Young Writers Society

I’m feeling the bug to write about my emotions, so here I am.
This is going to be angsty. Be warned.

(I refuse to link my past NaPo’s because they’re all over the place.)

I think some topics I want to explore: feelings about being ace (especially being in a relationship with a sexual partner), my mental health trends (perfectionism, anxiety, bouts of depression), companionship or the lack thereof, and what it means to me to love or be loved. Deep stuff.

Table of Contents

1. how to know when you've reached the end
2. how to live without a rock
3. how to see you've grown
4. how not to be alone with your thoughts
5. how to stay silent
6. how is my love different from yours
7. how to mourn an old loss
8. how to say goodbye
9. how to love myself
10. how to ignore your thoughts
11. how to take too much
12. how i wake up in the morning
13. how to know you're dreaming of the wrong thing
14. how to keep moving
15. how to know i'm lost
16. how to know you're here
17. how to be a perfectionist
18. how to be optimistic sometimes
19. how it feels on your own
20. how to forgive
21. how i think about those who hurt me
22. how to never forget
23. how to be anxious
24. how to accept the future
25. how not to hear music
26. how to find your way
27. how to feel in your skin
28. how to feel worthy of love
29. how to live on burn-out
30. how to love like i want to

1. how to know when you've reached the end.

i'm standing in the doorway
arms wrapped around myself
hoping that maybe squeezing harder
will drown out the tightness in my chest
heart constricting as it drums against me.

your cloudy eyes flicker over me
a frown pulling at your lips, thinking
when did it all go so wrong and
when did it start feeling like
a rift opened up in the room between us.

i think you want something
and i think i know what, but i'm afraid
because the words are heavy on my tongue
and i keep hoping if i swallow hard enough
neither of us will have to speak at all.

afterall i can't give you
what i don't have anymore.

2. how to live without a rock

you find yourself drifting
aimlessly floating among the clouds
hands shivering from frozen droplets
condensing on your skin
sapping your strength until
even your heart feels numb
from the wind pulling you away

you miss digging your toes into the earth
scraps of dirt collecting on the soles of your feet
drew drops dripping into small puddles of mud
smelling just like the first splatters of rain

you were happier then--when rocks littered the ground
and it didn't mean anything to pick one up
to rub its rough surface between your fingers
before you dropped it just as easily to the ground

you got scared
when the winds howled in your ears
tugged at your clothes, slashed at your skin
threatened to pull your feet off the ground
higher and higher into the sky
until you knew you wouldn't see
the trees or the grass or the dirt anymore

you found a rock for yourself,
one heavy and mighty and strong and sturdy
so that once you closed the chain around your ankle
you knew that you would be stuck there forever.

you waited there
alone with your rock
seasons changing
without you.

you didn't think the winds would get stronger
screaming around you each night, grabbing your arms
pulling, forcing you into the sky, stomach falling
heart pounding as you watch the chain creak
fearing more than anything that it would break this time
and you'd find yourself completely alone in the sky.

you felt like you were drowning
air shoved down your throat, constricting
choking your lungs but forcing you to breathe harder
breathe it in more, all because you felt helpless

you got so used to floating you realized
your feet haven't been on the ground
this whole time maybe your rock
was just keeping you from learning how to fly

so you cut the chain by yourself
after spending so long watching it weaken
and you let yourself get carried away

now you're drifting, carried by a cool breeze
higher than any rock could hold you up
and while the fear still crawls up your throat,
shivering from the freezing bite of the clouds,
the sun is much warmer on your skin
than when it was covered by the trees.

and you're comforted by the fact that
now you just need to learn how to land.

3. how to see you've grown

roll out of bed, cold feet landing on cold tile,
forgetting why you'd never put a carpet there despite years of reminders.
as you stumble past your bed and nightstand and dresser,
your eyes land on yourself in the mirror, seeing your reflection
from yesterday, thinking you're still the same person
just with one more day under your eyelids.

but if you just took one more second,
you'd notice your hair is darker, longer, well below your shoulders
like you'd always wanted it to be (so you'd look like the other little girls)
and your jaw is sharper, stronger, cheeks slimmer without the baby fat.
though your eyes still sparkle in the early morning light
those same rings of dark green spiraling into hazel shreds looking back at you.

TW: depression; allusion to suicidal thoughts

4. how not to be alone with your thoughts

WOLFE <3

the last poem is heartbreaking, especially the last line </3 the simplicity of the thought makes it even more chilling, and I love how it's the only phrase in parentheses that ends with a period - that little dot makes the line hit a lot harder

I love how vivid the images in poem 2 are! you used such strong and heavy verbs, like "howled," "slashed," "shoved," and "choking" which makes the piece all the more powerful and more easily felt by me, if that makes sense cx

also, the last lines of your poems seem to be my favourite ones <3 like with poem 1, it's such a heartbreaking thought to leave the reader on and ahh </33

can't wait to read the rest of your napo, Wolfe, you're doing wonderful!!! ^_^ <333

