided. It seems enough. Though, I don't know if I'm wrong but it almost seemed like you were confused. But, that is just a hunch of'course and didn't hinder my reading and my enjoyment. Excellent. Well written, well described. I could feel and see what your MC felt and saw. It is tough and vibrant. I liked it a lot.
Don't loosen up the atmosphere you have created when you continue writing. That has got a strong mysterious hold. The kind that attracts readers.
The reviewer just before said that she disliked that you used the same structure. But, quite honestly I understand why you did. The repeating of 'the' before every line was at a level poetic and had a flow. I liked it. I do use redundancy myself and can quote a lot of writers who do. It is a very strong means of penetrating human mind and especially in story telling it gives logic the kind of interest it wouldn't draw otherwise. You see... To repeat a few here and there is rather smart.

Hi there!
This is fan-freaking-tastic!! Ah-hem *coughs* Yeah, I loved this. Your description was perfect, you really made me feel sorry for Charlotte. Just a few little nitpicks I noticed:

“Charlotte don’t look at me like that. Don’t ever look at me like that again. Tell me what happened.”

That sounds a bit out of place and dramatic.

The lights swam over my face, slide slid past my thirsty eyes

A bat who shunned the sunshine, regretting ever coming out of it’s its cave.

“This isn’t any of our faults, Charlotte, you know that.”

I think this is wrong grammar, but if you did it intentionally, then just ignore me xD

It’s all wrong, and I couldn’t go inside, and except accept how it happened.

That should be 'it was' since the rest of the piece is written in past tense.

I'd also like a little more detail. Why did they break up? Who's Chelsea? Just add a little more info and it'll be golden Keep writing!

Ok so the best part of this for me was the second half. The story is really good, and you turned something really cliche into something that doesn't look cliche and not many writers have the ability to effectively do that. Imagery was good, vocabulary even better. You kind of overuse simple sentences though for me.....

Simple sentences are used for emotional impact, and I'm pretty sure you know that, but they seem misplaced and overused in the story. About half of them were actually effective and fit perfectly. I think one of the things you could do if you reedit this is that you should take out most of the simple sentences towards the beginning and replace it with more showing about characterization and overall more information about the characters. The best way to affect your reader is to develop a great character and THEN put them on a journey of pain.

I REALLY liked this though which is why I wrote so much because I'd love to see it perfected.
You're a naturally great writer and you did a good job with this, just improve it a little bit and you're golden!