Young Writers Society

Kartiel kept his gaze down and his hood obscuring his face; he knew that his protests would fall on even deafer ears if Bo caught him crying. "It's nothing," he said. His voice was breaking as he was trying to speak, but he had to pretend that everything was alright. He couldn't stand to be around Bo for much longer, and he really did need to get back to searching for Matt.

"I'm just a little tired," he lied. "It's exhausting being a god of souls. There's just so many things I have to do."

Bo's lower lip pouted out and his brows drew together when he heard Kartiel's voice crack. More than what Kartiel said, the tone in his voice made Bo's heart sink.

"Please," he said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I know... I know it's hard. And I know you don't want to. But you can rest here for a moment. And if you want to, I can listen... whatever it is that's going on, I may not be able to help, but I can support you, whether you think you deserve it or not."

"I appreciate the offer, but it's really alright," Kartiel said. He thought he was better at lying than this - he wasn't supposed to stumble over his words, and his face (though at an angle Bo couldn't see) wasn't supposed to betray so much of what he was actually feeling. "I really do need to get going. I have some important godly business to attend to."

He couldn't wait any longer. He needed to find Matt, and he couldn't just sit down and have a conversation with Bo while Matt was lost somewhere in the multiverse. He had sacrificed so much to find him; a conversation really wasn't that much, in the grand scheme of things.

Kartiel was really gonna be like this huh.

Bo let out another sigh, and begrudgingly, scooped up Kartiel with ease and carried him over to his couch. Gently, before Kartiel could protest or get mad at him, he plopped him down on the edge and sat down a butt-width away from him.

"Godly business can wait. It's not often you get to see an old friend."

Now he couldn't help it. The tears began to flow freely down his face, even as he tried to stop them and hide his face away from Bo. He sank further back into the couch and pulled his hood down as far as he possibly could.

Bo, calling him an old friend? What did he ever deserve to do that? And how could he sit here and pretend everything was fine when Matt was out there? He needed to go, but he couldn't even muster the strength to anymore. He was just so tired-

He stared as teardrops stained his pants. Was he really crying that hard?

"You don't know how important the business is," he said. His voice had broken earlier, but now he was struggling to get the words out - why couldn't he be as good as lying as he was when he was younger? It had only been a handful of years, but he had lost the few good things that had come out of dealing with Sirun.

Bo leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, but he didn't look to watch Kartiel cry, though he knew he was.

"Well, I might know if you told me."

He opened his mouth to give another word of protest, but realized he didn't even know why he was protesting. There was nothing preventing him from telling Bo the truth about what his "business" was. Matt didn't need him to be secretive, and he didn't to be secretive. Bo was offering to lend an open ear. So why couldn't he just admit what had happened?

He snuck a brief glance up at Bo before ducking his head down again.

It was then that he understood.

Telling Bo would open himself up to criticism - things he had already known were his fault, but had never been confirmed by anyone else. Bo could call him out for what he had done, even though he had been hating himself because of it for all of the years leading up to now.

But Bo wasn't going to let him leave unless he told him the truth.

Or, at least, some of it.

"I...I made a mistake," he said. "I have to fix it. Someone's...Someone's counting on me, even if he doesn't know it. I need to go make up for what I've done."

“That’s very honorable of you,” Bo said gently.

"It's not," he protested. He kept his head down. "I'm not trying to be honorable. It...It would be wrong to call what I'm doing honorable. I was the one who let this happen, and now someone's life has been ruined because of me."

"A dishonorable man might acknowledge his mistake, but he wouldn't do something to make it right," Bo said softly, placing a hand behind Kartiel's shoulder.

"It might not have been honorable, or good, or any of those things for you to let it happen. Whatever it may be. You're still being too vague for me to know if it was out of your control or intentional in the first place, or whether it was pressured upon you by others or circumstance. But making things right and working hard to do so is very honorable. It's not only a good thing to do but it's the right thing to do, and part of what makes it honorable is that it's very difficult to make the decision to do so, especially if, in order to make things right, you're required to do a lot of hard work."

He took in a small sigh, and drew his hand away. He picked Kartiel up without him asking, but he didn't know how much of a touch person Kartiel really was when it came to comfort.

"Whoever it is whose life you've ruined... I'm sure they're not happy. And I'm sure you're aware of that. But if you're willing to face that and help them anyway - someone who might hold a grudge against you forever, or a very long time, if they're that kind of person - well. I really do hope you the best. I hope you're able to help them and get their life back on track. And then maybe, finally, do the same for yours."

Even though the tears had been falling for the entirety of the conversation so far, it was now that he began to see the teardrops splattering onto his pants.

"You don't understand," he whispered. "Y-You're making it sound like it was just a little mistake, compared to what it actually is. There was...There was someone like Amy. He was just a teenager - a kid. And when I was so busy dealing with Sirun, I...I didn't check in. By the time I finally did, a year had passed and I...I..."

His voice broke.

"...I couldn't find him. He was gone...I...I did some digging, and he's been traveling through different worlds trying get back home. I've been trying to find him, but it's...it's already too late. I already ruined his childhood. I'm-I'm as bad as Sirun!"

Bo grabbed a tissue box and placed it beside Kartiel, then gently placed a tissue in his hands.

"You are not as bad as Surin. You're not even close. Both of you have done some terrible things, but Surin never expressed genuine remorse for the things he did, nevermind actually try to fix them," he spoke firmly, but his tone soft.

"Obviously, whoever this kid is? Yeah. I agree that you've gotta find 'em, and I'm going to cheer you on that you do, but you should never, ever liken yourself to Sirun. You've got a good heart and a conscience that actually functions like a normal, kind person's, and that's more than I could ever say about Sirun. You want to do good and years upon years of being under that guy's manipulation might've made you compromise on a lot of things, but I'm honestly amazed that even after it all, your heart's still intact. You still empathize with people. You still feel guilt. You still feel anything at all, and that in itself is a miracle."

"I'm not trying to make you sound like a saint, because we both know you've made mistakes, but Kartiel, you are a much, much better guy than you give yourself credit for. And I honestly think that it can only go up from here..." he paused and put his hand on Kartiel's back again. "As long as you stay away from more Sirun-types, that is."

Kartiel stared at his lap, a hand reaching for the tissues while the other remained on his leg.

"...His name's Matt," he said. His voice was quiet. It wasn't the same tone as before - it wasn't nearly as close to breaking - but it was still a sorrowful, regretful one. "Mattathias Jermaine. He was sixteen years old, back when it happened. He was one of the Aeyis roleplayers - his character's name was Nerezzar Cephalos. And I always thought it was funny, because Nerezzar was an asshole but Matt was the sweetest kid you'd ever meet."

Bo nodded, his expression sober.

"So... how long has it been then? Aeyis... that was... a while ago."

"It's been five years," he quietly said. "I...I've been looking for the past four..."