Young Writers Society

“Crunch! Crunch!” The leaves under my feet said as I walked down the trail, my favorite place to go on a late November day. It was such a beautiful day too. The sky was a clear brilliant blue and the leaves were changing colors and falling from their places high up in the trees. There was a light wind passing through, following the storm we had only two nights ago. The storm had left the trail a little muddy, which made leaves stick to my red rain boots because of it, not that I really cared anyways. I was on my way to my favorite place, my secret place. And only two people knew of it. Kenny Adams, the most beautiful fifteen year old boy I’d ever seen, and me, Stacie Martin. The ugly duckling of the bunch.

My secret place was perfect. About half a mile down the road from my house and then a quick left into the woods where I would walk for nearly half an hour before I got to a little stream that meant I was almost there. Kenny had said that he was going to be waiting for me at the Hide Out, as we called it. He'd said that he had a surprise for me. I hoped that it was that he was going to ask me to the Fall Fling at our school. I was in love with Kenny from my head to my toes. His green eyes and black hair killed me. But what killed me the most was that he had one dimple on his left cheek. He was simply beautiful. No doubt about it, every girl wanted to be with him, to be his best friend, that was why everyone was surprised when on his first day at school he chose to sit next to me. The nerdy girl with her hair in a messy brown braid and her glasses slipping down her nose. The only pretty feature about me were my eyes. Even though both of my parents, and both of my sisters had brown eyes, I had blue. Nobody knows where I got them. I was nearly an inch away from climbing up the ladder into the Hide Out when I heard a girl’s giggle, then the sound of Kenny’s voice.

“Shh! She should be here any minute now!” Kenny said gently as if talking to a child.
“But what if she doesn’t like me?” The girl cried as I sat at the trunk of the tree listening. I’m surprised that they hadn't heard me walking over here.
“Now, what makes you think that she wouldn’t like you?” Kenny said softly,
“I don’t know, maybe I’m just being a little paranoid about meeting your best friend for the first time, or any of your friends for that matter!” The girl giggled.

I heard Kenny laugh with her, I was afraid to go up, because I already knew who she was. She was the girl he had been telling me about, the girl that was everything that I wasn’t. The girl he had met a few weeks ago at the skating rink, he'd told me that she had just moved here and that she didn’t know anyone but was an amazing skater.

“Kenny? Kenny are you up there?” I called out.
“Yeah Stacie! Come on up! And hurry!” The excitement in his voice made me feel so low inside, knowing what was going to happen next.
“Okay” I said, trying to hide my sadness, but I didn’t do a real good job at it.
“Are you okay, Socks?” Kenny called down, Socks was my nickname that he had given me when he first moved here because of my insane long socks that I would wear everyday to school.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I said as soon as I got to the top, I was still looking down when I swung my legs over onto the boarding of the tree house.
“SURPRISE!” They both yelled at the same time.
“Hi! I’m Violet! Violet Freeman!” she said. She was so beautiful. She had long blonde hair, and the prettiest blue eyes ever, prettier than mine, and tanned skin. Her eyelashes were painted black, long and full with mascara, and her face was clear from any freckle or pimple. She almost looked more like a Barbie doll than human.
“Hey, I’m Stacie, Stacie Martin. Nice to met you Violet.” I said trying to hide my sadness with a smile.
“Violet is my girlfriend. The girl I have been telling you about and I wanted you to met her as soon as possible, I hope that you don’t mind that I brought her to the Hide Out” Kenny said shyly like he always did. “Please don’t be mad” he added.
“No, I’m not mad.” I said giving him a half smile. "So Violet how far away from here do you live?" I asked trying to break the silence,
"I live three houses down from the park, about a quarter mile away from here actually" She said,
"And only a block from where you and I live" Kenny added as he looked into Violet's eyes, Violet blushed and looked away quickly. After that, everything went quiet. My eyes began to sting when I noticed that they were holding hands. It was a painful sight and the silence only made it worse. I wanted to die, right then and there.
“Kenny?” Violet said and his name sounded so beautiful coming off of full velvet lips. “I have to be home soon, or my parents will worry.”
“Okay,” he said, “Thanks Stacie for coming here, and for meeting Violet.”
“Bye Stacie. It was nice to met you!” She smiled with her perfect white teeth, and I hated her. Everything about her, how beautiful she was, and how amazing she was, and how she was everything that he could ever want and I wasn’t anything near that.
“Bye” I said in return as they climbed down the ladder and out into the woods. As soon as they were out of sight, the tears began to fall and they wouldn’t stop.