5. how to stay silent

white noise in my ears drowns out thoughts
my brain wants me to hear, muffling what i want to say
leaving my lips pressed together until the moment is gone.

it's just as easy as reaching out and grabbing the silence
ripping it down like a curtain blocking a window so the sunlight floods in
but my arms feel weak, and my eyes have adjusted without light,
comfortable with the static coating my view of the world.

tears drizzle down my cheeks, forging a new path
braving the mountains and valleys of my skin, leaving a river,
a creek more like; it's the last thing i can feel after my fingers go numb
from grasping for words and finding nothing.

the smell of new apartment is gone, i hadn't noticed
too busy wondering why the air tasted so rotten.

words swirl around in my mouth, waiting for me to give them voice
but my heart clawed out my throat, and i know that if i try,
they'll drool out and splatter onto the floor, creating a puddle
of complete and utter silence.

6. how is my love different from yours

i've always liked windy days better
where blue-gray clouds drift through cerulean skies
slowly, quietly, but with enough purpose to block out the sun
so a silvery tint settles onto the ground, the grass, the greenery
filtering my vision through a hazy screen of aqua,
like we're strolling in the ocean, a hint of rain in the air
but not stormy or heavy, only the breeze on our shoulders
and my heart on my sleeve, as my hand slips into yours.

you've always liked the sunny days
the heat of the sun drying up my favorite dew drops
but shining bright enough for red flowers to flourish their petals
sending golden bees attracted to their yellow cores buzzing through our legs,
(i was always scared of bees, their humming wings too loud in my ears)
and the heat of the sun radiates off your pink skin as you pull me closer,
your red lips illuminated in the light now that we're out of the shadows
but i turn away from you, back to sky to look for more blue.

sometimes on days like these, you pull away from me
not quite understanding how i can't enjoy
the vibrant yellows, the fiery reds, the brilliant pinks
(the color of your lips pressed onto my cheek)
and never acknowledging the gentle blues and calming greens
(the color of your eyes peering into mine),
and i plead with you to know that our reds are not the same
but that doesn't mean my love is any less than yours.

7. how to mourn an old loss

i trusted you.
i believed in you, that when i held out my heart,
showed you its beating pulse in your palms
told you of its first moments breathing air in this world,
that you would be gentle, treat it with kindness and respect.
but you pushed it back to me, squeezed it until the blood stopped
and now all i feel is cold inside.

i loved you.
i poured out my soul into you so that you'd feel lighter,
happier, freer, but all that it left me with was a shell
an empty feeling of the person i once was
and the person that i aspired to be, so all i can do now
is wait for the pool to refill, so one day
i might smile at my own reflection.

i will forget you
i danced around you so long that the soles of my shoes wore out
and once i finally let go of your hand, i realized
how long i had been holding my breath in anticipation
and after one, two, three, four times
it was almost easier without you.

hi wolfe <333

i love, love, love how raw your poems are. i know you're struggling right now, but i'm so glad you're able to get some of those emotions out in your poetry.

i think my favorite lines were:

tears drizzle down my cheeks, forging a new path
braving the mountains and valleys of my skin, leaving a river,
a creek more like; it's the last thing i can feel after my fingers go numb
from grasping for words and finding nothing.

the imagery in that stanza, as well as the rest of your work, is so vivid. it matches the intensity of the emotions you're writing about, which adds a perfect touch to your poems.

all my love, and happy napo!

8. how to say goodbye

when the dust has settled,
all that's left is a fading beam of moonlight
scattered across the glass table top.
i'm reminded of the memories
captured inside its crystalline surface,
(leftover rings from:
bowls of chips and guac, or ice cream,
cups of ale, bubbly, or cranberry concoctions,
plates of quesadillas or pasta dishes still steaming)
and i'm acutely aware of the prick of tears in my eyes.

the table is empty now,
as it's always been since our last dinner
when you held my hand and promised that
you loved me, that
you wouldn't forget me, but that
this was our ending.

i too knew it had to end.
and while i know i can't go back--
no, i won't go back, i promised myself--
i find that i'm still chasing those feelings
(or maybe, they're really just chasing me),
meaning that if i want to stand still,
catch my breath, still my beating heart,
i must let them go.

i must let you go.

so i watch the last flicker of the moon
as the night curls up to make room for the day
reminding myself that memories are only that:
memories, ghosts of the past that haunt me,
taunt me with golden visions of awful times,
making me wish for something i never want again.
and i whisper your name for the last time
with a sorrowful sigh of relief.

"goodbye."

9. how to love myself

it's a quiet afternoon,
where a slight breeze tugs at white flower petals
and grass stems so they brush my bare ankles,
where leaves and steams silently stretch to soak in the sun
and fresh air to bloom a little louder the next day,
where under the rustle of leaves is the hum of chatter
and birdsong drifting through the soft symphony.

i offer my hand to let the tallest blades tickle my palm,
a genuine smile on my lips as a light chuckle escapes them.
today, i don't much mind the quiet, because for once,
i don't need the noise to drown out my thoughts.

10. how to ignore your thoughts

when i close my eyes
everything gets much louder.
i try to just breathe.