Young Writers Society

Kar.ki.nos
A poem in three voices




Nestled between the folds of
darkness, until the time is right
the sleeping speck - it awakens with
pincers precariously poised to strike
releasing beauty so terrible
for immortality in its epitome
not a herculean task, it relapses from
the recesses - another malignancy.
*
Have you seen the kids swing?
Tell me, how they do it.
Show me their faces, their words
can I have but one visit?
I would like to hold
the hand of a friend
who leaves me when
I see the end.
*
Drug targets, signals and human trials.
It's one after another -
tears after hope
a fight like no other.
chemicals after genes,
a battle against the body
We fight,
in hope for victory.

Hi Licious!

I’m here as requested! I’ve read both spoilers and think that you’re on track for a fairly subtle (although not too subtle) look at cancer in the poem. You’re not overt, which is lovely but it’s also clear that you’re talking about a degenerative disease, I think, which is what you want to go for.

Your first stanza is definitely the strongest one, as it’s the most coherent with a good hold on the rhyme scheme you’re going for. I would suggest that in the second last line you move “from” to the next line, because it’s incredibly awkward to read out loud at the moment. Otherwise I think it’s rad.

Your second stanza becomes a little more sketch on the rhyme scheme, you’re relying on similar endings in a more clear way – it was in this stanza I even picked up you were doing a rhyme. Keep in mind that I am terrible at rhyming, I couldn’t keep it up if you paid me. I might be biased in my need for rhyme to be almost invisible. Otherwise this is a thin but usable stanza which doesn’t ask too much from the reader but starts to suggest a deep loss on the part of the speaker.

The final stanza loses your rhyme scheme at the end! I was way confused and thought that an accent thing might be making me miss it, but I think you’ve just stopped the rhyme. If you’re going to have a rhyme you absolutely have to keep it consistent or it becomes kitsch and a bit icky on all parts. This is the stanza which most clearly expounds the concept of cancer, or of an illness which is to be fought. I think considering your audience (A sciencey contest indeed!) this would probably be suitable. I’d fix up the rhyme and consider adding a little more content to fill up the edges, the second and final stanzas are thin against your first. This isn’t, and doesn’t have to be, a problem it’s just something to consider.

It’s a good poem on the whole, and I hope you do well in the contest. Feel free to hit me up if you change the poem or want anything explained further, I’m way happy to help.

I will get to this later, as promised, but for now I have to get to work! But I just wanted to let you know for now that I have indeed read it and will have some thoughts for you when I get off later.

~Blue