Young Writers Society

"Hey, a song I actually know," I smile- yet [i]again[i]- as Lips of An Angel emits from the surround sound.
We start singing softly to each other and I close my eyes, feeling him move away and onto his bed. He whispers my name and I spin the chair I'm sitting in around, only to see his arms are spread wide open, welcoming me to climb in to them.
I do just that, and they create a shield as I lay against his strong chest.
"What's on your mind?" he whispers into my hair, and I hesitate to answer.
"Just...stuff."
He sits up slowly and rearranges himself. We are cross-legged, facing each other, and it's taking all I have to not close this large gap of two inches between us.
He urges me to tell him. "C'mon, it's okay," and his smile is dazzling.
I blush, turn away, and start to quietly sing 'No Surprise', the Daughtry song that is now playing.
He responds with a half-smile, grabs the remote, and pauses the song in mid-chorus. "Tell me," he begs, "or I'll have to tickle you."
I shake my head and smile down at his blue comforter. "No, what's on your mind?"
Those brown eyes of his, the ones I've only just recently started getting lost in, stare at me. They hold my gaze for too long, but I can only stare back. It's just him and I in this world, in this moment, and I can't look away.
"I know it's not under the stars...but...would you still want that kiss?" he finally asks.
I don't hesitate answering his question this time. "Yes."
He's still staring at me, but I see pure happiness in his eyes before he looks down.
My heart starts to beat erratically, and I'm thinking of just kissing him first instead. I subtley take deep breaths, and it's at this second he tilts my chin up towards his face.
I freeze. There's no other way to describe it- I feel my heart slow down, my arms and legs tense, and my air supply stops. I have to remind myself to breathe. We stare at each other for another second, and I'm waiting for him to lean in, purse his lips, do something, anything...
He makes an elephant noise with his mouth and smiles apologetically. I can only relax, laugh, and blush.
That was not his only show, though. And I knew that. I knew there had to be a grand finale. And I knew, when he tilted my chin yet again- for his lips to meet mine- the show would be over soon.
The rest is history.

Hello LovelyDisaster!
I'm SodapopLunchbox and I'm here to review your work!

I can see the scene you are trying to capture here, which is good, but I think you can make this piece even better. I didn't really connect with the main character. Maybe before you jump into the story, talk about what is going on here. I can see that this couple hasn't had their first kiss yet, but it took awhile for me to understand it. Especially if they climb into bed together. There is nothing wrong with that, but it is a bit too intimate for a couple who has yet to have their first kiss.

"I know it's not under the stars...but...would you still want that kiss?" he finally asks.
I don't hesitate answering his question this time. "Yes."

You should explain this, the readers have no knowledge of the promise under the stars. And by saying that the MC has no problems answering this time means that there must have been a previous time. Maybe have a flashback and show what happened the last time or what this promise was?

I subtley subtly take deep breaths, and it's at this second he tilts my chin up towards his face.

You might want to reread this out loud, some of the sentences sound awkward. Also add emotion to this! You have an intimate scene here but you don't show the readers how the characters are feeling, how their hearts are racing, how much they want to kiss each other, etc. Yes, there some attempts like at the end, but I think you should go further and deeper this time! Really describe the way they feel that way the readers can connect with the characters.

Other than that, I think you have a good start! But it's just a start, keep going with this! It can turn into something really great if you keep going with it.

Don't be afraid to message me if you need any help with your story!
-SodapopLunchbox

This story was beautiful

I loved it and i felt like i was there (not in a creepy stalker way) You started it with inturige and kept that through out the whole thing! Well done

this story had rythim and true emotion. It makes me want to call my boyfriend. It makes me want to run to him and just wrap myself in his arms. This story was great and i loved the way you portrayed the atmosphere in the room and at the same time didnt give the unnecessary details

i like how the emotion was there and the way you were feeling was clear. All in all a magnificent story

I truly loved it

-MusicLover797