Young Writers Society

Identity

Reminiscent of you- is your son, and of their son, and so on, and so on. A patch of you remains untouched in your descendants- but still there lingers one, unique independent- a new life- a new merge of features unites. The creation is not you, but is poles apart; an innovative, changed work of art.

From the base, up to the pinnacle of the very being is unique. So go, have a race about it. Have no grace about it. Set a dishonourable pace about it. Create a form of order and grouping that in turn forms isolation and separation. All that it does will exceed expectation! Talk no more of a familiar generation- facing discrimination- all because of your vivid imagination.

Free ourselves of segregation. We are one entity- that is our individual identity. He, who is reminiscent of you and all his friends too- will be complete with serenity and confident of identity.

Hey Snarkhunter,

While I liked this, I have to admit that I didn't get a very definite feeling of this actually being a poem while reading it. It almost just seems like a piece of poetic short fiction. While this is okay in some cases, I found that I could not place a certain rhythm while reading this piece, which disappointed me a little.

My main suggestion is to try splitting up what are at the moment more like paragraphs into lines.

Reminiscent of you- is your son,
and of their son, and so on, and so on.
A patch of you remains untouched in your descendants-
but still there lingers one, unique independent-
a new life- a new merge of features unites.
The creation is not you, but is poles apart;
an innovative, changed work of art.

From the base, up to the pinnacle
of the very being is unique.
So go, have a race about it.
Have no grace about it.
Set a dishonourable pace about it.
Create a form of order and grouping that
in turn forms isolation and separation.
All that it does will exceed expectation!
Talk no more of a familiar generation-
facing discrimination-
all because of your vivid imagination.

Free ourselves of segregation.
We are one entity- that is our
individual identity. He, who is
reminiscent of you and all his
friends too- will be complete
with serenity and confident of identity.

I've given a rough example of my suggestion above - though I suggest you try seperating it out yourself, as I did this quite roughly just to give an example. Still, I really think I'd prefer to read this if the stanzas were changed to look more like stanzas and seperated out into lines. The rythm and poetic devices suddenly become much more clear, and I really do like the overall poem.

It carries a great message, and I love the words you use to get it across. So I think that this has potential - I just think it might do better in standard stanza/line form. Then again, that may just be personal opinion - but I suggest that you at least try it, just to see whether the sense of rhythm and flow improves.

Still, I really do like this even just as it is. Well done with it.

Whichever way, keep writing!

~MorningMist~

Thank you very much Morning Mist- I'm new to this method of reviewing and critique, I must add.

Your feedback is just the kind I was hoping for; I realized that the poem required a more rhythmic arrangement, and I guess I needed someone to agree and suggest a way in which this could be done. I'm not used to writing poetry-I write stories usually- so your advice and support is invaluable

Hey SnarkHunter!

First of all, I would love to see you write this with stanzas and lines and everything, just because you have a bunch of neat rhymes and everything, and I would love to see it structured out so that this poem just shines in its metering.

All right! So... identity. In this, you talk a lot about how some people shut out other people because of their particular identities that they receive either genetically (though, you say this in a much prettier way) or because of culture. And, though that identity can change to some degree, it is still there. And, unfortunately, the nature of identity can also create segregation. So, what you say in the end is that we should stop segregating and embrace identities.

The thing I would like to see more of this poem is more... poetry. Right now, it reads more like a philosophy book rather than a poem, and it's not very vivid or captivating at all (or, it is captivating, but in the sense that a philosophy book is captivating,) and I think you can really ramp this up. What are some symbols that you can use that show identity? How can you illustrate how horrible this isolation and segregation is? Brainstorm a bit! I think you'll find that your poem becomes a lot stronger and will carry not only a philosophical impact but an emotional impact as well.

Best of luck!