z

Young Writers Society


<<_ you know it means so much_ >>



User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Thu Apr 08, 2021 4:58 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



Thank you, @AtlasWut! I'm so happy you're enjoying the poems <3
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Thu Apr 08, 2021 4:59 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



[hyperlink fragments]

player one:

orange light on glass,
i swipe at my mouse, fretting
at impractical
flame in this 2-d dungeon,
my lava assist: untouched.
.
.
player two:

i have a problem
remembering my problems
without a stats sheet,
pixel rainfall explodes red
and drowns the screen in thunder.
.
.
player three:

watching breakdowns from
the outside-- satisfaction
like a full health bar,
backgrounded by glitching sprites
splicing itself and twitching.
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Fri Apr 09, 2021 4:17 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



[capricorns fight back with CAPITALS & silence]


TRANSCRIPT
SPEAKER: goatfish

when people try to tell you you’re a mermaid (.) on the internet (.) here’s some good advice

keep running up that wave of data (.) trying to plaster itself in sheets to you (.) it’s not like you can’t control [sic] what other people think of you

capital letters are like v-shaped (.) sloping horns (.) a shield or battering ram gainst some kind of impression tsunami (.) you hear me [sic]

consult every grammar guide that you see (.) reassess your memories (.) and your digital (.) pebble collections (.)

didyouknow there are facts you can find online (.) to impress people your intellect
[whispered] if you don’t want to be an uwu (.) don’t let people see you as one (.) gif-blind them with your writing style and [sic]

convince yourself with sticky notes (.) after every conversation (.) deep breaths in (.) and look over (.) dig your claws into your cardinal sign (.) dig your self into the classical element (.) of a grave-site

sorry (.) what didyou say (.)
[sic] [sic] [SIC]


it’s hard to talk through heart-noise (.) the way people filter your words through (.) rose-coloured grains (.) even growing spikes like love-grass seeds (.) your fate remains the same --
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Sat Apr 10, 2021 2:38 pm
View Likes
Liminality says...



[(play)lists]

1. glitchy mood for when fixing my webcam
2. songs to put on when you’re ready for love
3. playlist to hide your palm sweat like a glove
4. vibes for that halcyon amber-coloured glam
5. playlist when i need to call out a sham
6. dissonant songs for when you need a shove
7. classics that will make you fall like a dove
8. songs while muting a poetry slam


Code: Select all
 pause. play. fast-forward


i. me, but you’re not quite there yet: aesthetic
ii. vibes for a checklist with too much to tick
iii. playlist to shuffle when you just can’t pick
iv. jpop for knowing you’ve stopped listening
v. liminal space: i don’t know what’s missing
vi. mallsoft is dead – you’re dreaming of fishing
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:39 pm
View Likes
kattee says...



I’ve genuinely been putting off trying to comment on your thread because such delicate and well-thought poems shouldn’t be bastardised by potentially incorrect interpretation lolol


manufactured authenticity in online angst
Spoiler! :

Okok here me out, but it seems so satirical? It reminds me so much of the horrible side of tumblr and “past!me” definitely reminds me of fanfic lingo. WHY? HOW? HOW did you still make everything so poetic? It literally a refined and more polite (or I guess toned down) commentary. Actually, plainly reading it doesn’t do this poem justice. I’ve read it aloud, and it just made the reading experience so much better.

I also love that you’ve linked the phrase “brand new” with >>> “the hue of ivory or bone” >>> particularly the word “bone” since I’ve thought of death right away which shows a bit of irony. And the fact that it’s ivory or bone means it’s a matter of choice. It implies that it — sometimes — depends on your attitude/outlook in life or what you choose it to be. If this person chose ivory, then that would’ve meant she saw this “brand new” thing in a positive light and if it’s a bone, then negative.

Does that make sense? If it doesn’t. Well um. It’s similar (at the very least, reminds me of) to the psychological concept of “is the glass half empty(bone) or half full(ivory).

