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Maia



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Gender: Female
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:24 pm
Xyra says...



Hey! I'd like to get this published! So give me your best critiques and if you know a good somewhere for me to publish it leave that too! Thanks! Love ya for it!
Spoiler! :
Two Door Cinema Club-What you know
A rose
A calendar


I am not afraid of tears. Nor am I afraid of losing myself. But I am afraid of losing her.
Maia and I have known each other since the first grade. Or should I say, no one knew her, but she knew everyone? Maia was a loner. She never talked unless the teacher made her. She got the best grades in the class anyway.
During recess every day, she sat in the corner and watched everything. Everything. Nevertheless, I felt her eyes on me more than I thought they were on anyone else. I do not know if Maia felt it, but I thought we had a connection.
All through middle school and junior high, Maia sat in the corner during recess. She never played. Never seemed to move. But she got thinner. By eighth grade, she was dangerously thin and pale, and looked as if she never slept. I wanted to go to her so badly.
I was one of the popular boys. I played no sports, and I really would always prefer my computer to the outside world, but the jocks accepted me. Their acceptance was what held me back. I did not want to lose my few friends by consorting with the outcast. My only way of holding true to her was never “dating” another girl. If you could call it that.
Many girls thought I was mysterious. They got their little friends to ask me out for them. I always declined. I liked to think that every time Maia saw me say no to another girl, she smiled, just a bit.
Finally, on the Valentine’s Day of our eighth grade year, I gave her a valentine in my own shy way. She would never know. I snuck out of fourth period, claiming a bathroom break. I slipped down to the playground, and set a single red rose in her corner. A slip of paper on the stem read,
I love you
I never knew if she knew it was me. When I got a chance to glance over though, she had the rose in her hair, and her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. Her lips curved in a smile I had never seen. I was never going to let her go.
In computer sciences freshman year, we were lab partners. She still talked as rarely as possible, but when she was with me, she seemed to smile more. Just the proximity to her made me smile like a fool, that I knew. I still hope she did not see how silly I felt.
Sophomore year, our history teacher paired us up for a research project. She still took the bus home, but I could drive, and we had to stay after school in the library to put the project together. I told her I would give her a ride home, and she did accept, but not before a flash of fear lit her eyes.
When we made it to her house, I saw why. Her father sat in an old rocking chair in the middle of a wild yard. His fat squidged out the sides, and he had a bucket of extra-cheap ice cream in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other.
His rage was unimaginable when I drove up in my little blue jeep.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?” he slurred loudly. “IMMA KEEL YOU IF YOU GET SO CLOSE TO HER AGIN!”
Maia quickly thanked me for the ride, and I tried to lay a hand on her arm, but she was already out of the car. I gaped at her. I was not sure whether to get out too or drive for my life. This fat man seemed to be the type to abuse people, if he was that angry over a courteous ride home.
Maia ran for the front door of their ramshackle house. She had almost made it when her father threw his now-empty bottle at her. It caught her across the cheek, hard. That was it.
I leaped out of the car, but Maia screamed at me.
“RUN John, RUN!” She had tears in her eyes and a bruise already forming on her face. “Don’t make it any worse for me!”
I was torn. This man could not do this! Especially not to MAIA!
“Maia! No! Come back!” I knew I sounded whiny, but I wanted to get her out of there so badly.
“John, there’s nothing you can do. Go home.”
“Yeh! You heard er! Go on! Git!” screeched her father. “An stay away from me girl, you little punk.”
Maia looked at me, tears in her eyes, and shut the door. I felt sad and deflated as I climbed back into my jeep and drove away. There was nothing I could do. At the time, I did not even think of going to the police. I just went home.
Maia was not even absent one day. She told all her teachers she had fallen on the stairs. And she told me I had to keep it secret.
“I only have two more years. I promised my mother I would stay with him” Maia whispered to me in history. “I’ll be ok. Thank you.”
I did not know what to say. So I hugged her. It was the first time I had ever touched her. She felt so fragile, so easy to hurt. I felt like crying.
Junior and senior years, we had no classes together. I hardly ever saw her. Nevertheless, I knew she was alive at least. I grew away from my sporty friends. Nowhere in sight was the John they all knew. I was quiet, and seemed depressed to the happy-go-lucky jocks. I was a loner in my own right now.
So now, it is a week to graduation. I am sitting on my bed, staring at my calendar. The day after graduation, I am leaving to spend the summer in the town where I will be going to college. And I will never see Maia again.
As I stare at my calendar, I realize that if I wanted to make a move with Maia I had to do it now.
It is 8:00. As I hop into that selfsame old blue jeep, it brings with it waves of memories from that day in sophomore year. I wish I had done this sooner.
I am probably not being very safe. Its dark, and I am well over the speed limit, but I do not care. I have to get to Maia’s house. Now.
Finally, I pull into her driveway in shock. Her horrible house is in flames. Her idiot father probably lit some booze up for a thrill. I do not even think. I just leap out of the car. I am not a big guy, but I bash down the charred door easily. Maia is wailing at the end of what seems to be a very, very long hallway. Bruises and burn marks cover her face.
I run, faster than feels possible, but the hallway feels endless. Finally, I reach Maia. She sits curled into a tiny ball, trying to protect herself somehow. She is light as a feather when I lift her and begin the trek back to the door.
Just as I make it out, the building collapses. No way is her father alive now.
I set Maia in the passenger side of my jeep. I cannot hold myself back anymore. I almost lost her tonight. Her lips are the only soft thing on her pained face as I kiss them and whisper,
“I knew you didn’t want to be alone.”
Last edited by Xyra on Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





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88 Reviews



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Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:07 am
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hudz96 says...



