"Is that so?" Evaline said with a puff of air, letting the annoyance bubble in her veins again. "Are you an expert of diagnosing that? Perhaps because you hate yourself more? Of course you do. Who wouldn't hate a foul-mouthed, irritating assassin who couldn't even follow simple orders. I would hate myself too."
Her words were starting to sting again -- memories of Lord Biryn's abuse flashing across her mind's eye as she repeated some of the same phrases he always did. But she forced them down. Clearly, there was something weird going on with this freak. And she planned on figuring it out. "Is there a reason you're actively trying to provoke a literal assassin?"
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Why? Do you want to kill me too? Even if there's no order to do so?" Evaline spat, not holding back. "It's in your nature to kill. That's all you've ever done, isn't it? Watch the life die from someone else's eyes? Tell me, do you enjoy doing it? Have you ever had to kill someone you were close to? Did you ever care? Maybe you should disassociate forever. It would be easier for you and everyone else if you did so."
Jerica clenched her jaw, everything within her wanting to shout in Evaline's face and say all the nasty things crossing her mind. But that was exactly what Evaline wanted. Which is why she wasn't going to give it to her. She looked at the horizon and kept walking, scowling slightly.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
Evaline knew Jerica was impulsive. She had never hesitated to yell and hurl insults at her before, so she knew Jerica was holding back. Why? She doesn't know. But it was making her more and more annoyed.
She knew that Jerica found meaning in words. She had admitted it to her before, and now Evaline was going to use it to her advantage.
"You've lost your humanity the moment you made your first kill. Tell me, how old were you when that happened? Were you a child? Was it an accident? Even if it was an accident, that doesn't make you any more human -- because you are a monster. You always will be, whether you are Jerica or the king's assassin. Accept your fate. Give in already. Stop fighting it."
Evaline stabbed a dagger into her heart and gave it a twist. Jerica felt her hand tremble slightly and clenched them into fists so they couldn't. She knew she was a monster. But Evaline was hitting the point home. Reminding her in the most savage way possible.
She wanted to scream at her, but was afraid of what might come out if she did. What if her voice trembled? Or she admitted that Evaline had hit her in the rawest of all her wounds. Attacking her for what she'd done as a literal child. What plagued her the most.
She felt herself shutting down, mind inching towards wherever it was that it went when she had to function as King's Assassin.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
Jerica's silence was deafening, but it only fueled Evaline. She continued to speak, talking quicker with a brisker pace, her voice rising in volume with each passing sentence.
"Why do you fight it, anyways? Don't you see that it makes you weak? No one likes a weak, pathetic girl like you. You're too emotional. You care too much. You love too much. Why don't you let people go? Did you even feel anything when you pulled the trigger? You are a disgrace. Who are you defending? Yourself? The person you saved from torturing? Why do you even care? Stop saving people when you can't even save yourself!"
By the time she finished, she found herself yelling and taking deep breaths, no longer walking forward. She but her lips hard and balled her hands into fists, then released the tension. She could feel Jerica's presence, but she didn't dare to look at her.
"Whatever," she said quickly, rushing forward again in. "Forget it. Just forget it. Let's keep walking until we find another stupid present or die from more stupid wolves."
Evaline destroyed Jerica before she managed to dissociate. Her words rang in Jerica's mind again and again and again. All the things she knew were true, and yet fought against believing so viciously.
You've lost your humanity the moment you made your first kill.
Jerica felt sick. At this point, she'd been a monster longer than she hadn't been. She'd been so young when that accident happened.
It's in your nature to kill.
Jerica kept walking but closed her eyes briefly. It hurt so badly. But she couldn't let Evaline see that. Wouldn't let her see. She was just trying to hurt Jerica, but it was working. Jerica had let her guard down just far enough, trying to be friends, that Eve's words dumped onto her like molten steel. She swallowed hard.
Her every instinct was to run away.
They were past the point of anger and shouting. They were to the point where Jerica wanted to hide in her nest, and curl up, and sob. To mourn her lost humanity. Her lost childhood. To grieve the monster that she'd become.
But she couldn't do that.
Which put her into an even odder headspace.
Maybe Evaline was right.
Maybe there truly was nothing redeemable about Jerica.
Maybe she was just the King's Assassin after all. And Jerica had decided that if it ever came to that -- if she ever truly lost all parts of her humanity -- that she'd end things once and for all. It'd be better for everyone.
She hesitated, wondering if it'd be possible to fire an arrow at herself if she tried. Maybe that's what this entire ordeal was supposed to be. To give her the motivation she needed to follow through on what she hadn't had the courage to do so far. Because she was weak. Pathetic. "Why wait?"
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"For the goddamn motherfucking wolves," Jerica spat, yanking an arrow from the quiver. "Maybe I should just fucking end it here."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
Evaline stopped to stare at her for a few long seconds, her mind lagging after her word spillage from earlier. It was like everything was put into a screeching halt, and she had to do a double-take to fully understand what was happening.
Was Jerica threatening herself? Was she suicidal? Or was this her being tough? It was hard to tell, and Evaline realized too late that she had dug this hole herself.
"End... what?" she said slowly, not being careful just yet. "My life? ...Yours?"
"Why the fuck would I give you that reprieve?" Jerica snarled, shrugging the bow off her arm. She looked down at it for a long moment, clearly trying to figure out if physics would let her point it towards herself.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Okay, so yourself," Evaline said more carefully, finding her hands out in front of her like she was coaxing an animal. She didn't know what to do, exactly. This has never happened to her before, nevertheless after a tantrum like that. "Why would you do that? You don't need to do that. Stop joking around."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jerica snarled, notching the arrow. She wasn't quite sure what she was going to do with it. But she was angry. And unstable. "Why wouldn't I? You just spent the past five minutes screeching at me why I should. Well, now we're agreed."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"And you're going to give in to that?" Evaline said, taking a bold move and a small step forward. "You're stronger than that. You're stronger than some venomous words from a stranger. Don't give me what I want."
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