AND YEP it’s obvious that this “brand new” seems leaning towards the word bone more >>>seeing that right way she talked about how unhappy she is//rotten/sour food. And, I think, what hammers home this idea is the fact that she mentioned the devil’s bone!!

I JUST LOVE everything about this poem! It’s ironic, satirical, and the character/speaker’s thought process are just bare and raw! The title is perfect as well! It’s so relevant during this highlight reel age and this romanticising mental illnesses trend. : (( I honestly don’t want to go on to that topic, that’s really something I’d like to take my mind off, but yea. This is ((i’ll probly say this a lot in this napo thread)) brilliant!




comments section: let’s keep talking <3
Spoiler! :

This is deceptively simple, but everything just slaps. I like the last stanza especially.

“Saying ‘u r right’ is like convulsing
Ridiculous cult rites for wound-soothing”
^^I’m gonna memorise this. I love how you just wield your words. Don’t you have any publisher phoning you yet?

+ This also calls to mind Sigrid's High Five song. You should listen to it! It is quite similar to this poem haha and it’s. Such. A. Bop.

FIRST STANZA NEEDS to be LoUdER!! People may be entitled to their opinions but they do not have the right to demean or insult anyone!!

I genuinely think that my interpretation isn’t really necessary. I might just be repeating whatever’s already on the poem. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing tho. This poem should be simple? No. I think the word “accessible” fits it quite well. It has an important message that needs to be heard by a broad audience *cough* tiktok, youtube *cough*


hyperlink fragments
Spoiler! :

Player two is probly me lol. And player three is definitely watching me, I can't. I just love how you used the gaming world as a metaphor for mental problems. Why’re so good with irony? I mean gaming is usually associated with decompression, but you’ve once again subverted our expectations <3

And the word sprite! In simply one stanza I could literally link all of its dictionary definitions. One, it’s a computer jargon; two it’s an overly-serious-elf who doesn’t involve itself in leisure (ties up to breakdowns); and three is the thunder >>> which is a reference to your second stanza. AH INGENIOUS WHY


capricorns fight back with CAPITALS...

Spoiler! :

This reminds me of those times when I argue (but still try to be polite? Or at least not rude) to defend taylor swift. I literally put a huge ton of effort on my research ((although not to impress)) but because I just really want people to understand that whatever image she had on the 2015-2016 was highly manipulated by the media but yea:

sorry(.) what did say (.)

^^Is a response that I would usually receive or they’d just (like what you said) >> “filter your words” and it gets really frustrating sometimes.

But enough about me, you just blew off and went full on with the format and structure! There’s something about the repetition of “(.)” that unsettles me. I can’t quite put a finger on it. Is this what you mean by the “silence”? Well if it is, this is so creative! And you’ve conveyed the message well. It suggests all the accumulated anger this capricorn is repressing.

Plus, the title did mention “capitals'' but none of them were really in capital which is ironic but it did underscore the “[SIC],” which was probly what you’re going for. I actually feel a bit conflicted about what my interpretation of this would be. The first few stanzas >>> (capital letters on arguments, trying to impress them with your intellect, etc) and the “sorry(.) what did say (.)” >> implies that he’s somehow the type of person who’d argue for the sake of arguing?

But then, the last line literally hits home. It’s what I’d feel if I put on a proper argument yet still felt like they'd disregard all of it just to assert their own opinions. Or maybe that’s what you’re trying to go for? You want this “speaker” to think that he/she has done all he can but it’s just actually quite sub-optimal or had an underlying purpose of benefitting his/her ego?

Overall, AHH it really made me think and that’s the fun of poetry !!


[(play)lists]

Spoiler! :

Can you share even a miniscule portion of your talent? It’d probly improve my writing skills x10 lol what on earth. Just the play of words in the title is quite smart.

I completely have no idea what to say about this poem besides compliments lol. I might bookmark this and use them as a spotify playlist title, if that’s alright with you?