Oh my GOd!!!! you have gotten tears in my eyes... oh god i cant even say anything....ummm
wow i..um that was so beautiful... no poem in this site has ever brought me to tears. You probably already know this but the best part of this was the way you ended it. It was the part that brought tears to my eyes

I set Maia in the passenger side of my jeep. I cannot hold myself back anymore. I almost lost her tonight. Her lips are the only soft thing on her pained face as I kiss them and whisper,
“I knew you didn’t want to be alone.”


Oh my god.... i cant get over it... sorry if my review is not making much sense. wow... don't let anyone tell you to change this in anyway. its so innocent, so different. I think what made me the most vulnerable to this was the fact that he never touched her till she really really needed it. Its A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 12:47 am
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SocialSuicide107 says...



So first i would like to say i love this piece. So cute and sad. He cared for her all those years, but never said a thing because he was scared of losing his status in school and ended up losing it anyways. Now, as much as i like this piece i feel like you give in to the whole abuse thing to easy. Like i could kind of see it coming before you even got close to explaining. Maybe stretch it out a little more and don't make the hints so noticeable. Remember, abusive alcoholics is super played out, you have make your piece stand out even more among the rest. Don't take all this to heart though, because your piece is wonderful no doubt i just feel like there could have been more. Good luck! I hope to read more from you.
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 6:13 pm
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MiaParamore says...



Hey Xyra! You've got a pretty username, I must say. First of all, thanks for requesting a review. :)

First of all, your red message just begs for attention. I'd love you to just make the font small because otherwise people might not want to read it, if you know what I mean. :D

I liked this story. At first, I thought it would be that plain old thing, but as it progressed further, I couldn't stop reading it. Yes, so I'd like to suggest that you make your start a bit more interesting. You know, since you had calendars as one of the main objects you might wanna start from there? You know, it makes sense because you narrate this story and then say 'now I sit here...' which seems abrupt. It'd be better if you give that angle right from the start.

Besides, I feel like you sort of miss out on descriptions. I know it sounds cliche, but mostly in Romantic stories you have a lot going about the looks. You know like how Maia looks, how she moves and all that. What the narrator liked about her is also important.

Plus, I'd advise you to make this more emotional. I liked the emotions here, they were balanced but for me weren't enough. It's maybe me but I like more emotions, imagery or something. You could work on that.

Also, when she says she promised her mom she'll stay with her dad, I was actually wondering where her mother might be. is she dead or left the house? You know, you shouldn't be leave the readers to figure that out themselves. The answer is obvious but I feel like it should be you who should make it official. Plus, that does make the story more realistic if we know why Maia was forced to stay.

Otherwise, this was a good smooth read and I look forward to reading more from you. Nice plot. :)

Mia
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Tue Dec 20, 2011 1:32 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'm here to review, so I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on the story.
I never knew if she realized it was me.

The two 'knew' were making the sentence a little redundant. If realize doesn't seem quite right, you can always try: learned or had knowledge.
I still hoped she did not see how silly I felt.

“IMMA KEEL YOU IF YOU GET SO CLOSE TO HER AGIN!”

I like the way you've written your dialogue here. It's great to see and imagine the accent the dad has. Although I sometimes think these kind of things are annoying, this time it was cool.
She had tears in her eyes and a bruise already forming on her face.

A bruise can't form in that amount of time. Maybe switch it to: the spot where the bottle had hit was red, and I knew it would be an ugly bruise by the falling of the night. Or something of the sort.
Especially not to Maia!

Please, don't put things in capital letters... Not unless it's in a dialogue because it looks too rough and angry. If you want to put emphasis on a word, put it in italics, it's better and normally, when people read it, they'll put their own emphasis, kind of like an attitude to it.
I am sitting on my bed, staring at my calendar.

As I stare at my calendar, I realize that if I wanted to make a move with Maia I had to do it now.

Again, too much repetition... You could replace one of the 'stare' for gaze, look, take in and gawk.
It's dark, and I am well over the speed limit,

but the hallway seems endless.

Overall, the plot is good and has a lot of potential. I think you've conveyed the emotion of the MC, but you could bring it to another level. The story seems rushed, and I know you probably could write an entire novel on this, and you have to stop sometime, right? ;) Thing is, you have to figure out exactly the right amount of details and emotions. Not too much, not too little. Let yourself go on this story, make yourself be that guy, John.

I loved the characters and their development, as well as the plot. I'm an hopeless romantic. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  








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