May the Holonet Be With You

Six long, long months ago, in a theater near, near you, there was a movie created by a corrupt company and the fans rebelled.

But, we're not here for that. We're here to document the very real, not-at-all-fake conversations between ~~Mark Hamill~~ Luke Skywalker, an old hermit with an attitude online impersonating a legendary jedi thirty years past with an interest of drinking exotic milks, and Rey ~~nolastnamebecausestrongwomendontneedpatriarchialideologies~~, a perfect force user who believes the best in everyone and can do no wrong. Did I mention she's also the best in everything ever and if you disagree you're a sexist white man? In a first ever, unreleased director's cut of the movie, we'll let you in on the intracacies of their relationships and what really made the movie just... tick.

This is the true story of The Last Jedi. It all started with two tweets from them before they met each other.

Luke Skywalker sat in his lonely hut on Planet Ireland, hunched over the dim screen of his datapad. As he thumbed out his latest pessimistic musing about the state of the Galactic Alliance on the HoloNet, he heard a knock at the door.

It was surely that girl again, the magical girl whose Jedi powers seemed to come unnaturally naturally to her. Meanwhile, it had taken Luke years to hone the skill under the tutelage of Yoda and Obi-Wan's Force ghosts. Perhaps if he just ignored her, she'd give up and go away. Fly back to wherever it was she said she came from.

Ding!

Luke grumbled as his phone's notification sound echoed across the dank interior of his stone hut, announcing to all that he was, indeed, inside. Then, it went off again.