Young Writers Society

“You know he liked you when we first moved up here, right?” his sister blabbed.

I gripped the steering wheel and did all I could to keep from showing my surprise. Or from swerving off the road.

I was calm when I replied that I had no clue that he had ever liked me.

“Oops,” she laughed. “Then I probably shouldn’t have said anything.”

She went on about whatever that bit of information had related to from our previous conversation but I had no clue what she was saying.

Instead I was going through every old memory of him interacting with me. I watched each one from a new vantage point. It was like seeing a full puzzle all put together instead of seeing just a pile of pieces. Every bit of support he had ever showed me. The hugs of comfort. Even the teasing. And the arguing. And the full blown word fights where we ended up apologizing after we cooled off out hot heads.

Memories flooded my mind as I drove her to her house. I think I told her good night and that we would hang out again someday very soon. But I would have to check on that when my world stopped shaking. I was baffled. Completely thrown off. How could he like me? Had I actually known it and just not let myself admit it or confront it? I was a complete and utter bitch to him sometimes. I was annoying and frustrating.

He had liked me through all of that.

But wait. Liked. That was past tense. When did he stop? Why did he stop? Was it because of the annoyance and frustrations? Did he get tired of all the arguing and fighting and debating? Was I just lame and he lost interest? Did I push him away? Could I have let him in? Could we have had an actual relationship if I had payed more attention to the signs? Wait! Were there even signs?

The memories repeated. Again. And again. And then more slowly. I hit the slow motion button on every scene that I could remember. Listened closer to every conversation. I was looking for anything that could even slightly be interpreted as a sign.

Then I wondered back to her second comment. Was I supposed to ever know that he had liked me? Why was it so secretive? Why did he hide?

But then again, why had I hid? Why did I not say anything? I had not made any moves. But that was because I thought he hadn’t liked me. But he would have been thinking the same about me.

Maybe.

How would I ever know? I could not go back in time. The past had been lived. We had made the choices to stay quiet about our attractions so many times. The opportunities had been there. Many of them. And all of them we passed up.

Who knew what we had missed? What could be done now? It was over now. He was gone. He had moved last month.

Sleep never came.

At four in the morning, I fired up an email. And prepared it for him. It was short.

“I don’t know if I was ever supposed to know. But since I do, I figured I would even the score and let out my secret as well. You liked me when you were first up here. And I liked you.”

I hovered my shaking cursor over the send button. A bump sent it.

An explosion had replaced my laptop. A big mushroom cloud like those really massive bombs.

"It was like seeing a full puzzle all put together instead of seeing just a pile of pieces"

This is a little awkwardly worded and you use "seeing" twice in the same sentence. I encourage to not use the same word in the same sentence unless it is and or "or" or other conjunctions. So maybe say:

It was like seeing a full puzzle being put together instead of just a pile of pieces.

"Memories flooded my mind as I drove her to her house"

Wait... isn't she your main characters sister? Therefore wouldn't her house be your main characters house as well? If so you should say something more like:

Memories flooded my mind as I drover her to the house. Or maybe say: "Our House"

"had I actually known it and just not let myself admit it or confront it?"

This line is confusing and I'm not sure what you are trying to say here.

"The opportunities had been there. Many of them. And all of them we passed up."

I find this line really funny because usually most people use an overload of commas. But you use an overload of periods lols. Anyways so you should maybe say this:

"The opportunities had been there, many of them, and all each of them we passed up.

"A big mushroom cloud like those really massive bombs."

This was a seriously un-impressive ending for your story. You already talked about the explosion thing and the mushroom cloud part is ok but the "like those really massive bombs" this line bugs the heck out of me. It is my philosophy that the last line or paragraph or even sentence is the most important out of the entire story book or anything. The last line should leave an impact on the reader or in your case make the future clear. It is assumed by the reader that it all just "blew up" as your fantastic metaphor so strongly states. You have a great metaphor set up here and you kinda drop the ball here at the end. Try putting a bigger "WOW' factor in your last sentence. Well thats all I really have to say, this is good so keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

What is WRONG with you? Okay, just kidding. I have to give you a hard time, but you know that.

Hmm...well, you started at a rather climactic point, which is good in that it gives you a ready-made hook to catch your readers with, but on the other hand, well...it takes away from the climax (intended climax) if you begin with another sort of climax.

Also, I think you should maybe get specific about the whole "every bit of support...every hug" thing. (Okay, I know this is based on real life, but for a minute let's suppose it's entirely fictional.) Maybe have the character think back to a specific time when he showed her support, etc.

And I have to say, with all the problems your laptop experiences, I took that penultimate sentence literally for a moment... I imagined Storm exploding in a giant cloud of smoke immediately after you pressed the send button... But you probably don't have to worry about that because that's probably only something I would take literally because I know of these laptop problems...

One more thing: Maybe just "other"? Or maybe you could start a novel project and enter this under romantic novels as part of your project, because as it is it feels like a snippet of something. (I know, I think you wrote this during Nano too.) If you want to keep it as a short story, you can just focus on making the beginning more of a beginning - with the extra-climactic way you start this, it feels more like we're coming into the middle of something (especially since "he" is never named and we don't really know any of the character's past involving him).

Thbbbt!

~Blue

P.S. NOOGLES!

OK, so first of all, I think it ended a bit abruptly, even for ending at the point that it did. You sound like you were going to say more but accidentally hit submit. I mean, if you're going to have a bomb, you have to describe the carnage in its wake; the numb feeling after having sent the letter, the mixed emotions that flood in, etc. Now, maybe that isn't your intent, but it sure seems like it. I want to see the explosion, since just hearing about it really doesn't impress me much.
You seem to have done a good job with the rest of the story; you narrate with the sort of memory of events that I would have if this happened to me. You don't highlight anything from the conversation except the important part. There's something to be said for prefacing of important points with conversation leading up to them, but I think if you're going to be writing in first person it's less important.
All in all, it's a pretty good piece in my opinion. The only snags that bothered me were the abrupt ending and the fact that you said "bump" rather than "click," which made me think that the sending was partly accidental.

Hi there authorfaerie! 'Tis Lavvie.

I have to agree with BlueAfrica on this one: it's not a very descriptive. It's a lot of showing, right? And a little sort-of inner "montage" of thoughts following this girl discovering this guy (who she obviously loves or once loved). It's mostly dull and a little - again I agree with BlueAfrica - feeling like some random section selected from a novella or novel or something. Since it feels like there is a lot of background information - and clearly there is if the girl has this montage of thoughts.

I'd like you to expand on these thoughts in the "montage". Maybe a time that she just remembered that triggers a realization or something. Like, her epiphany. You know, that sort of stuff. Dreadfully cliche, but fitting for this adorable piece. Despite the fact this is obviously in first person, it feels almost like an objective narrative. I think this is the lack of true emotions, I find. There's not a whole lot that holds me there and it's so rushed. Slow down. Maybe I'd like to find out what happens following her e-mail? Does he reject her or not? It doesn't hurt to write more. The way you ended is kind of disappointing and blunt and bizarre. The imagery seems rather forced and I had this idea that a pop-up came up with, like, a mushroom explosion. It's too forced and weird.

Yours,
Lavvie