Sleepless Eyelids are bricks Shadows bruise underneath The eyes holding Doors to a breaking soul. All I want is sleep But sleep flees farther With closeness Wide awake yet spent Hard to keep together I’m crumbling apart Pieces fall I’m not here at all. Just a shadow With my face Hazy outlines Of what was Dreaming of sleep While awake.
I like the twist at the end of "Sleepless" where it seems like the speaker is actually awake! I wasn't expecting that and it definitely made me read the whole poem again.
I'm also really intrigued by the line "Don’t let longing refract" - that's a gem!
you should know i am a time traveler & there is no season as achingly temporary as now
I loved the first metaphor of Sleepless! "Eyelids are bricks" is original, and the short, fragmented lines really convey the tired mind of an insomniac well.
I'm also impressed by the number of rhymes you managed to find to write Writer's Block. How you developed the refrain from "I long . . . " to "To long . . .", then "Don't long . . . " and finally "To write . . . " I also found effective in conveying the poem's message.
I didn't have access to the internet for a few days... I wrote my poetry in a notebook... I don't know if this will still count, but here it is anyway.
April 3:
The day was bright; The sun a sight. Dispelling fear with light After days of endless night. In an instant the darkness came To extinguish positivity's flame With it, hope was lost to that claim Nothing to ever be the same. But fear doesn't have to rule. The intensity of darkness began to cool. Today the light came back as a jewel. And light will continue to pool. The day is bright; The sun a sight. Dispelling fear with light After days of endless night.
Torn away - the life I led. In my vision are spots of red. All I want is to stay in bed. Crying, my hands cradle my head.
The change in me is all I see. Trapped by the new - not set free. All I want is to turn and flee. Go back to what was - my earnest plea.
Everything is so much harder now. Things won't get better until I vow To try to be grateful and onward I plow Knowing that time will work out the how.
Positive thinking is the key to this. Say goodbye to the past with a kiss. Try to forget all the things I'll miss. So one day I might find a state of bliss.
Lots of emotion in that last poem, you have really good control of rhyming do you ever write poetry with more formal forms like sonnets or villanelles? I feel like you'd be great at those!
I think my favorite is your April 4 poem - > especially this chunk,
"Wind gusting, Rain running Just go with the flow It is in the moment that you really grow."
Great job! Keep up the good work! You've got this!
you should know i am a time traveler & there is no season as achingly temporary as now
Panic Attack Tremble and shake Jolted awake Tears stream on down Fearing I’ll drown Breaths come in gasps Voice is a rasp. Thoughts thunder, spin Monster within Want to run, hide I shrink inside Everything cold Fear has a hold Cannot last long It all feels wrong I’m all alone Locked in stone Control I lack Panic attack
Dealt this hand But I choose how I stand Life of choices Most made by different voices I choose me I choose the way I be The wind is uncontrollable Inconsolable I don’t have to stand still I’m in charge of the wheel Sails adjust It’s me I can trust Holding my own Even when it’s unknown
Loving these rhymes! I like how you structure the length of the lines, especially in 'Panic Attack' to reflect the suffocating emotion of the poem.
The metaphor of the ship in your April 7 poem I also enjoyed, especially the line" I'm in charge of the wheel// Sails adjust". I just thought the enjambment was really effective there.
What a melancholy piece. My favourite lines were "I'm struggling to show // The love I now owe" and "With my time // With my effort // With my life". I thought the repetition conveyed the sense of being lost pretty well.
Gender:
Points: 61
Reviews: 6