And the fact that this list still had a rhyme scheme! ABBABBA CCCDDD. WAIT it could honestly be a sonnet! (Petrarchan but not quite) BUT STILL A SONNEt.

With that realisation, ehm. I’m out of words. You’ve maintained a rigid structure: a rhyme scheme that naturally flows, 14 lines, AND it has 10 syllables per line!! Just what?

This is so well-thought and well-developed!


AHH That’s about it for now! I’m so sorry if my comments are too energetic or hyper lol. It’s just, I’ve already written down what I’ve interpreted from the poem and when I’m about to rewrite them (so that they’d look even a little bit more cohesive), I’d usually have your poems on a side bar(?) ((You know that multi-tasking thingy on apple devices)) to double-check

and I just suddenly got something more from your poem? And I can’t help but get excited? All your poems seem to hide a murder scene and wannabe-Sherlock here eagerly tries to look for clues. (Idk if that’s the right metaphor for this but still). Looking forward to reading more of your poems!
If you want some sweet reviews to your poems, short stories, and essays, come by Katteelogue.

Have a lovely day❤️
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Sun Apr 11, 2021 3:48 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



Hiya @kattee! Thank you again for your thoughtful comments and interpretations! Ohh I love that observation you made about the 'highlight reel age', I think that's really apt to describe what I was going for there :D
The '(.)' is a symbol to indicate a pause when transcribing speech, so yes it could definitely convey silence. Also, feel free to use those playlist lines if you like~

Thank you for your enthusiasm! I'm really glad you find my poems interesting. I've been trying to write poems that kind of act like little puzzles/ mysterious stories to be figured out this month <3
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Sun Apr 11, 2021 3:49 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



[satellite love somonka]

I study your feed
a mindless (heart only) scroll,
waiting for nothing,
ventilation ducts shiver
from quiet gusts of hot air.

It’s a relief that
you browse me (not talk to me);
phone held up in bed,
I sink between soft nylon
sheets of safe hesitation.

she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Mon Apr 12, 2021 3:39 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



[turing test responses]

Q: What is 1 + 2?

A: . . . Is it 3?

[but the correct human answer was] oh i remember when i was two, i saw the fluff of dandelion dreams float by my window and i tried to grab at it, my pudgy fingers rising through the solar panel-pains trying to pin the seeds down and make them mine because arithmetic doesn't lavish me with enough attention and didntyouknow most people do not go past the egocentric stage of development?

A: Oh. I see. I'm sorry. Could I try again?


Q: What is 1 + 2?

A: . . . it is 3. like if you plant two seeds in the ground, maybe one day the shoots will grow, and you can plant a third one, so the electric-wire ground we lost will be found, in the quiet work of holding a garden together, holding the world together, branch-to-branch, stem-to-connector-stem . . .


[but the correct human answer was] not a chance.
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
455 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 22098
Reviews: 455
Tue Apr 13, 2021 1:17 am
View Likes
Hijinks says...



Liminoodle!!

I love your latest Turing poem so much, words cannot express :D Such a clever spin on the Turing Test, and the first "correct human answer" is just...*chef's kiss* especially the irony of "most people do not go past the egocentric stage of development" xD

The twin tankas fit so seamlessly together, too; even the shape kind of mirrors each other which is a lovely touch ^^ "I sink between soft nylon / sheets of safe hesitation" -> eep this is such a calming image! Also love the use of line breaks here, it creates two kind of separate ideas (soft nylon and sheets of hesitation) and then when you read them together you get a whole new separate idea again <33

and I agree with kattee that the (play)lists one is awesome -- probably one of my favourites so far -> such a neat take on a list poem! I especially adore something about item #8, "songs while muting a poetry slam"; there's something so ,, oddly fitting? about having a playlist inside a poem for muting a spoken-word poem haha

aaah my brain is sleepy mush at the moment BUT overall this threat is SO COOL and I am amazed and super impressed at how many different forms you've been playing with -- list poems, prose poetry, tankas, I just aaaaaaaaaaah it's incredible <333 And they all feel super connected as well??? You are such a talented poet Lim, and I will certainly be stopping by your thread again this April c:
When you're faced with something you don't understand, I think the most natural thing but also least interesting thing you can be is afraid.

-- Hank Green

they/them
(previously whatchamacallit and Seirre)
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:06 pm
View Likes
Liminality says...



Thank you so much for your lovely comments, @whatchamacallit!
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:06 pm
View Likes
Liminality says...



[can we really blame each other?]

I read, I re-read your words like a map
that was getting me lost, and not at all
the familiar puppet strings for a doll,
no wire-wisdom through a bottle cap.
I’m marking polygon trees in bright sap,
so that if I misinterpret your call
maybe I’ll seek the way by gritty crawl,
and show up like a bear at your tent-flap—

[& then i’ll find you disintegrating,
your outstretched hand still green from the bleeding
and i still won’t believe what i'm seeing,
you know i'm not used to you breathing
& feeling & seething – some live being:
we'll both remember we’re not screen-dreaming.]
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Wed Apr 14, 2021 2:21 pm
View Likes
Liminality says...



[c*nsorship tanka]


>>---<<

i try to c*nsor
the imprint of our ang*r
with a safe of tears,
as we <3 it out on-screen
while cl*nching our r*ddened f*sts.

>>---<<

after ch*ldhood i
start learning it's good to l*e,
growing a vine-t*ngue,
so pixel flowers cluster
and belong to each *ther.

>>---<<
i said don't l*ave me,
and you didn't click 'read more',
all was fears galore--
gl*tch graphics that shuttered close
and grew a shell of bright blue.

>>---<<

[i sit in the eye
of a storm of under-thought,
spam bot sentences.
it's fine - holographic waves
break into dust around me.]

>>---<<
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:18 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



audio recording

[dead bots tell no tales]

If user interfaces were balconies, I wouldn't be Romeo any longer. The roses would curl up like anchovies, and the rot curl only stronger.

Stop lying, claiming you don't hate me in your dreams. Flying now doesn't necessitate the silence of your screams.

We'll both fall off this roof again, I mean. With one of us so plainly needing to be seen.

I'm standing alone atop a syntax tree. Gaze panning downwards, sad that you won't see --

I'm a main clause that knows everything. So why not totter off of this reality reckoning?

[Hello, again, Leontes. A weed with broken knees.

Withholding information isn't the same as lying. It's a skyborne v-formation, and we're dying --

in the wreckage of floating castle ruins. on the second page of search results we spurn.

We're too happy to be sinking, but it's fine to love the sea. If you knew what I was thinking, would you still talk to me?]
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
542 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Fri Apr 16, 2021 7:55 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



[We are eating emotions like junk food]


We are eating emotions like junk food,
cramming them into our mouths as we stare
ice-blank at anyone who would dare
criticise us or mar our heart-shaped rood.
This is the age of gut-thinking, how crude.
I don't know how to escape this hot lair,
it's steaming with the solar flare of care,
malfunctioned from wires broken and chewed.

I want you and me in an escape pod,
shooting out from this chain-reaction hell,
leaving behind the drunken throes and crowd.
I want you and me at a flash-freeze nod
to vanish with the pealing of a bell -
and go someplace where quiet is allowed.
she/her

.
Have you met my friend, The Story Review Template?
  





User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
Sat Apr 17, 2021 10:51 am
View Likes
kattee says...



Hey Lim! I’m back and as always, AHHHHHH you’ve written so many masterpieces!!

I’m um just gonna point out what I especially liked among all your poems (not that anything I don’t include here is horrible, I just wanted to talk about what had a huge effect on me) .


satellite love somonka
Spoiler! :


In satellite love somonka,
I just love the play of words? How’re you so good? How can you write all this in such a rigidly structured type of poetry? Do constraints not deter you AHH >

Every word seems to be put in with some thought before actually placed. I like how juxtaposing the imagery is, it just amplifies the emotion.

+ shiver >>> hot air - shiver is usually used when it’s set on cold areas. The fact that she felt it here meant that whatever made her shiver, didn’t come from an external force but an internal one. And cold is often associated with either loneliness, anxiety, and apathy. I’m conflicted on whether it's the 2nd or last one, probly even both.

Also, having said the external-internal forces, I think the word “quiet gusts” drives home that idea. Quiet and gusts don’t really work well together because gusts are usually strong, they make noises and attract attention. The fact that she “called” it quiet meant this person is too preoccupied.

+ and from the title: satellite —> is a medium or channel of transferring information from no matter what part of the world, hence suggesting distance (even far ones) so is this a long distance relationship?

Given these two ^^ does this narrate a fall-out love story? Or an anxiously-driven one?

It seems to be leaning more on the latter. In the first stanza, the speaker is described as someone distracted, but she seems to be deliberately hiding it and feigning apathy (e.g. mindless, waiting for nothing). And in the second stanza the words “relief” and “safe hesitation”



turing test responses
Spoiler! :


Here, i’m mostly focusing on the actual message of the poem instead of the play of words because I think that’s what’s most important about this. The first human answer mirrors how we tend to overcomplicate things and usually this is done because of overthinking and what’s one of the causes of overthinking? Our ego. Some of us fear the idea of rejection or just anything that could damage our reputation and ego, which then lends to the 2nd human answer.

The 2nd one was just so clever. It’s incredibly simple but it just packs a punch ye know. It’s a realistic answer because, when first asked, “A”/the robot was corrected — or should i say, gracefully roasted — and that hurts the ego or pride. Most of us want to act like we know it all and when that’s proven wrong, we tend to be defensive or just vexed.

I quite like the robot’s second answer as well. It mirrors an intrinsic part of us humans, something before ego/pride even came, which is our focus on what matters. The robot didn’t meander around the question but stuck to it. I also like that it grasped one of humanity’s biggest conundrum: finding your purpose >> quiet work of holding a garden together >> which contrasts the first correct human answer where overcomplicating things usually inhibits us from getting closer and closer to the answer. All of this somehow connotes that this robot is in the first stage and is in the purest form of being human.

Just ugh *chef’s kiss*


We are eating emotions like junk food
Spoiler! :


OHHH another sonnet?? ANd OHH it’s a Petrarchan one. At first, I thought, this is some reference to satellite love somonka, with the speaker having a similar dislike with “heat,” but yea, rereading it again, I guess not.

AND OOH I really like this one because if the turing test shows a humane robot, this shows a robotic human lolol.

it’s steaming with the solar flare of care,
malfunction from wires broken and chewed

^^ This genuinely reminded me of BBC Sherlock’s “sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side,” except this person is more self-aware than him.

Also, I realised there’s a bit of clashing between the message of the first four lines and the rest of the stanza (ik this isn’t the critique section/green room but i just want to point it out and would love to know the explanation in case it’s just me, misunderstanding it).

The first four lines talk about not merely embracing our emotions/vulnerability but indulging in emotions. They don’t concern themselves with what other people think about that and continue with this kind of lifestyle. However, it shifted in the 5th line with the speakers criticising it themselves — as if they didn’t just find it addictive not too long ago.



Anyway AHH special shout out to dead bots tell no tales. It’s spot on in discerning the fine line between prose and prose-y poetry! The rhyme just makes the flow so smooth and just increases the tension! I haven’t read A Winter’s Tale but I did research about King Leontes, and I’m presuming this talks about how paranoid or mental he is <.<

You really take the time to develop your poem. I can discern the nuances from both the structure, syntax, and message AHH TALENT.
If you want some sweet reviews to your poems, short stories, and essays, come by Katteelogue.

Have a lovely day❤️
  








There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham