Young Writers Society

I can see you watching me. Watching my lips move in the form of syllables smeared together as words. I spit them out all in a rush, but you’ve caught all of it, I can tell. Because you see, I’m watching you as well. I’m watching from the corner of my eye, and you’re not smiling. My dear, what has wiped that silly grin off your face? Could it be that I just mentioned that I met someone new? Someone who might just be better than you?
I can see you watching me. Staring me down with dark brown eyes, the same ones I used to stare into before placing a kiss on your lips. But now, we do not kiss. You are the one that is watching my lips. I’ve grown accustomed to your stare, only because I’m overly aware. You are there, and I am here. So please stop staring and just come back over here? As much as I lie to myself and repeat these lies to everyone who asks, yet, there you are sat. There you are, and here I am.
Come on over, I don’t bite, I swear I won’t argue, or start a fight. I just want to stare back at you, and see you staring back at me. Those deep brown eyes, the ones that are watching me. Watching my lips as they await the return of your kiss.

(This is an excerpt from my diary, all articles I post that are straight from my diary, typed word for word as they'd been written, and can be found under the folder "Diary Excerpts" on my profile)

Yours Truly,
Jacqueline

That was sweet. What I liked about it was that it's so heartfelt, so touching and deep.

The repitition for the first two paragraphs is a little strange as it doesn't continue to the third. Still, other than that, I can't complain.

"I can see you watching me. Staring me down with dark brown eyes, the same ones I used to stare into before placing a kiss on your lips. But now, we do not kiss. You are the one that is watching my lips. I’ve grown accustomed to your stare, only because I’m overly aware. You are there, and I am here. So please stop staring and just come back over here? As much as I lie to myself and repeat these lies to everyone who asks, yet, there you are sat. There you are, and here I am. "

That's a good paragraph there and I love it, save the fact that it's a bit disconnected.
The whole piece makes sense but it's really, quite rough. You can't follow it easily because it just stops and starts roughly.
Other than that, it was lovely.

Good work.

NightWriter x

Hiya! This is Al back for a review, so please don't swallow me!

About the story, I really look up to you, right now, at this moment because of the bravery you have for posting something so private on this site. I salute you!

About the work, well, its hard to comment since it's personal, not any kind of published work. But I want you to know that even in this entry, you were very brilliant. The words are chosen perfectly, the structure is fitting and the figurative speech you used is so to die for.

If your like this in a simple diary entry, how 'bout in real literary publications? I think you're already a pro

Thanks for letting us read this, don't worry, we won't tell anyone!
Al

Hi there! I'm Christina. This was a very interesting piece! I know exactly where you're coming from, as my journal has entries like this too. Some places were a bit awkward, for example when the direction of the story changed in the second paragraph, as the mood shifted so suddenly. Maybe you could try and transition differently? Also, if you wanted, I that perhaps it would be interesting if you wrapped it up in a way that echoed the repetition that you used in the beginning. Just a thought.

All in all it was very interesting and heartfelt, I'll be sure to read the other ones in this series!
Have a lovely day.

Hey there,
Wow, this took my breath away!! It is amazing. Your writing flowed so well, the language was superb! It was deep, and really honest, like it came straight from your heart. I loved it, I spotted nothing wrong xD Keep writing!