Young Writers Society

The passage you selected to suggest was "slow and boring," while perhaps admittedly wordy, was drawn out with purpose. Rohncroft's... roar, I call it, has a lot of significance to Serenity's departure. But your calling it "really unimportant seconds," ones elaborated upon in too much detail... Well, the seconds of and following the roar are really the most significant happenings in the whole piece. If you felt that it was unimportant, I feel I have failed to write it properly... And yet you do not really give suggestions for how this could be improved, apart from saying "Only a few words are needed to describe [these seconds]." I tried to avoid describing them at extreme length, but definitely desired to do greater justice to the scene than "Rohncroft lets out a mighty roar; flames spew out his mouth."

And when Serenity leaves... Mmh. I'll not be picky about your mention that, for a relationship, theirs seems fragile. But that is, also, a purposeful choice. I mean to give the impression theirs is a strained relationship; even to suggest that Serenity feels she has been taken for granted in the past. If that doesn't come across, I feel kinda like I failed there, too.