z

Young Writers Society


Seeing Jack



User avatar
1260 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260
Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:07 am
Elinor says...



After my costume’s hung up, I change into sweats, a hoodie, and flip flops. I take the braid out of my hair and then pull it back in a simple ponytail. I say goodbye to the theater for the night. It was a good performance, I’d say. I’d definitely gotten more into my character then the night before. I don’t know if I was just imagining it, but it seemed like the audience clapped the loudest for me when we were taking bows.
My car is just a block away; the parking lot had already been full when I arrived. It’s a warm night, especially for early April.
“Maggie.” The voice comes from behind, and it makes me jump. I turn around and see its source; a guy in his late teens that I don’t recognize. I can’t see that well in the dark, but I can tell he’s definitely attractive; ashy blond hair, wide eyes that are either blue or gray. He’s dressed like he’s older, though; black trenchcoat, khakis, black leather shoes. He sees my expression and smiles; it’s a gorgeous smile. But how does he know who I am.
“Don’t you remember me?”
I don’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve never seen this guy before in my life. I shake my head.
He laughs softly. “It’s Jack.”
Then it hits me. Jack Walker? No, it can’t be, not this boy. But I take a closer look at him. Of course. Beneath how he appears to me now; I see four years or so subtracted from his face; the features are softer, more acne-ridden, and the hair is unkempt. I see braces on once uneven teeth. Of course he’s changed a lot since then, but I still see the features of a fourteen year old boy that would eventually grow into what they are now. It takes me a long time to realize that he’s beside me. “Jack?” I finally say. “Jack Walker?”
He laughs. He extends his arms out toward me; I move closer and hug him. It’s the first time we’ve hugged—back then, he probably would have thought it was gross—but it feels natural. I think of how long it’s been. It’s the end of my last year of college; Jack was a freshman and I was a senior in high school when we met; that it would make it his first year of college. Four years. It’s been four years.
But I don’t know why it’s stirring me so much. In the year of high school that we shared, Jack Walker and I were not friends. I’d been a part of a peer mentoring program at my school, where seniors meet with groups of freshmen at the beginning of the year to supposedly help them transition into high school and make upperclassmen friends. But I had a group of freshmen boys that obviously didn’t want to be there. They were all obnoxious and immature; but Jack had been the worst. I would have had nothing to do with him after that. However, it was just my luck that he’d been doing poorly in both math and science (A D minus in both subjects if I remember correctly) and that his parents made him sign up for a tutoring program at the school, that I had happened to have been picked as his tutor. The tutoring had continued though out the year; but it had gotten miserable after a while. Jack never took it seriously. We didn’t talk outside of the Tuesday afternoons he spent at my house. But as much as I thought that I hated him, at the end of the year, I wanted to stay in contact. So we’d signed each other’s yearbooks (I don’t even remember what I wrote), but of course, the in the past four years we hadn’t spoken. He had his life to lead and I had mine. But it was nice to see him again.
“How have you been doing?” I asked. “How did you know I was here?”
“I have a friend who saw the play here two nights ago,” he said. “He was telling me about it. He showed me the program, and I saw your name. At first I thought it was just a coincidence, since Maggie Spencer isn’t exactly uncommon. But I remembered you were going here for college, and that you were going to be a theater major. I knew it was probably you, but I asked my friend to describe you. I knew it was you from his description, and that I had to come and say hi.”
“I’m glad you did,” I said. “You’re at college, right?”
He nodded. “Yep, first year. I live on campus— just about fifteen minutes out, actually.”
“How are you liking it?”
“It’s okay. Just different. I’m still trying to get used to it.”
I opened my mouth to ask him about his grades, but I paused and closed it again because I didn’t want him to take it as rude. But he must have read my mind.
“Guess what?”
“Hm?”
“I had straight As for both semesters last year. My grades have improved so much since freshman year.” He smiled.
“That’s…great. I’m really glad to hear that, actually.”
“Yeah. I’m trying to go into criminal justice now.”
“Sounds fun.”
Something vibrated in Jack’s pocket. He sighed and took out his phone. “Yep…mhm. Yeah, it’s done now. Mhmm. Give me two minutes.” He hung up then put his phone back in his pocket. “Sorry,” he said to me. “I have to go. But it was nice seeing you after so long.”
“Yeah.”
“Since we’re close, we’ll have to meet each other again one of these days.”
“Yeah.” I don’t know why, but this made me smile. “For sure. Coffee or something?”
He nodded. “That would be great.” He paused, as if hesitating. “A lot happens in four years.”
We exchanged phone numbers, and we waved goodbye again. And I watched him walk off into the night, an airy feeling in my stomach I never thought in a million years that Jack Walker would give me.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





User avatar
165 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 367
Reviews: 165
Fri Dec 09, 2011 2:33 am
Sassykat says...



You said this could be something more....make it more! I want more! I can't be the only one, either. This is the perfect beginning to a slightly less short story. I was enthralled by every word, each phrase making me want more. Beautiful imagery. Your story is simple, but it seems so relatable. This seems like a very realistic event. Aweseome. I just have one suggestion, and that is to try not to start off all or even most of your sentences with "I". I have made this mistake before, and every time I got called on it. Put variety into your openings, you certainly have the creativity for it.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.
  





User avatar
529 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 30280
Reviews: 529
Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:27 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Elinor!

I read this this morning, but I'm back now to review :)

First impressions, it's peaked my interest. That's not to say that it's not unoriginal. The whole, 'girl falls for guy who used to be annoying or geeky' thing, has already been done. Of course, this is only the first part, I'm guessing? So we've got time to find out more about both characters, and whether there's anything that's happened in those four years apart that makes the story more original to you.

Both characters seem likeable enough, which is great. I did spot some mistakes though -

But how does he know who I am.


You're missing a question mark.

that it would make it his first year of college


You don't need the first 'it'

school, that I had happened to have been picked as his tutor.


I think this sentence would read better as -

'school and I had happened to have been picked as his tutor.'

though out the year


I'm pretty sure 'through out' is one word.

but of course, the in the past four years


Nix the first 'the'

“How have you been doing?” I asked. “How did you know I was here?”


You've written all of the story so far in present tense, but from this sentence on, you revert to past tense. I think the story works nicely in present tense so I'd change 'asked' to 'ask' and change the second half of the piece to match. I know this was probably just a simple mistake, so I won't patronise you by correcting all of the changes.

***
This piece doesn't really do anything for me at the moment. It doesn't make a story as it is, but I'm guessing this is the first part to a long short story or a novel. If not, then I'd definitely suggest extending it.

I noticed that you used quite a few semi-colons in the piece. It's fine, but they kind of get distracting when they're used a lot. In moderation, they seem to have more effect too. Just my opinion.

I did find the paragraph where she describes Jack and recalls being his tutor boardering on info-dumpish. If you do decide to write more, you could always write in that she was his tutor then when she's talking to her mum or a friend about running into him. Something like - "Jack Walker. You know, the guy I tutored back in my senior year." You catch my drift, I'm sure.

Yeah, so I'm interested to see where you take this next. I'd definitely like to read on :)

I hope this helps. Could you possibly PM me or something if you post more?

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





User avatar
228 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4495
Reviews: 228
Wed Dec 14, 2011 7:30 am
Meep(: says...



Hey Elinor! :D
I'll try not to repeat what's been said already.
I’d definitely gotten more into my character then the night before.

'than', not 'then'.

Anyway, I liked this and I'm curious as to how it will (hopefully) progress! It has a rather intimate kind of feel. I love how the atmosphere feels calm, with a tinge of anticipation that's just enough to make us want to read more.
As a stand-alone piece, the info about how the MC's history with Jack seems fine. However, if you're considering expanding it into something longer, you may want to scatter the info. That way you can also write more vivid recollections, i.e scenes from the past rather than just a simple sentence or two telling us info. I liked your use of dialogue too. Typical in a way, but captures the tentativeness well.

Other than that, I don't really spot any problems. It wasn't much, but it was sweet nevertheless. If you don't mind, would you please PM me if you decide to continue? ^^

~Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"
  








If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber