Young Writers Society

Blood on my hands.

And his lips were like morphine. They attacked me hungrily. I couldn't get enough.

I wanted more and more from him.

"Am I beautiful yet?"

"Soon," he said, while sucking on my bottom lip.

There was so much blood.

Red.

"How much do you love me?" he asked suddenly.

Eyes were widened. She loved him so much. But how could she explain that to him? She made eye contact with him, but quickly focused on something else across the room. His eyes were piercing; he wasn't looking at her, he was looking right through her, and it scared her. It scared her a lot.

Loud music played in the background. The artist was screaming and screaming and screaming.

And her brain was becoming fuzzy and the world was spinning. How did he manage to scream so angrily without hurting his vocal cords? And there was so much blood. It was getting all over her white shirt. She frowned, her mom wouldn't be happy with that.

Curse her for thinking of her mom at a time like this.

She stared into his eyes. "I love you so much," she replied quietly.

That was all he needed.

Pain erupted inside of her body. More blood. Her head began to throb, trying to alert her that something was very wrong. But she was too far gone to even notice.

"Am I beautiful now?" she asked, falling to the ground. She was sweating, her hair sticking to her forehead. Her breath was coming out quickly, but no matter how much she tried to breathe, she couldn't get any air.

"Perfect," he said looking at her and at the knife in his hands. He closed his eyes, smiling.

- - -

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot! Let me know what you think? (:

Hey there!

Okay first off my first thought was wow! I didnt know where you were going with the plot, however you ended it with a bang! Wow, I'm still stuck on it! haha. I do have some questions though! First off, why does she keep asking him if she is beautiful yet? Who is he? I'm going to assume they are dating, because he askes her if she loves him. Its almost as if when she declares her love for him that, that declaration is all the permission he needs to hurt her and cause her pain. I'm just a little confused in those places. Also, why is she bleeding in the begining? I relaize with the ending he has obviuosly harmed her, because if the knife. Again I'm just a tad confused. As for the details, the begining was great, lots od detail! However when you started to get going the details started to slip. When you are adding detail try to keep it that why through out the entire piece. I know this is hard to do at times.

Other then those few things this piece is great! I hope you will write more!

Sincerely;

Cook

w.o.w

This is the type of short story that really leaves you with an impression. It seemed just so pure and pained since to me it seemed like the girl was desperately in love with the guy and would do just about anything for him. One thing is that maybe you'd want to stick to the same pov as you started off with because it may be more interesting and would just flow a little more easily. Also, like the previous comment, give us a little more background info. Other than that, great job!!

Hello there!
Let's see what I can do to help!
This is rather short, so there isn't much to say except:
1) You switch points of view without clear signposting. In pieces as short as this, I wouldn't even advise changing POV. You started off with 'my/I' and then abruptly it becomes 'she'.
2) Because it is brief, I couldn't really tell what was going on exactly. As a stand-alone piece, I don't think it will make much sense unless it fits into a bigger scene with more details. I contemplated scenarios like vampires, suicide pacts, masochism... But I can't pin down what you're showing us here.
3)

And his lips were like morphine. They attacked me hungrily. I couldn't get enough.

I strongly suggest that you reconsider the sequence of these three sentences. The first uses the morphine metaphor, but you only explain/link this in the third sentence. It becomes disjointed and the second sentence becomes disorienting and not quite coherent. So you could try: "And his lips attacked me hungrily. They were like morphine. I couldn't get enough."
Anyway, good effort and keep on writing!
~Meep(: