When they returned to the inn, Adina quickly ran up to them, like she'd been waiting in the lobby. (It was possible she had).
Skipping to her feet, she came up with a bright, though nervous, smile.
"Eve!" she said. "Do you have any plans for the morning?"
"Hi Adina," Eve said with a smile, then glanced at James. "Um... I don't think so, no."
James shrugged in confirmation. He slipped his hand out of Eve's and pecked her cheek with a small kiss.
"Have fun with whatever you two end up doing," he said as he pulled away.
Eve smiled. "I'll be back later," she said before shifting her attention back to Adina to ask what plans she had in mind.
"So, I was thinking..." James overheard, but he walked away before he could catch much more, wanting to let them be alone.
Leaving the lobby, he found himself wandering back to their room, sitting at the desk.
At this hour, sunlight was coming through the window. It was still a bit of a surreal experience, since the sunlight wasn't as direct as being above-ground, and there were always some dead spots in the city. During the day, the light came in pretty evenly, but there were always some odd shadows cast by the pillars.
Still, it was sufficient to see, and in their room, at least, they got decent light.
He decided to pull out his and Eve's shared journal, knowing it was getting crowded in their pages, but he had a lot to think about, and he needed to process it all.
Namely, he found that he needed to take a good look at himself. And he really didn't mean it in the way that he'd done that sort of thing before.
He was accustomed to introspection, but he felt like he was regretfully beginning to realize that maybe what he'd considered to be self-awareness, was really just self-flagellation, because even though he felt he was well aware of all of his faults, that was the only thing he ever focused on. He was never very good at having a whole, unbiased picture.
Not that anyone was without bias, but he knew his bias always leaned towards the negative. And it was so familiar, he had grown used to it - but now he was beginning to see how his naval gazing was beginning to harm his relationships.
Ever since he'd talked with Mel, it had been something stewing inside of him.
Something wasn't right, and he hadn't even considered that it could change.
For so long, he'd just been resigned not only to his condition as a wanted criminal in the world, but he'd been just as resigned to his state of mind: which seemed to be in a perpetual state of despair.
But he saw how it was getting in the way of him growing. If he kept wallowing in self-pity, he'd never grow. And he wanted to grow. He didn't want to stay like this forever. He wanted to be better for Eve. He wanted to be better for his friends. He didn't think he could live with himself if he dragged them all down with him, continuing on the path he was on.
He knew there were so many things he didn't feel quite ready to face. And he was honest that he didn't feel ready.
But if he never did... he'd never be able to move forward.
He just felt helpless to know what to do. He didn't know where to start. He didn't know where to begin. He wasn't even sure what he needed. He just knew he needed help, and he sure as hell wasn't going to be able to help himself.
He found himself staring down at the journal, rereading his own words he'd written down.
... There were ways to get help, now. Weren't there? He was in a city.
It meant he had more options than he'd ever had before.
James went on a run, deciding he needed to think, and he needed to move. He knew he had to think about the future: and he'd been avoiding it for two months. It wasn't going to be sustainable, and he couldn't avoid it forever. Not if he wanted to have a real life. Not if he wanted to stay with Eve, and move forward with her. He didn't want to be the reason she was dragged behind, and he didn't want to keep her from being able to live up to her full potential. He was sure there were things she wanted to do too, and he wanted them to be able to dream together.
But if he was going to allow himself to dream, he was going to have to have hope for himself. Otherwise, he was only ever going to be his own stumbling block.
It also meant he'd have to finally accept the fact that for the first time in his life in eight years, he actually had enough stability to settle down.
The thought still terrified him, but he found that there were conflicted feelings inside.
He was afraid of losing it. Afraid of investing in something that would just get taken away. Afraid he always had to be ready for the worst, and always had to be on guard. He didn't know what life looked like to have true peace and safety - and he somehow couldn't even imagine it being that simple.
It wouldn't be. It couldn't be. Even in New Haven, he'd hardly escaped all of the conflict and controversy that surrounded him. Only now, instead of being constantly on guard that he'd get caught, he was constantly aware that people would recognize him and see the face of their oppressors.
To mages, he was their biggest threat. Him being a criminal didn't change that. To them he was still a soldier, and no one knew the truth of his story. He doubted any of the mages would even want to hear it.
Why would they? He could only imagine the skepticism and bitterness he'd be met with - because he'd already said every insult he could think of to himself.
James pinched his eyes shut, just for a moment, and he paused in his run, breathing hard and leaning forward, hands on his knees.
There he was again, already slipping back into that spiral of thought.
Damn it, he needed help. He wasn't going to grow without it.
It was a harder pill to swallow than he thought, but for the first time since he'd been on the run... he actually wanted it. He didn't know if it was for all the right reasons, but at least it was something.
When he made it back to the inn, he was drenched in sweat, realizing he'd probably pushed himself a little too hard. He'd been caught up in his thoughts and hadn't realized how far he'd traveled until he had to go back, and the way back was far more tiring, as it had largely been uphill.
When he hit the showers, he felt like he'd finally accepted it.
Letting the water of the showerhead hit his face as he closed his eyes, he sighed. It was kind of depressing to think that it'd taken him eight years to stop being in denial and finally realize he wasn't by any means alright, but... he wanted to give himself the grace he knew he would extend to others in a similar situation.
He had to try to remember that for the majority of those eight years, he'd been running for his life. He'd hardly had the time to reflect like this in a productive way, and he surely hadn't had enough resources or even positive influences to speak into his situation. Five years ago, he didn't have a Mel. Four years ago, he didn't have an Eve. And for so long he hadn't let anyone get close enough to even have an opinion, nevermind voice it to him.
After grabbing lunch in the kitchen and eating it alone in a quiet corner, James finally returned to his room.
He stopped halfway through the doorway when he saw Eve was back, and... wearing a blue floral sundress.
"Oh... hi," Eve said, already looking flustered as she was changing out the sheets of the bed. "Adina took me shopping."
James smiled, closing the door behind him.
"I see that," he said. "It looks great on you."
Eve looked down at herself, sheepishly smiling and blushing. "Thanks," she said. "Did you go for a run?"
James glanced up, though he couldn't really see the top of his head where he'd tied up his wet hair in a bun.
"Yeah," he said. "It was good. I've had a lot on my mind. Helped me think."
"Yeah?" Eve said as she finished setting the sheets on the bed, patting it down and then throwing the blanket on top. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
James smiled, though a little less brightly. With a nod, he looked at the bed.
"Should we sit on the bed?" he asked, knowing she, quite literally, just made it.
Eve glanced between him and the bed, but then leapt into the bed, bouncing a little before she sat with her legs folded behind her. She smiled at him.
James felt his smile grow again, and he hastily kicked off his shoes before he jumped onto the bed, landing beside her. The two of them bounced, rolling into one another, and James couldn't help but laugh. Eve laughed as well, playfully pushing him when he rolled to her side.
She was still sitting as he rolled away onto his back, looking up at her. Eve beamed at him then laid beside him, on her side so she could face James.
"Mood has been set," she said. "Now you can tell me everything."
"Everything," he said, his smile fading naturally into a faint grin. "I suppose it's not much, now that I think about it, but..."
He looked down at the bed.
"I think I need therapy," he said with a weak laugh.
The playfulness seemed to melt away from Eve's face, replaced with sudden seriousness and worry.
"Sorry, I know you set the mood, and I kind of ruined it," James said.
"No, no," Eve said quickly, wriggling closer with her brows drawn together as she took his hand. "Don't apologize for that. It just took me by surprise, is all. I think that's a great idea."
"I didn't really know how to preface it," James said. "Besides the fact that I've been doing a lot of self reflecting and... I know I need help, but I don't know where to start. So it just seemed like therapy might be a good start. They can usually help with those kinds of things."
"Yeah. That's a really great idea, James," Eve said again, squeezing his hand. "I support you."
James offered her another small smile, but it was a little sad, too.
"It's... the first time it's really been an option," James said. "I guess it only hit me now that I don't have to rely on only myself or even you, or our friends."
"I'm glad," Eve said softly. "I think it doesn't hurt. It can only help."
"I know... Bo made Tula go to required therapy," James said. "And she's admittedly still a piece of work. But, there is a difference. So..."
He sighed.
"Sorry, she's probably the worst baseline for the fact that therapy can help," James said with another weak laugh. "I only mean that if Bo was able to arrange that - that there have to be therapists out there who could... I don't know."
Handle him, was what he wanted to say. But it felt too self-depricatory to voice it aloud.
"Everyone's story is different. If there's a therpaist for Tula, I'm sure there's a therpaist for you," Eve said in an assuring voice. "Have you looked into this at all? I'm sure there's someone you could talk to."
"Not yet," James said. "I really only just officially landed on this conclusion when stepping out of the shower. So, you're the first to hear it."
"Ah." Eve smiled. "I'm really glad you're telling me."
"Of course I'd tell you," James said with another small laugh. "Imagine if I decided to take therapy in secret. That'd be... such a strange course of action, considering therapy is generally supposed to benefit your relationships too."
"I can't say I'd be mad, but I'd definitely be surprised," Eve said. "Regardless, I think this would be good not just for your relationships, like you mentioned - but yourself, too." She picked up her hand to playfully poke his nose. "That's the most important part, you know."
James felt his face burn a little as Eve poked his nose, and he smiled, a little embarassed.
"Yeah," he said, not sure what else to say.
Eve smiled wider, letting hre gaze linger on his face for a moment before she closed the gap between them, hugging him tight.
"I'm proud of you," she said over his shoulder, giving him a gentle squeeze.
James tried to let that sink in for a moment before he hugged her back, just as tightly.
"Thank you," he whispered quietly before he let go and pulled away.
When he met her eyes again, she was smiling softly. James let a small silence linger between the two of them, and he took her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers.
"How was your time with Adina?" James asked.
"Oh... it was really nice," Eve said, resting her head on the crook of his shoulder and then rolling to her back. "We went for a short walk around the downtown shopping area. Adina seemed to know her way around, so she acted as my tour guide. She took me to a charming tea shop, and we sat and chatted outside for a bit, drinking tea. Afterwards, we browsed a few shops, but we spent the most time in a dress shop. We both tried on different dresses then each bought our favorite. I didn't have any money, of course, so Adina gifted this one to me. It was really nice of her."
James smiled softly as he listened.
"It sounds like a really good morning," he said.
"Yeah... it was. It definitely brought me to a better mood. And to think that it's only the afternoon now," Eve said.
He understood that she was referring to the disappointment from earlier that morning, when Elias had refused to see them. He was glad Adina could cheer her up.
"Well, we've got a whole half a day ahead of us," James said. "Do you... want to try looking into, uh. If they have resources for therapy? Maybe we could start at the front desk."
Eve turned to him to smile again. "I'd love that. I didn't know if this was something you wanted to do yourself, or if you'd like me to tag along... but I'd be glad to help out. I think Mel Aradis would know something too, if we run into dead ends."
"True," James said.
"But it also doesn't hurt to just stop by a clinic to see what resources they have. If not for therapy, then just to know where it is, and to at least meet a doctor," Eve continued.
James nodded, trying not to feel overwhelmed.
He was glad Eve was willing to help him with this.
"We can do that," he said.
"If it's not... weird, then asking Deidra is an option too. But I don't know if that's the best idea, considering how close she is with Tula. I think Bo and Mickey would be our best resources to truly ask, but..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "We can figure it out."
"Maybe... we can start with Mel," James said. "She's a doctor, so she probably has connections."
Eve nodded. "Do you want to visit her today?"
James paused to think about it.
"Maybe?" he said.
Eve paused to think about it as well. "Hmm. Elias and Elise are occupying her house right now. I'm sure Elise knows where she's staying, but I wouldn't want to bother her again, and Mel could be occupied anyways. Maybe we could look for the clinic first, then Mel second? It doesn't hurt to have different opinions, anyways."
"That sounds like a good idea," James agreed. "Let's do that."
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