My heart was broken, and he was the only one to repair it. But he never would because he had Violet. He had his perfect little angel, the girl of his every dream. The girl I wanted to be.

Very nice! I'm a sucker for these kind of stories, so this one drew me right it. I almost think you could continue this and make a sweet little story out of it. In fact I hope you do! DEFINETLY keep on writing!

Hey BrokenSkye!

Aww, this was so sad. I was hoping so much that the girl was going to turn out to be his cousin or something, and that after she was gone he was going to ask Stacie to the dance. I was so gutted for her when it came out that Violet was his girlfriend.

This isn't a bad story, seeing as you said you haven't really written a short story before. The best advice I can give you is to slow the pace down a bit. Everything in the second half of the story happened too fast. Short stories don't have to be really short to be considered a short story. I wanted more of a build up to her finding out who Violet was. It was almost like the moment Stacie reached the top of the ladder, Kenny blurted out that he was Violet's boyfriend. It would be great to see the dread slowly working its way around Stacie's body. First curiousity, then nerves, and then sadness. Have her glance at the two of them. Are they holding hands? Does she understand what's going on then, just as Violet introduces herself.

The whole thing seems to be over too quickly too. No sooner than Stacie's found out the truth, Kenny and Violet go. You could have her sitting in silence, nodding politely and holding back the tears, as Kenny and Violet gush about each other. It'll make the reader feel more sorry for Stacie as they'll be able to see how awkward and hard the conversation is for her.

I did notice that you had quite a lot of mistakes when it came to the formatting of the piece. Usually in my reviews I quote the lines and then correct them for you, but in this case I think I'll quote the whole story and then make my changes in bold text.



The main problem I found was that you seemed to have trouble placing your commas. I've found two great tutorials that have been written by YWS members, that I think will help you to make your writing even better.

The first one is by Demeter and it's about using punctuation with dialogue - topic44898.html

The second is by Mythic Writing and it's about using commas - topic19162.html

I hope they help you to understand more about how to format stories. The better your story is presented, the easier and more enjoyable it is for your reader to read your story.

I hope this review helps! Any questions, scribble on my wall

xDudettex

Thank you both for the comments, I was nerves about posting this because most stories I see never got reviewed. So this means a lot that you would take the time to read it. As for the mistakes I made, I will be glad to fix them, and I might just go ahead and edit it a little more and make it a little longer, than maybe make a sequel to it. Like what happens when Kenny goes to Stacie's house after wards to hang out and instead of finding his happy-go-lucky friend he finds her crying wishing she were more like Stacie. I don't know, maybe. If I do I will definitely message you two about it! Thanks for the reviews!:D

Oof, looks like Dudette has covered most of the points.
But anyway, hi!
I'd just like to reiterate one point she mentioned: While this is intended to be a short story, I find it too rushed to squish the multitude of emotions into it. Take your time! Stretch out certain emotions, especially sadness, to highlight them. You can try many ways to bring out that mood such as how your body reacts, not just the tears and heart pains. Another suggestion would be to use the surroundings to reflect the mood! When I was reading this, I was imagining late autumn with falling leaves crushed and a chilly wind blowing throughout the lonely space of the hideout. You did mention the season, but you could try utilising that, as well as the direct settings (e.g: personification).
And one new point I'd like to add: There should be so much more to your character. I was disappointed to read about how Kenny/Violet is so gorgeous and Stacie is so plain. There is so much more to love than physical appearances! Furthermore, if Stacie is his best friend, she should be highlighting his personality, which opens so many other dimensions!
Overall, I felt the sadness of your piece, but this has great potential to develop, so I encourage you to keep it up!
Feel free to PM me if you've any questions!
~Meep(: